Source: Sanchez's love of brunettes causing resentment in Jets locker room

According to Laura Schreffler with Amanda Sidman, media sex tycoon Mark Sanchez really loves the women of New York, especially the brunettes.

“There are a lot more brunettes here, and that’s beautiful,” the new Jets quarterback said at Samsung’s Four Seasons of Hope gala. “New York girls look great.”

The comments were not well received by several players at the Jets practice facility - specifically brunettes - according to an anonymous source.

“When I read the first line about ‘brunettes’ in the paper, I thought our relationship had the potential to extend beyond the standard relationship of the quarterback touching my buttocks,” center Nick Mangold said.”Then he goes and says he was only talking about women. I’ll talk to him about it, I guess. Could be rookie immaturity. The truth will unravel as we get to know each other better,” he said.

A player in the locker room who wished to remain nameless reportedly said 3rd year receiver Chansi Stuckey broke down at Rex Ryan’s Father’s Day BBQ upon hearing the news. Ryan scolded Stuckey for failing to be a man and proceeded to smother Stuckey’s chest in Bull’s Eye barbecue sauce.

Ryan isn’t the only New York football coach who made a statement the past few days. Giants brigadier general Tom Coughlin made a statement to his players about what could be learned from the recently-crowned World Champion Los Angeles Lakers.

“This year, what I’m saying is stop and think about the bitter bitterness of the January situation,” Coughlin said. “And then realize that, as in, for example, the Laker team, you can focus on that as a primary motivational position to take and let that be something that you train for over the summer.”

This statement was said to have caused confusion among players, coaches and readers of the New York Times; though all groups surveyed agreed he was probably alluding too frost bite with the term “bitter bitterness”.

*disclaimer: the quotes in red are real.

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