NFL Power Rankings: 5 Week 1 Winners That Aren't Going Anywhere

If my math is correct, 16 teams in the NFL got off to a good start in Week 1.

Yup, it's correct. I just double-checked, and I see that that there were indeed 16 winners in the first week of the regular season. Good for them.

If the season ended today, all 16 of these teams would be knocking on the door of the playoffs. Some kind of Thunderdome affair would have to be held to whittle the total down to 12, but my guess is that such a thing could be arranged.

But I guess I'll save Roger Goodell the trouble. While some of the first week's winners promise to be playing in the postseason come January, there are five teams in particular that I think have no shot whatsoever.

Chicago Bears (No. 11)

Like that, my right to safe passage through Chicago just went poof. After all, how the hell can I say the Bears have no shot at the playoffs? They dismantled the Atlanta Falcons, for criminy's sake, and they're No. 11 on my very own power rankings!

These things are true. But if I may speak plainly, I'm just not a big believer in the Bears. They overachieved last season, and I fear they're aiming to do the same again this year.

But that will not last for long. The New Orleans Saints will set the Bears straight this week, and the Green Bay Packers will duplicate the deed in Week 3. From there, it will be a rocky road straight to mediocrity.

Man, even I think I sound like a jerk my apologies, Chicago.

Oakland Raiders (No. 16)

Alas, now I'm being a jerk to myself. I love the Raiders, yet here they are in the last place I want to see them.

For the first time since 2002, the Raiders are 1-0. The 2002 season went pretty well, as I recall, so my hope is that there's some kind of nine-year trend at work here.

But there is no such trend. The Raiders may have beaten the Denver Broncos, but well, they beat the Denver Broncos. The Broncos are a bad team and they played like one. You have to take a win over a team like that for what it's worth.

Also, they had 15 penalties and that is a lot of yellow!

So, when the Raiders actually play well and beat a good team, then we can start talking about nine-year trends.

Buffalo Bills (No. 24)

Three cheers to the Bills for demolishing the Kansas City Chiefs on Sunday. I for one just didn't see that coming.

That's probably because the Bills are still a lousy team, blowout win or no blowout win. They just had the good fortune of going up against a team that is, at the moment, more lousy than they are.

Besides, do any of us seriously think the Bills are going to stay relevant in a division like the AFC East?

I didn't think so.

Jacksonville Jaguars (No. 20)

I would also like to say we should give three cheers to the Jaguars, but I think we would be better off giving three jeers to the Tennessee Titans.

I mean, come on Tennessee! How can you go up against a team being led by Luke McCown and lose? While you were at it, why the hell didn't it occur to you to give Chris Johnson more than nine carries?

These are questions without answers. All I know is that the Jaguars will not stay undefeated for long. The New York Jets will set them straight this week.

If they don't, I'll scold them too.

Cincinnati Bengals (No. 30)

Contrary to what we all thought they were going to be, the Bengals certainly didn't look like a team in shambles against the Cleveland Browns on Sunday. They looked like they had as much talent and poise as any team in the league.

In reality, though, the Bengals are not as talented or as poised as any team in the league. They are merely more talented and more poised than the Browns. That's more of an insult to the Browns than it is a compliment for the Bengals.

The sad part: the Bengals now get to go be more talented and poised than the Broncos.

Who the hell scheduled that game?

2011 NFL Power Rankings
1. New England Patriots
2. Green Bay Packers
3.  Baltimore Ravens
4. Philadelphia Eagles
5. New Orleans Saints
6. Houston Texans
7. San Diego Chargers
8. Pittsburgh Steelers
9. Atlanta Falcons
10. Detroit Lions
11. Chicago Bears
12. New York Jets
13. Tampa Bay Buccaneers
14. Arizona Cardinals
15. Dallas Cowboys
16. Oakland Raiders
17. Kansas City Chiefs
18. New York Giants
19. St. Louis Rams
20. Jacksonville Jaguars
21.  Washington Redskins
22. Tennessee Titans
23. Indianapolis Colts
24.  Buffalo Bills
25. Miami Dolphins
26. Cleveland Browns
27. San Francisco 49ers
28.  Carolina Panthers
29. Minnesota Vikings
30. Cincinnati Bengals
31. Denver Broncos
32. Seattle Seahawks