Will Ben Sheets Be Saddling Up in Arlington?

As Ben Sheets continues to recover from his most recent surgery that Milwaukee paid for, reports of Sheets sightings around Rangers facilities and rumors of what that might indicate are flowing on to baseball blogs as rapidly as menstrual blood flowed out of Big Ben’s tender and constantly sandy vagina for most of his Brewers tenure.

If it wasn’t extremely obvious when Doug Melvin was saying Milwaukee wouldn’t sign him, when an injured Sheets declined arbitration or when he basically signed with Texas until his injury was discovered—set this shit in stone now. Ben Sheets will probably be a Ranger.

Hope and pray and reference loyalty all you want, but I just don’t see the sides meeting up. And it’s for the better. T

he best, most logical, and smartest thing to do when your favorite team’s default ace of the past two Presidential terms decides to limp out of town a much fatter and better rested specimen than when he arrived is to take a deep breath and simply let it go.

Hey, Benson! This here disabled list ain't bigga nuff fer the botha us.

I know, I know—it sounds hard to think about seeing him biting those nails in another team’s dugout, in another team’s uniform...but trust me, it’ll be OK. Even without Texas’ first-rounder in Milwaukee’s hands for compensation, we’ll all survive this.

For example, do you remember how in Better Off Dead, Lane Meyer’s fine-ass ex girlfriend Beth left him for Roy because Roy was better at skiing? Moreover, do you recall the way Lane moped around all depressed while Roy and Roy’s Ski Buddy No. 1 always rubbed in the loss of said hot snizz?

Did Lane just take it and give up? DID HE? Well, yeah, he tried to kill himself a few times and had Van Halen-inspired claymation fantasies...but eventually he picked himself up, dusted himself off, and moved on with his life.

By appreciating what he had in his grasp in the present instead of pathetically clinging to the past, he was able to 1. Rebuild an old car with relatively no mechanical know-how, 2. Finally beat those Asian guys in a race, 3. Ski the muthaf**kin’ K-12 on ONE ski and 4. Get Beth to totally want him back.

Most importantly, he forged a beautiful and powerful bond with that French exchange student Monique. And you know what? He probably banged her right there at the base of the K-12 while everyone cheered and the credits were rolling.

Think about it. Realize it and get a head start on not caring about it (the way I have) when the bored TV analysts are in need of AL West show fodder. You’ll be better off...just as the Brewers are.

Continue moving on with your life as if he’d never been in it. After all, he was usually only there half a season anyway.