James Nielsen Stands Alone as Owner of Prestigious Beer Mile Record

Gabe Zaldivar@gabezalPop Culture Lead WriterApril 28, 2014

We are so happy we have words like epic and legendary, because they remain the only apt description for James Nielsen, a man who now owns the record for fastest beer mile. 

Join us in raising our popped beer cans in his honor. 

Deadspin's Joe Gugala spotted this video chronicling the apogee of athleticism, explaining exactly what near superhumans do when they are apparently bored: "James Nielsen, a two-time NCAA 5,000-meters champion and Canadian, smashed the beer mile world record over the weekend with a time of four minutes, 57 seconds. He is 34."

That sure beats anything you ever did while drinking, including eating two burritos in one sitting.

Nielsen begins the video by explaining all the hard work that went into this endeavor, which shattered our belief that it would take merely four beers, a track and a tenuous hold on what the word "fun" means. 

The 34-year-old proclaims, "I've mastered the physics of fluid dynamics and air displacement." Oh yeah? Well, if we are boasting, we can play Edward Fortyhands and not leave to use the bathroom. 

Normally, drinking four beers in five minutes leads to decisions like Taco Bell late-night meals or skipping work despite that super important meeting the next day. In this case, it meant worldwide glory. 

As TMZ reported back in 2012, Nick Symmonds attempted and failed in breaking the beer mile record, giving Nielsen all he needs to tell people he bested an Olympian. 

Of course, this doesn't look all that fun, because the runner is barely able to give a "That was really painful" at the end of the mile, continuing with an appropriate, "Holy [expletive]."

BeerMile.com has an exhaustive list of rules and variations on the beer mile, including the "3000m Vodka Steeplechase," which apparently consists of seven shots and a standard steeplechase. The latter race begs the question: What ever happened to having seven shots of vodka and then passing out in your own tears?

Now that Nielsen has established a new threshold of excellence, it's up to another would-be contender to lace up the sneakers and head out with a 12-pack to do a little training.

Soon, we will see someone push to take down Nielsen and his record, which is the kind of pushing that demands you have a garbage can nearby. You know. Just in case. 

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