NFL Adopts New Rules: Quarterbacks To Wear Dresses

Paul Augustin, Jr.Senior Analyst IMarch 24, 2009

On Tuesday at the NFL Annual Meeting, league owners passed several new rules to go into effect at the start of the 2009 season. 

Here are some of the rules that were passed:

Every Quarterback Must Wear a Dress on Game Day

The dresses must be ankle-length to prevent any cuts, scrapes, and all other abrasions to the knees, shins, and ankles.

Dresses must be in team colors. White may only be worn in the preseason games because the regular season and postseason are both after Labor Day.

Defenders May Not Tackle an Offensive Player Anywhere Above the Shoulders

As a matter of fact, defenders may not tackle a player anywhere below the belly button, either.

Any player who commits an infraction must kiss the player's boo-boo and give him a chocolate chip cookie. 

Pass Rushers Must Use a Five-Mississippi Count Before Rushing In

Defensive linemen and blitzing linebackers are simply getting to the quarterback too quickly. 

Before the five-Mississippi count, players can only rush the quarterback once he has crossed the line of scrimmage. However, the defense will be allowed one free rush every four downs. 

The "personal space" clause will go into effect after the two-minute warning. No defender is allowed to be within three feet of the quarterback and violate his personal bubble.

Rule breakers will be forced to attend three months of counseling sessions with a licensed therapist.

The Cowbell Rule

Simply put, any skill player who intends to throw a block on an unsuspecting defender must wear a cowbell around his neck as a warning. 

Failure to comply will result in a loss of down, and the offending player being publicly branded as a reminder.

The Space Walk Rule

All fields, whether natural grass or artificial field turf, must be immediately be replaced and be turned into giant space walks. 

The NFL feels that the uniforms are getting too dirty. One unnamed source who is familiar with the process of cleaning the uniforms said the jerseys today are "icky."

Now that these rules are in effect, the game will become more enjoyable for everyone.  No one watches the NFL for the big hits and ferocious forced fumbles. 

The only downside for the league is that NFL Films will stop making profits off of highlight reels featuring the hard hits that it preaches against.


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