Sabathia Spurns $160 Million Move to NY Citing “Land Deforestation” Concerns

Photo: Sabathia kissing the grass.

C.C. Sabathia may be the best pitcher in baseball, but his true love is nature.

“I just love strolling through the forest alone, smelling the fresh dew, feeling the soft moss, and hearing the soft crunch of the fallen leaves beneath my boots,” said Sabathia, who took a break from gardening to speak with me.

“What worries me most about a move to the Big Apple is that, in some ways, I would be condoning the destruction of our most precious resource. I mean, New Yorkers don’t give two shits about the environment—I hear they’re gonna build a big mall in Central Park!” Sabathia continued. “I can’t live like that!”

Sabathia also ruled out a move to the Dodgers, Angels, Giants, Red Sox, Braves, Astros, Mets, and others for the same reason. “I wish I could quit baseball and plants trees all day, but something’s gotta pay the mortgage.”

Then Sabathia got a twinkle in his eye and brought me around back. “This is my favorite tree! Don’t you love it!” he whispered as he hugged it.