David Hasselhoff Slated to Sing Anthem at Las Vegas Bowl

Sometimes, you have to question the desperation of some bowls when they do things like schedule Ashlee Simpson to sing at a football bowl. After all, fans want to hear something better than the sound of a screeching cat getting dragged under a tire at 60 mph, don't they?

But usually, they learn their mistake and demand demo tapes that haven't been recorded in a shower as proof of a singer's singing capability without benefit of mixers. "Usually" being the key word here.

Apparently, the Pioneer Las Vegas Bowl didn't watch Simpson's rendition of "You make me want to scream" (although she did make us want to scream—and even follow it up with a few hurls) and decided to go with a Euro-hero to sing the anthem at its bowl.

Yes, it's true, this bowl loves the sound of fingernails on blackboards and Lloyd Christmas making that annoying sound.

They love the smell of napalm in the morning, and they think red-blooded American football fans will applaud their choice to sing our anthem, all without getting beer getting thrown at them by their seat mates.

In true Vegas fashion, they rolled the dice, and came up...craps.

Ladies and gentlemen, the Pioneer Las Vegas Bowl proudly presents Arizona and BYU  (tickets still available, of course) with David Hasselhoff singing the national anthem.

Can we have Ashlee back? (Oh, we can't believe we said that) Was Roseanne not available? How about Carl Lewis? Leif Erickson?

Look, Hasselhoff can hold a tune like David Soul (remember Hutch from Starsky and Hutch?) could in his famous ballad, Don't Give Up on Us. The only reason why the song did well was because he was Hutch, and he was cute, if you like guys who wear the same tan shiny leather jacket every freaking day.

The Pioneer Las Vegas Bowl has decided that Hasselhoff, who wasn't the reason why Baywatch was big—am I right, guys?—is the right man to sing the anthem. Pamela Anderson would have been the better choice, if only because the possibilities of a wardrobe malfunction would keep viewers glued to their La-Z-Boys during the entire performance.

According to the LasVegasInsider.com, "Football fanatics will flock to the Pioneer Las Vegas Bowl at Sam Boyd Stadium where the University of Arizona plays BYU and David Hasselhoff will sing the National Anthem."

(*Crickets chirping...*)

Now, we aren't trying to be judgmental here, but is a guy lying on the floor, trying to eat a hamburger, loaded out of his mind while his teenage daughter tries to talk to him, really such a great choice?

The same guy who was denied boarding of a UK flight because he was stumbling around the airport and allegedly soiling his pants? According to his publicist, it was due to antibiotics. Yep, if I have strep throat and they put me on antibiotics, I do the same thing—stumble, mumble, pick up on total strangers and mistake my pants for a public toilet.

Of course, y'all are dying to know why he was on antibiotics, aren't you? He was shaving, and bumped into a chandelier, sending shards of glass into his arm which resulted in some cuts.

(*More crickets chirping...*)

Umm, don't they usually hang chandeliers way above your head, to avoid contact? Just where was he shaving? And why wasn't a lawsuit filed against that horrid London hotelier for negligence?

We digress, our apologies. Were the Backstreet Boys not available? Lindsay Lohan? Just wonderin'.

OK, so this Baywatch (*cough*) actor gets the Vegas Bowl gig. Two thoughts here- one, isn't it kind of an insult to BYU fans to have a guy with alcohol problems singing, and two, isn't this an insult to real singers?

While you all digest this breaking news and mind-bending questions, we'll leave you with this—David Soul. Just listen to him try to hold a note toward the end. It's magical. It's beautiful. It's painful.

Mr. Hasselhoff, the bar has been set. See if you can step over it.