Nobody Asked Me But...

The late Jim Murray once paid homage to Jimmy Cannon by writing his own version of Cannon’s “Nobody asked me but…” column back in 1992. Murray claimed he was no Jimmy Cannon, but wanted to pay his respects. I won't scream that I’m even in the same universe as Jim Murray, but I too think that this must live on, somewhere.

Accordingly, I’m going to resurrect this great gimmick, in honor of both Cannon and Murray. Murray, today, is better than anyone I’ve ever read.

So, nobody asked me, really, but…

1. Columnists that copy other columnist idea’s are lazy.
2. Giving Mike Parker a mic is like giving Monet a brush. Or Einstein a calculator.
3. Women’s sports are underrated in general. They work twice as hard and reap half the benefits.
4. Rap is no longer a genre of music. With all of the stupid dances, now it’s simply a collection of beats and one-liners that football players copy in the end zone.
5. Meanwhile, hip hop is alive and Lupe Fiasco is the best lyricists in the game.  
6. On that note, “Hip Hop Saved my Life.” As did Lindsay Schnell.
7. Daylight Savings Time is ridiculous. As is driving home from work in the dark.
8. I might owe my future career to Former Olympic volleyball coach Taras Liskevych.
9. Sports are beautiful. People who don’t “like” sports should quit—at life.
10. Girls that wear Ugg boots, jeans, and huge sunglasses at any sporting event look ridiculous. I don’t care if it’s trendy.
11. Girls in jerseys are always attractive, regardless of time or place.
12. To the guy who was wearing the shirt that read: “Gay people are retarded.” Wow. And not in a good way.
13. When I said Oregon State quarterback Lyle Moevao was the better choice under center, people should have listened.  
14. Women like watching sports for the same reason men like driving sports cars. It attracts the opposite sex.
15. Everyone should touch the Heisman Trophy at least once.
16. The Titanic is a great metaphor for the original blackout event. You fill in the blanks.
17. Eventually—If he sticks to his guns—Casey Grogan is going to be the best baseball writer in the country. Write that down.
18. Fans in jumpsuits look awkward. The only time it is okay to wear a jumpsuit is in prison or to a Raider game—which is pretty much the same thing.
19. Mascots were way better five years ago.
20. Real, old-school, sports journalism is dead. In 15 years, all of the old-school sports journalists will be, too. People who aren’t worried about that, worry me.
21. The Civil War football game with no fog and rain is like Malibu without sunshine and attractive women or the Packers without Brett Favre.
22. I think that Oregon State women’s basketball coach LaVonda Wagner could beat the hell out of me. And you. And our friends. All at once.
23. Athletes that try and rap rarely succeed.
24. To that note, if someone would have told me four years ago that “O-State Ballers” would be playing on ESPN, I would have laughed in his face. Of course, I probably did and don’t remember it.
25. Tailgating before football games should be mandatory. People who just show up to games don’t know how to cheer correctly.
26. The idea for “Title Defended” is the worst slogan anyone could have come up with for the Beaver baseball back-to-back national championships.
27. When players complain about having it rough I wish I could give them Orel Hershiser’s number.
28. College golf teams go unrecognized. Literally, no one knows who they are. Name one college golfer.
29. Sending a columnist threatening letters only gives him ammunition, an M.O., and a reason to not quit. So keep them coming.
30. I’d better get out of here before I make everybody mad.