Why the Mets Must Sign Bugs Bunny

There's an old cartoon in which Bugs Bunny takes on the Gashouse Gorillas all by himself.  He plays every position, throws an incredible slow ball, and has the speed and agility to scale the Statue of Liberty in order to catch a towering fly ball.

He does all this and never gets hurt.

The Mets need him.

While every Mets fan north of the equator applauded the Johan Santana trade, the lack of first base and right-handed offensive depth is now the team's biggest problem.

Carlos Delgado, old at 35, seems to break his hip every time he slips getting out of the tub.

Moises Alou, older at 41, should call his uncle Jesus and ask for a miracle to quickly cure his hernia.

Orlando "El Duque" Hernandez, now 77, is on a waiting list for a right foot transplant.

Ryan Church has a concussion.  Brian Schneider tweaked a hamstring.  Marlon Anderson—who gave Church the concussion—is ailing.

Endy Chavez hasn't played yet.  Carlos Beltran hasn't played yet.  Luis Castillo hasn't played yet.

The star of camp thus far has been Angel Pagan (who can maybe fill in for Jesus Alou if he can't be found at a local Ryan Church).

Angel is a former castoff.  Is he good enough to backup the injured (and lefty batting) Chavez on opening day?  Can Chavez stay healthy all year?

Na-na-na-na nineteen-year-old Fernando Martinez, who started camp saying he'd be up this year—count on it!—may be called up sooner than we all thought, and hoped.

What to do?  We can make a trade.

But who do we trade?  Joe Smith?

I read in one blog that someone suggested we trade Church and Schneider to the Nationals for Lastings Milledge (right handed bat).

I'll call it now: What we did to Minnesota for Johan is what Washington did to the Mets for Milledge.  Only, Milledge will probably be a Jose Guillen/Milton Bradley type of guy.  Big mouth.  Big on the field.  Can't stay in one organization longer than two years.

There's plenty of time before the regular season ends and still time before it begins.

Kenny Lofton, Sammy Sosa, Reggie Sanders...these are some outfield free agents.  Last year's backup first baseman, Shawn Green, has basically retired.  Preston Wilson is still out there, too.  

There are options within and options without.

But it appears the Mets will start the year without full health.  And that's why the signing of Bugs Bunny could have been this offseason's biggest deal.