The Geriatric Patriots: The First Annual Alumni Game

The Patriots are known for their ability to be very inventive with the personnel changes as injuries take their toll through the course of the season. With information coming from reliable sources within the Patriots organization, this year the team will institute the "Annual Alumni Game."

Apparently, invitations went out shortly after the Patriots win over the Seattle Seahawks. Coach Bill Belichick was so impressed with the play of the two returning line backers, Roosevelt Colvin and Junior Seau, he called the owner, Robert Kraft, and got immediate approval for his personnel replacement scheme.

It was determined the team can clear nearly 20 roster spots by placing many of the walking wounded on IR. As the Pats have already signed two retired linebackers, they are looking to fill some of their other roster positions.

To date the following players have been invited:

Drew Bledsoe—QB—Has declined the invitation. Drew has stipulated he refuses to hold a clip board for anymore snot-nosed kids.

Corwin Brown—DB—Has accepted. He stressed he should only be used in zone schemes as he is no good for man coverage at his advanced age.

Troy Brown—WR/DB/?—He has accepted. When he retired, he never really left the locker room. In his retirement he has been collecting the dirty towels and cleaning the dry erase boards. Troy has stated he has no restrictions on what position he will play. Just let him play.

Ben Coates—WR—Has accepted the invitation. He is looking forward to reuniting with fellow wide receivers Troy Brown and Terry Glenn. He was concerned by accepting, he would have his name removed from the Patriots’ Hall of Fame. The front office has assured him his bust would remain in place.

Doug Flutie—QB—Has accepted on the condition he is allowed the opportunity to run another drop kick play to solidify his place in NFL statistics.

Sam Gash—FB—Has accepted, but requests he not be called “Slashing Sam Gash.”

Terry Glenn—WR—He states he has fully recovered from his surgery and is ready to go. He swears he has not lost a step.

Max Lane—OT/OG—Has accepted. His only request was if Reggie White is lined up against him, he would have to come out of the game. Reggie has a way of pouring through him like water.

Ty Law—CB—Has declined the invitation as he is still gainfully employed.

Ted Johnson—LB—Has not replied to the invitation. We suspect it is due to the bad blood between him and Coach Belichick.

Lawyer Malloy—SS—Has declined the invitation as he is still gainfully employed.

Curtis Martin—RB—Has accepted on the condition he not be required to start his runs from a three-point stance. He explained his knees tend to grind and lock up from such stress.

Ted Washington—NT/DT—Has accepted but says he will probably play at DT as he has shed a few pounds since his retirement.

Adam Vinatieri—K—Has declined the invitation as he is still gainfully employed.

Our source informs us nearly all prior players are slated to be contacted. If successful medicals are achieved they hope to field the team against the Raiders this week in Oakland, California.

Of the Alumni players who survive the game, they will be invited to finish out the season for the team.

When Coach Belichick was asked about the personnel changes he simply stated, “Let’s see who passes the physical first before we discuss that.”

After the Raiders game this Sunday, the Patriots return to Foxboro for the beginning of the newly instituted “Old Home Week.”