One Car to Describe Every NBA Team's Best Player

Jesse DorseyFeatured ColumnistJune 19, 2012

One Car to Describe Every NBA Team's Best Player

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    The NBA Finals have inundated us with advertisements for Kia. As if it weren't enough that they had attached their name to every NBA award, they also had to stuff a commercial in our face every time Scotty Brooks wants to put Kendrick Perkins back in the game.

    Of course, the NBA's relationship with Kia goes far back, but the most exciting part of their relationship came when Baron Davis threw an alley-oop to Blake Griffin out of the sunroof of one of their mobiles during the 2011 Dunk Contest.

    Now, if Blake Griffin were a car, he would be no Kia (Baron Davis probably would be, at this point, however), as he would more likely be a truck that could jump over a row of 80 school buses.

    Which gets me wondering, if each NBA player were actually Transformers, what cars would they transform into? That is, what cars best exhibit the personalities of the NBA's best ballers?

    Let's find out, shall we?

Atlanta Hawks: Josh Smith, 2009 Cadillac CTS-V

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    This immensely powerful Caddy will run to 60 miles per hour in under five seconds, but it doesn't have the ridiculous, eye-grabbing look that supercars tend to have.

    The 2009 Cadillac CTS-V boasts a powerful engine that allows it to rumble the ground as it passes by and speed past in the blink of an eye.

    Josh Smith tends to be a mixture of power and speed with the ball, all while wrapped in a relatively unassuming exterior. 

Boston Celtics: Rajon Rondo, 2011 Lexus LFA

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    A luxury car that's going to blow you away the moment you see it.

    Most people hear the name Lexus and automatically assume the same old boring yet luxurious car that doctors have been driving around for decades, but the 2011 Lexus LFA blows all of those preconceived notions out of the water.

    As with Rajon Rondo, a point guard who has a build quite like a lot of the other point guards in the league, but plays the most unique game of any point guard out there.

Brooklyn Nets: Deron Williams, 2007 Porsche Carrera GT

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    This jaw-dropping piece of car is like nothing that Porsche puts out today. It looks like Porsche took their immaculate designs and forced it to have a child with something pumped out of Lamborghini.

    The 2007 Porsche Carrera GT has the typically light body of your average Porsche, but it's got a V10 jammed into it to make it a borderline airplane.

    Deron Williams flying down the court into the lane on a fast break is eerily similar to one of these puppies taking off down a quarter-mile stretch.

Charlotte Bobcats: Gerald Henderson, Ford Taurus

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    There's not much you can say about the guy who led the Charlotte Bobcats in scoring this season, just as there's not much you can say about an average, everyday Ford Taurus.

    Sure, Gerald Henderson is a fine player if he's your sixth or seventh man, but he's the Bobcats' best scorer, one of their best rebounders and all they have to hang their hats on at times.

Chicago Bulls: Derrick Rose, 1987 Ferrari F40

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    As a car with a classic Ferrari look to it and a new-aged ferocious power and speed, the 1987 Ferrari F40 is a lot of things to the legend of Ferrari.

    This Ferrari was one of the first to display what the future of supercars was going to be, just as Derrick Rose brought on the wave of ultra-athletic, score-first point guards in the NBA.

    He's a little man with a huge motor, and if you step in his way, it's going to hurt.

Cleveland Cavaliers: Kyrie Irving, 2010 Chevy Camaro

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    The 2010 Chevy Camaro brought back the classic Camaro look to the streets, but it completely changed it at the same time.

    No longer was the Camaro that you saw on the streets a rumbling, fierce force of man; it was now a smoother, although still extremely powerful, piece of machinery.

    That's the vibe that Kyrie Irving seems to exude. He's got an old-school jive about him as he struts up the court, but instead of rumbling to the rim he seems to glide and slide around the court, while still throwing his man off-balance from his unexpected power and speed.

Dallas Mavericks: Dirk Nowitzki, 2012 BMW X6 M

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    Sitting somewhere between an SUV and a four-door luxury sedan, the 2012 BMW X6 M seems to be the model of luxury and class for the new generation of cars.

    There's a grace and elegance to it on the outside, but on the inside it's pure chaos and madness. This car jacks out over 550 horsepower and does things that fancy-schmancy BMWs shouldn't be able to do.

    Dirk Nowitzki (yeah, German car, German guy, too easy right?) has that grace and elegance, but he's also got such a herky-jerky game that there's no telling where he's going to end up on the court and how fast he'll get there.

Denver Nuggets: Ty Lawson, 2009 Aston Martin One-77

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    There are very few cars out there quite like this graceful looking Aston Martin (I know, what Aston Martin isn't graceful looking?), and there are few players in the NBA quite like Ty Lawson.

    The 2009 Aston Martin One-77 is a speedster that is so low to the ground that it looks like it would bottom out should it hit the slightest speed bump. However, it has a huge 7.3 liter engine sitting in it that'll hurl it from here to there and back again before you even get out of your chair.

    The speed of this One-77 is rivaled only by Lawson in the NBA these days, and it's hard to tell which one would win in a race.

Detroit Pistons: Greg Monroe, 2010 VW Touareg W12

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    He's not as toned as Dwight Howard, he's not jumping over (the hood of) a car like Blake Griffin and he's not dipping his shoulder and sliding around guys like Tim Duncan, but Greg Monroe is quickly becoming one of the best young centers in the league.

    The 2010 VW Touareg W12 just looks like another luxury SUV on the outside, but once this baby gets a-rumbling there's no doubting how much power this machine has. It may just look like an oversized VW Rabbit, but I assure you this machine has enough power to hunt down a Rabbit and make a stew out of it.

Golden State Warriors: Andrew Bogut, 1986 Lamborghini LM002

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    The 1986 Lamborghini LM002 looks like the modern-day Hummer's great-grandfather, but the puny little H3s rolling around the streets today would be quaking on their rubbers should one of these bad boys roll by.

    The Lamborghini name automatically puts the image of a little speedster rolling around in your mind, just like the notion of an Australian basketball player, but this isn't a little speedster and Andrew Bogut isn't an average little Aussie baller.

Houston Rockets: Kyle Lowry, 1955 Ford Thunderbird

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    The classic look of the '50s comes packaged with the power, grace and speed of a Thunderbird, the best thing non-truck related Ford has ever done. Well, I suppose the Model-T was pretty cool as well.

    Anyway, the 1955 Ford Thunderbird is easily one of the most iconic pieces of Americana of the past 100 years, but the old school had a little bit of new school in it when it took off the starting line.

    Just as Kyle Lowry is able to run an offense like any old point guard from times past, he's able to crash the boards and score, kind of like a new-age Jason Kidd.

Indiana Pacers: Danny Granger, 2010 BMW X6 M

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    This car basically does everything well, but it doesn't do one thing to the point that your jaw is hitting the floor.

    Well, I suppose that's a lie, the 2010 BMW X6 M is an insanely powerful machine, throwing out over 500 horses and speeding to and fro like Granger himself.

    But, like Granger and his athletic abilities, you come in the door for the power, but you stay for the luxury and style of a BMW.

Los Angeles Clippers: Chris Paul, 1964 Ford GT40

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    The classic American supercar.

    Sure, that sounds like a bit of an oxymoron, as today's Ford GT and Dodge Viper have no hold on the market compared to the Lamborghinis and Bugattis of the world, but back when this puppy first came out it was an eye-catcher.

    The 1964 Ford GT40 had the flash and fury of a supercar of the era, but it was also stylish and gentle enough if needed to be driven to the race track as you tried to break the sound barrier.

Los Angeles Lakers: Kobe Bryant, 1964 Porsche 911

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    An original, a classic, a real car.

    That's what comes to mind when you steal a glimpse at the 1964 Porsche 911, and I say steal a glimpse because one cannot just stare at the greatness of this car too long—you'll be blinded like you've stared at the sun.

    Kobe Bryant is one of the few people in the NBA today who have the storied past as well as the current quality to grant them staying power with all generations of NBA fans (Tim Duncan would be another).

    Regardless of whether you love or hate Kobe Bryant, love or hate foreign cars, you've got to admit the greatness of both of these.

Memphis Grizzlies: Rudy Gay, 2011 Audi R8 GT

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    There is a lot to like about this beautiful machine, but at times it looks like Audi is trying too hard to make something that people are going to be in awe of.

    Still, the 2011 Audi R8 GT has the style of an Audi and all kinds of crazy power that you would never expect from a little, unassuming Audi.

    Rudy Gay isn't exactly the slickest or most perfect player in the league, but what he does right far outweighs what he does wrong, just like this little Audi.

Miami Heat: LeBron James, 2009 SSC Ultimate Aero

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    Throw away your Bugatti Veyron's if you've still got those out-dated pieces of garbage; here's the puppy you really want if you want a powerful machine.

    The 2009 SSC Ultimate Aero is a vehicle (calling it a car is like calling the Goliath Bird-Eating Spider a bug) that pumps out nearly 1,300 horsepower while not hitting the wind, flipping and killing anyone brave enough to ride in it.

    Put a wing on it and it'll fly, throw a rudder on the back and you can speed across the water. This thing is a monster, just like LeBron on a basketball court.

Milwaukee Bucks: Monta Ellis, 1970 Datsun 240Z

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    A curious looking little car, the 1970 Datsun 240Z is one of the earliest versions of the quick little low-lying speedsters that come out of Japan and China.

    This pretty little machine wasn't costly and didn't break down very easily—plus it was fast, fast, fast.

    The only thing that could dart in and out of traffic better than this Datsun is Monta Ellis darting in and out of traffic as he cuts to the hoop.

Minnesota Timberwolves: Kevin Love, 1984 Jeep Cherokee

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    Sure, it's not a pretty truck by today's standards, but it works better than most and it can do anything you ask it to.

    There's an old-school feeling to Kevin Love's game that is just impossible to ignore. The way he uses his body to get into the lane and grab a rebound, tipping the ball to himself from awkward angles and just dogging it out game in and game out is just like the 1984 Jeep Cherokee looking like a box on wheels climbing up a steep rocky grade.

New Orleans Hornets: Eric Gordon, 1995 BMW M3

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    He's got a pretty game, he's relatively affordable at the time being and the way he moves with and without the ball is something to behold.

    Just like most BMWs that focused more on fun rather than style in the mid-'90s, the 1995 BMW M3 has become a classic creation from BMW that looks just as cool as it is to drive.

    It's quick, it's smooth, it's Eric Gordon.

New York Knicks: Carmelo Anthony, 1960 Rolls Royce Silver Cloud II

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    The 1960 Rolls Royce Silver Cloud II is a bulky machine, but there's not one person out there who looks at it without the slightest bit of envy for whomever it may belong to.

    Just as Carmelo Anthony is the scorer to end all scorers in the NBA, this is the luxury car to end all luxury cars. There's nothing out there that can top it these days, regardless of what your RR Phantoms say.

Oklahoma City Thunder: Kevin Durant, 2006 Ford GT

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    Kevin Durant is quite a bit like the American supercar that came in the middle of the last decade. There's a lot more than meets the eye to these things.

    The  2006 Ford GT is nothing if not a lumpy mess, but that hardly matters once the thing starts rumbling down a quarter-mile track. 

    This thing is the epitome of speed, power and intimidation, even if it does leave a tiny bit to be desired. 

Orlando Magic: Dwight Howard, Volvo FH16

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    Much like it sometimes seems unfair for Dwight Howard to be on a basketball court, it seems like the Volvo FH16 shouldn't be allowed on the road. Ever.

    As you can see, the Volvo FH16 is a semi-truck, but it's not just any semi—it happens to be the most powerful truck in the world.

    The FH16 boasts over 700 horsepower and enough torque to rip the clothes off the Statue of Liberty, and I'm not so sure that Dwight Howard couldn't say the same.

Philadelphia 76ers: Andre Iguodala, 2003 Mitsubishi Lancer Evolution VIII

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    It's probably one of the most versatile rally car to ever come across the streets, and it's a pretty cool looking little thing to boot.

    The 2003 Mitsubishi Lancer Evolution VIII is powerful for a car its size. It's a quick little machine and extremely maneuverable, without a doubt.

    This little car can do pretty much anything you ask it to, much like the way that Andre Iguodala plays basketball.

Phoenix Suns: Steve Nash, 1973 Lancia Stratos

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    Steve Nash very much exhibits a mixture of schools in his game. He's got the old school ability to run an offense like every point guard of yesteryear, but he's also a graduate of a school that nobody else has ever been to.

    He's not excessively flashy like Pistol Pete and he's not excessively fundamental like John Stockton—he's just excessively Steve Nash.

    This 1973 Lancia Stratos is tiny, almost comically tiny, but it's powered by a Ferrari V6 that sends it hurtling toward oblivion like space junk flying into the Earth's atmosphere.

    It's a unique mobile, and at the same time it's got the charm of an old machine.

Portland Trail Blazers: LaMarcus Aldridge, 2010 Rolls-Royce Ghost

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    Power, grace, luxury and style. That's all you really need to know about the 2010 Rolls-Royce Ghost. Hell, that's really all you need to know about LaMarcus Aldridge as well.

    Aldridge's ability to play from anywhere on the floor, play multiple positions and confuse or overpower defenders—depending on how he's feeling on that particular day—displays every aspect of his game.

    The Ghost is the typical luxurious car that Rolls Royce pumps out, but it's also the most powerful, pumping out over 550 horsepower.

Sacramento Kings: DeMarcus Cousins, 1973 Pontiac Trans-Am Super Duty

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    Whenever I hear the name "Trans-Am" I always tend to picture a loud, cheesy, slightly sporty car with a big firebird sprawled out across the hood as a dude that looks like Larry Bird circa 1984 in cut-off jeans with a pocket poking out the bottom of each side with a Red laying lazily on his lip and a Budweiser in a Dale Earnhardt cozy leans up against it as Molly Hatchet blares out of the speakers.

    However, the 1973 Pontiac Trans-Am Super Duty is a beautifully constructed car, with just a bit of the immaturity of the Firebird still built in.

    It'll rumble down an alley-way and put fear into any old Firebird any day.

San Antonio Spurs: Tony Parker, 1963 Aston Martin DB5

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    The 1963 Aston Martin DB5 is about as suave and sophisticated as a car can get, and yeah, James Bond did own one.

    Despite the fact that it's as compact as any Aston Martin out there, it's terribly quick and unassumingly smooth, just like Tony Parker as he brings the ball up the court, dribbles into the lane, gives the ball up to a cutting Kawhi Leonard and boxes out to prevent any kind of transition, all while getting the phone number of the girl in the front row wearing a tight white dress.

    Yea, it's kind of a big deal.

Toronto Raptors: Andrea Bargnani, 2013 GMC Terrain

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    The new luxury SUV coming out of GMC looks like it would haul ass around the hood with some big shiny rims and bass a-booming as you pulled up to a stoplight, but there probably isn't much ass hauling going on with this truck.

    The 2013 GMC Terrain is a good-looking car, and there's not much to hate about it, other than the fact that it'll probably get outrun by any old Honda driving around the block. Just pick up a Kia Sorento and you'll be fine (can I have my check now, NBA?).

Utah Jazz: Al Jefferson, 2010 RAM Power Wagon

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    There's an intimate kind of grace to a car that can go off the beaten path and slowly traverse a rocky path that you'd otherwise have to get up and use your feet to get past. That's why the 2010 RAM Power Wagon is as cool as it is.

    In a truck that can literally climb mountains, there's a certain combination of power and finesse that's necessary that the Power Wagon has.

    Al Jefferson has that same kind of game, killing guys with his power and then dipping his shoulder and embarrassing them with his finesse.

Washington Wizards: John Wall, 1994 Jaguar XJ220

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    You'll look at the 1994 Jaguar XJ220 and think that at the earliest it's from 2038, but when you find out it's from 1994, your jaw will hit the ground.

    This machine is so stylish, so sleek and so damn fast that there's no way it comes from the dead era of cars when something like this was acceptable.

    John Wall is certainly a robot sent from the future to retrieve John Carter. Just give him the dude before he destroys our planet.

    If you are one of those twitterers, you can follow me @JDorsey33.