Wild NFL Christmas Party

Hi, happy holidays. Welcome to our 2008 NFL Christmas party. Thanks for coming. So glad you could make it. No worries about being late–you’re not the only one. We’re still waiting on Plaxico. He does this every year. Hopefully he’ll show soon—he has a great surprise awaiting him.

I heard that Antonio Pierce drew Plaxico’s name for Secret Santa; earlier tonight, I found Antonio in the guest room, wrapping a Red Ryder BB Gun.

Can I take your coat? Actually, it looks like it’s a little wet from the snow. Better give it to Kurt Warner—he loves hanging things out to dry. And he says he’s going to be staying around the hall closet and away from the main room all night anyway. Doesn’t like how the lights and glitzy decorations commercial the birth of Christ, or something like that.

Did you find Warner? Good. Come with me, I’ll show you around. How were the roads on your way in? LaDainian Tomlinson was saying that they seemed more uphill this year. We think his car might have a bad tire though.

L.T. hasn’t been getting places too well lately. Ever since his chauffeur, Lorenzo Neal, left, things just haven’t been the same for the guy.

Flozell Adams was also late tonight. He got pulled over by police on the way here. They said he ran a red light. Flozell’s excuse was he thought it was about to turn green.

The entire Vikings team was a little late, too, but if you ask me, I’d say they got here just fine. They all rode Adrian Peterson. Or with Adrian Peterson, I mean. And Brett Favre called to say he wouldn’t make it this year, but he says that every year.

Someone said he just called again and is on the way. Well, anyways, I’ll stop blabbering and actually show you around.

This is the main room. You see Tony Romo over there? He’s helping his girlfriend set up the karaoke machine. I’ll just apologize in advance for this—we simply spaced it when we told Romo he could bring a guest. And I heard his girlfriend recorded a Christmas album a few years ago. Yeah I know, joy to the world, right? Ugh.

Next to Romo is Chad Johnson. We were sure he showed up drunk, but a buddy of mine told me that Johnson actually doesn’t drink at all. That blows my mind. None of us can figure this guy out. He’s been boisterous and abrasive all night, and he keeps saying that his real name is Nacho Cinco, or something like that. He thinks he’s the life of the party, but really, he hasn’t done a thing.

See him just standing there while Romo tries to lift that big speaker all by himself? Earlier, Johnson watched Ryan Fitzpatrick carry in a big box of presents, and instead of helping with the load, Johnson just started yelling at Fitzpatrick for not giving him some of the gifts.

It didn’t make any sense. (I will admit, though, Fitzpatrick didn’t seem to have any clue what he was doing or where he was going with the gifts.)

Anyway, Johnson’s not drunk, but I wouldn’t recommend talking to him. He’ll probably come up and try talk to you though. Oh! By the way, do you know who was drunk earlier?!

That new coach from San Francisco. He showed up with Vernon Davis, hit the eggnog right away, and in no less than 20 minutes, I kid you not, the dude was dropping his pants and lecturing everyone about the proper way to throw a good old-fashioned Christmas party.

He was furious that we had Ashanti’s Christmas album playing in the background. He said we should have been listening to Nat King Cole. To be honest, I think a lot of us kind of agreed with him. The coach seems crazy, but deep down, he’s probably the sanest one here.

I have no idea where he is now—he started shouting at Davis and telling him to leave. But Davis is his ride home, so figure that one out.

Anyway, follow me. This table is where you can leave your Secret Santa gift. I should mention, we think Bill Belichick is rigging the Secret Santa again. He always seems to know exactly what everyone is getting. You can set your gift here, next to the long box that is obviously Plaxico’s Red Ryder BB Gun.

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