MRI Reveals Source of Marian Gaborik's Propensity for Injuries

A recent MRI by part-time Minnesota Wild medical consultant Dr. Arthur Wrightess has revealed one of the possible reasons why star forward Marian Gaborik is constantly besieged with injuries every season.

“We believe in the holistic approach to Marian’s rehabs,” Wrightess said. "We generally stick to carrot juice supplements and really hard prayer to get him back into game shape...but now, after missing almost 95 games in the last five seasons, we decided to look a little deeper.”

According to an unnamed hospital informant, the MRI revealed that Gaborik’s major joint areas, and some of his groin, are made of Legos^TM.

“The plastic toy inter-connecting block structures do not seem to hold up well to the movement and punishment hockey players usually subject their bodies to,” Wrightess said.

How Gaborik’s body became partially made up of Lego toy building blocks is a mystery to Minnesota’s team doctors.

“We have no idea,” reported one source within the organization.

In going forward, Dr. Wrightess plans a more aggressive approach to Gaborik’s rehabilitation.

“I’ve developed a new non-invasive technique involving duct-tape that I’m hoping Marian will respond well to. This, coupled with an intensive program of mystical incantations and Zulu healing chants, should speed up his recovery.”

The good news is that if Gaborik does not respond to Wrightess’s new treatment, there is a back-up plan involving the replacement of the Legos with larger Duplo^TM blocks.

“Duplo blocks respond a little better to body checks, so with the replacement we think we can cut Marian’s injury time down from 30 games per season to around 28 or 27 ½,” added Wrightess.

Another possible solution for the Gaborik injury dilemma is to trick another team into trading for him.

“For a short time there was hope that the Pigeons—er, I mean, ah—management in Atlanta would agree to swap Ilya Kovalchuk for Marian, but this if this whole Lego thing gets out, it might hurt us...there’s still a chance the Thrashers may go for it, though...we’re using Jedi mind tricks to try and keep the deal alive,” said a confidential source from within the Wild head office.

Gaborik, who tallied 83 points in 77 games last season, is a fairly impressive producer when he is not nursing an ailment, but there are those around the league that say he simply feels more comfortable with a 60 to 68-game season.

But that’s just a dirty rumor.