The Alex Rodriguez Steroid Conspiracy Theory

Former Atlanta Braves relief pitcher John Rocker, a village idiot who alienated the city of New York with his racist and homophobic comments, became the latest outcast to finger New York Yankees superstar Alex Rodriguez as an abuser of steroids.

On Monday, the obnoxious hick from Georgia claimed that in spring training of 2002, a doctor hired by the Major League Baseball Players Association instructed him and his then-Texas Rangers teammate on how to juice up in a way that is “not going to hurt you.”

This is the second time since December that A-Post-Season-Out has been accused of utilizing synthetic testosterone. In the immediate aftermath of the Mitchell Report, Jose Canseco, a dishonorable speaker of truth, said he was flabbergasted that A-Rod wasn’t among the 83 names mentioned in the Director of the Boston Red Sox's investigation into performance enhancing drugs.

“All I can say is the Mitchell Report is incomplete,” Canseco said. “I could not believe that (Rodriguez’s) name was not in the report.”

As mind-numbing as it is, in this distorted day and steroid age, Canseco is baseball’s answer to “Honest” Abe Lincoln, and if he says the purple-lipped pariah took a banned substance, then he likely did.

Generally, I am not a conspiracy theorist. After reading Gerald Posner’s book, “Cased Closed,” I think Lee Harvey Oswald was John Kennedy’s lone murderer that terrible afternoon in Dallas, Texas.

I am also not a member of the “9-11 Truth Movement.” I think 19 members of Al-Qaeda commandeered four commercial aircrafts on 9/11/2001 and that’s that.

But, with A-Rod’s conspicuous omission from Mitchell’s report, I wonder if a conspiracy is not in our midst.

Can one not fathom MLB Commissioner Bud Selig politely asking his investigator to keep his paws off the heir apparent to his sports all-time home-run crown?

Rodriguez, who has 518 round-trippers at 32 years of age, will likely surpass Barry Bonds, the face of steroids, and his 762 lifetime dingers somewhere in the vicinity of the year 2012.

Selig needs a dirty Rodriguez as much as he needs a case of herpes, and I am confident that he’ll go to great lengths to keep A-Rod’s drug results cleaner than Danny Tanner’s kitchen floor.

By the way, for those keeping record at home, the Red Sox's mediocre pitcher, Daisuke Matsuzaka, has recorded more post season RBI’s (two) than A-Rod has since game four of the 2004 ALCS. Rodriguez has one RBI since that timeframe.

Wednesday on Capitol Hill, tarnished baseball icon Roger Clemens exhibited the least impressive performance in a court of law since Stanley Rothenstein’s public defender graced us with his stuttering-self in “My Cousin Vinny.”

Under oath, rogue trainer Brian McNamee said he injected Andy Pettitte with human growth hormone and, when pressed, the lefty-ace acknowledged that McNamee was being straightforward with his account.

After having his ear placed against the proverbial stove, McNamee revealed that he also injected Clemens' better-half, Debbie, with HGH, and the pitcher’s wife reluctantly admitted that McNamee was speaking with candor.

Are we truly to believe that McNamee is lying solely regarding his accusations towards Clemens? I think not. Clemens is a disgraceful excuse for a husband, friend and ballplayer.

Since it’s Valentine’s Day, one needs to wonder what Knicks owner James Dolan and his head coach Isiah Thomas have planned for the night. I’ll bet they are going to share a bath in a heart-shaped tub and listen to the sexual melodies of Marvin Gaye from a Bose sound system.