Chizik Is Off the Chizzang!

In news that has thrilled college football fans all around the southeast, Auburn is set to introduce Gene Chizik as the new head coach of their tackle football team tomorrow. Ironically, most of the inspired populace reside outside of Opelika.

Coach Chizik won a beauty contest that was made infamous more for who didn't enter than who was being interviewed. Sexy names such as Spurrier and Muschamp spurned opportunities to take over for Coach Tubs, perhaps fearing that their ears would not match up against the beleaguered Tuberville.

Other attractive candidates such as Gill and Hoke just didn't have the star power or pizazz the Auburn brass were looking for.

Coach Chizik...here's your headset.

Undeterred, Auburn officials scoured the NCAA landscape for signal callers with a fraction of the resume of the man who had resigned...himself to being fired. Chizik checked out in every category officials were looking for: a heartbeat, willing to coach against Nick Saban each year, and answer their phone.

As news spread back to the plains of their former defensive coordinator's move back east, fans of the Auburn program were so mesmerized by the hire that they suppressed their glee by hurling insults at Athletic Department higher ups as they de-boarded BOOSTer Lowder's plane.

The remaining fans streamed into churches this morning, undoubtedly to ask forgiveness for doubting their team officials' competence.

Chizik brings a humbling 5-19 record with him that he apparently will bring in a carry on bag during the flight to eastern Alabama. Despite the modest record, Iowa State officials are sad to see their nearly winless leader leave.

ISU Athletic Director described the news as both "hurtful and disappointing." Apparently standards are at recession-type levels already in Ames.

A news conference is set for Monday. At the conclusion of Coach Chizik's introduction the Auburn Athletic Office will close for Christmas vacation, recess and scheduled lobotomies.