Man Without a Team: Barry Bonds Is Finally Where He Belongs

Just when you get tired of hating Barry Bonds because, well, it’s just become so pedestrian, he does something new to put his face back in the center of the proverbial dart board.

It would seem the disgraced, former crown prince of baseball cannot find a job. Imagine: no one wants a whiny, self-indulgent charlatan who is past his prime, if his prime ever even existed.

The emperor has no clothes, and only Donald Fehr is following Barry around chirping "Ooh, what a pretty robe Your Highness!"

So Barry, ever the self-proclaimed victim, now seems to think he cannot get a job because he was exposed as a cheat and a liar.

Is Barry truly being discriminated against? OF COURSE he is! I just can’t imagine why no one wants to hire the over-the-hill guy with the bum knee and the attitude problem who cheated his way to a home run record and is now facing criminal charges for perjury.

Why, wonders Barry (while displaying his best deer-in-headlights expression), will no one pay me millions to play the game I’ve made into a mockery? Well sunshine, it’s like applying for a job at a store where you got caught shoplifting six months ago.

Who could say no to this resume?

Barry Bonds

Work Experience: Liar, cheater, misanthrope, criminal

Shall we check his references? His agent Jeff Borris, seems to think he’s can’t get a job because of all this Mitchell Hoopla (a.k.a. the truth got out), which prompted the ever-misguided MLBPA to launch an investigation into the supposed persecution of Barry.

Note: it’s not a "witch hunt” if you actually find Hansel and Gretel in the oven.

So what’s a union to do? Should they find Bonds has been “wronged” somehow and cannot get a job because everyone thinks his abuse of PEDs is bad for baseball? I mean, who are they going to sue, D.A.R.E.?

Or are they just going to MAKE someone take him? We’re sorry, Tampa Bay, we know you decided you didn’t want him because he wasn’t worth the asking price/trouble/legal fees, but you have to take him. I’m sure the clean player whose job Donald Fehr demands he hand over to Barry will be thrilled to see Bonds the human blowup doll arrive.

The problem with all this is that you just can't force anyone to actually want him.

With 50-plus dingers, GMs could ignore their consciences. For the 28 homers Barry hit last year (yeah, he was injured. Merely another red flag.), most baseball execs prefer two cheap platoon guys and the ability to sleep at night.

For years, Bonds has claimed he just wanted to be left alone. Looks like he'll finally get his wish.