Carson Palmer Might be High, but At Least He Doesn't Fondle His Junk on Windows

Memo to Carson Palmer: lay off Ocho Cinco’s crack

Carson has graduated from the same school of thought as Lions running back Kevin Smith. At least it seems that way. Sayeth Carson:

“We’re gonna be really good, I guarantee it. We’ve got a great thing going this offseason. We’ve got such a good locker room. There’s so much more competitiveness this year. I really think we’re gonna surprise people.

“They’ll be saying, ‘Wow, the Bengals are 6-0 … Wow, the Bengals are 10-2. Where did this come from?’ We’re set up perfectly. We’re kind of under the radar. We have no prime-time games. There’s absolutely no hype. And for a young team trying to find itself, that’s perfect.”

Uh, Carson, you kind of blew that whole ‘under-the-radar’ thing when you came out and you know, proclaimed your team under-the-radar. The 6-0 and 10-2 comments don’t help much, either.

Petty arguments aside, it’s quite astounding to hear a professional quarterback spout off because there are less deadbeats in the locker room. Not only that, but it’s (SHHH) May.

By the way, if I was to force innuendo on the playing field, I could argue that Palmer needs to  lay off Andrew Crummey’s crack.

What a horrible last name for a center, dare say every athlete. Probably worse than Twins pitcher Kevin Slowey.

Memo to the Buffalo Bills: Corey McIntyre would like to fondle more destruction 

A little over a month ago, I presented the Buffalo Bills’ blueprint for destruction for the 2009 season. Little did we know at the time that the team’s fullback had secretly contributed to the plot (by the way, I just wrote five t-words in a row in that sentence. Awesome alliteration!)

Per the unnamed woman in Port St. Lucie, Mr. McIntyre got real horny one night, walked up to her window, pulled out his hoo-hoo, began petting it, knocked on the window and then ran away. From there, the police spotted him on a bicycle.

Hmmmmm ….

Our climax oddsmaker says it’s very likely Mr. McIntyre did just that at some point between fleeing the scene and riding a bike. Otherwise that was a very uncomfortable bike ride.

McIntyre’s agent Brett Tessler is adamant his client is “guilty of absolutely nothing“ and looks forward to proving the accusations false. How the hell is going to do that? Aside from a reenactment, there’s only one other option.

Ladies and gentlemen, I would like to call to Corey McIntyre’s penis to the witness stand.

Mr. McIntyre’s penis, did you perform in front of that woman’s window as she claims?

“No sir. I was with Tommy Hilfiger all night. He never lets me out.”

Nothing further your honor.

Source: Michael Vick’s international dog-fighting ring discovered

Memo to David Huff: congratulations for sucking

It’s bad enough for a starting pitcher to make his Major League debut against the defending world champions on a team that is only better than the Nationals. It’s even worse when your debut ends after giving up a run scoring double to Andy Sonnanstine. Yes, the same guy who won 17 games last season and who only bats when playing on NL soil.

See there was this whole lineup card snafu orchestrated by Rays manager Joe Maddon which caused Evan Longoria to sit on the bench and forced Sonnanstine into the designated hitter’s slot. Yes, the pitcher was batting third in Tampa.

Everyone is talking up Sonnanstine’s offense and what now amounts to five hits in 13 career at bats. That’s all well and good, but let’s give a round of applause to David Huff.

He was intelligent enough to let the pitcher who accidentally fell into the offensive lineup overshadow four walks and seven runs in 3 2/3 innings. Kudos to Huff!

Memo to Bud Selig: Manny’s drugs gave birth to a mutant form of Juan Pierre

Without Manuel Ramirez, the Dodgers are still atop the Major Leagues with a 26-13 record. Part of that is because of the $45 million man, Juan Pierre.

I know, I know, I can’t believe I typed it either. Pierre had three hits and three RBI against the Marlins Sunday and for the series, he had 8 hits in 14 at bats.

For the season, he has 31 hits in 79 at bats with 12 RBI. That’s just 16 RBI shy of his 2008 total.

At this point, we need to Enrico Palazzo to give a solid frisk to Pierre and Pierre’s locker. No way that guy averages one RBI every 7 at bats without some artificial help. Maybe Manny was on the chick pills because he had Juan Pierre in his stomach and gave birth to a new Juan Pierre?

I’m just saying.

Memo Mailbag

Your lack of coverage as it pertains to women’s sports on this sports Web site is horrendous. You publish anti-Hispanic lawn mower jokes and Mike Ditka mustache photos. And when push comes to shove and you finally reference a female, who do you give me?

Brooke Hogan.

She’s not even a freaking athlete. She’s got more fake features than I do.

Get a clue and walk into the 20th Century. Now if you’ll excuse me, I’m going to return to the tracks and allow Calvin Borel to slap me in the neck.

Rachel Alexandra

Memo to Pau Gasol: your epiphany is mind-numbing

Before the Lakers fell into the abyss and the world ended, they fought their way to a Game 7 victory and a trip to the NBA Finals. All the hysteria following the Game 4 and Game 6 losses went for naught. Perhaps if the Lakers decide to show up for each game, the media and the city of L.A. won’t have to freak out.

Thankfully Pau Gasol learned a little something about basketball over the course of the series that could prevent such turmoil in the future.

“I think we learned that if we play hard every night and we’re ready to compete, starting on the defensive end, we’re going to give ourselves a chance. Hopefully we’re going to carry that into the next round and to a championship. That’s something we need to do consistently, no matter what, no matter where we play.”

That’s just super, Pau! Play hard every night — including defense — WHAT A NOVEL CONCEPT INDEED!

Monday Morning Memo is written by Patrick Imig. He can’t believe it’s been over two years since he last wrote a Monday Morning Memo. Email him at [e-mail].