20 Fictional Characters That the UFC's Anderson Silva Must Face

I have something to tell you if you're willing to read closely.  The fighter that you know as "The Spider" isn't human by any stretch of the imagination.  He's a robot created in a top secret lab by Dana White and the Fiertita brothers whose sole purpose is to leave you awe inspired so you'll fork over your hard earned cash without the slightest hesitation.  In other words, Anderson Silva is a pyramid scheme personified and we're all suckers for buying into it.

Don't believe me?  Dana White touted Yushin Okami as the best Japanese fighter on the face of the planet.  He told us that Okami is a fighter who very well could untangle Silva's web of dominance. Within the blink of an eye, White’s robot took down the Japanese fighter known as "Thunder." It was a cruel reminder for Okami that at 36 years of age, Silva can still teach you how to say adios, arrivaderci, and sayanora faster than a Rosetta Stone wet dream. 

If there was thunder that night it sure as hell didn't come from Yushin Okami. Once again a world class mixed martial artist was made to look like a fool at the hands of a fighter who may have tapped into something that only Bruce Lee was privy to.  "I asked myself, 'Where was this so called thunder?"

That's when it dawned on me that the thunder was the sound of Okami's back hitting the canvas as a sold out Brazilian crowd erupted into a fever pitch. The result couldn't have been more disastrous for Okami if Silva asked him to commit seppuku (a form of Japanese suicide by disemboweling oneself) in front of a live audience.  

After the fight, MMA's talking heads took to the airwaves in an attempt to put into words the brilliance they just witnessed at Okami's expense.  Soon the names of Jon "Bones" Jones and Georges St-Pierre were thrown about like exhausted clichés.  After what transpired in Rio, how can anyone possibly believe that Anderson Silva can be beaten by mere mortals?

Eventually the radio show I was listening to was drowned out by the sound of a cash register and the maniacal laughter of Dana White.  His pyramid scheme was a well oiled machine.  We were suckered into believing that Yushin had a fighting chance.  We went all in and our proverbial wallets were set ablaze for it.

Do mark my words when I say that no man on Earth can defeat Anderson Silva.  Jon Jones can't beat him nor can Georges St-Pierre.  Unless an opponent discovers a way to reverse engineer him, he won’t be beaten by anyone short of a superhero.  Our money is being sucked into a vortex of predictability and monotony.  The ending has been the same for 14 straight fights.  Anderson Silva KO’s a fighter, wishes him so long and farewell, and then starts dancing like he’s starring in the sequel to The Sound of Music.  I’m expecting a little more from Dana White the next time around. 

I want to see Silva vs the Predator.  I don’t care if M-1 Global represents the interstellar extraterrestrial.  Just get him in the Octagon against Anderson Silva.  If co-promotion is a sticking point, here are 19 other fictional fighters that may give “The Spider” a run for our pay-per-view money.

Silva vs Predator

Born  The Predator

Other Names Yautja and Hish

Residence  Val Verde

Nationality  Unknown

Height 7 ft

Weight 289 lb

Division Heavyweight

Reach 84 1/2

Style Big game hunting, Bando

Stance Orthodox

Fighting out of Hollywood, California

Team Unknown

Years active 1987-Present

Professional Record 10,000-2

Notable Wins Dinosaurs, Mammals, Gary Busey, Bill Paxton, Aliens, Jesse Ventura

Notable Losses Danny Glover, Arnold Schwarzenegger

Perhaps the most intriguing matchup for Anderson Silva is the Predator.  Several sticking points may prevent this match from happening.  The Predator is managed by M-1 Global and won't fight in the UFC unless Dana White agrees to co-promotion.  Anderson Silva wants the match to take place in Brazil.  Although a fan of South America, the Predator wants a co-promoted match in space with David Bowie as a special guest referee. 

What a win means for Anderson Silva Respect from the Predator and a flintlock rifle from the 17th century

What a win means for Predator  Anderson Silva's skull in a trophy case

Pancakes Martial Artist from Cabin Fever

Born  Pancakes 

Other Names Flap Jacks

Residence  Cabin in the woods

Nationality  American

Height 4 ft 5 in

Weight 74 lbs

Division Super Featherweight

Reach 26

Style Ninjutsu

Stance South Paw

Fighting out of Hollywood, California

Team IHOP

Years active 2002-Present

Professional Record 6-0

Notable Wins Invisible Ninjas

Notable Losses None on record

Revered around the world as the kid in Cabin Fever whose battle cry is an ode to the famous flapjack.  He shot to mixed martial arts stardom when he single-handedly defeated a rogue faction of invisible ninjas.   

What a win means for Anderson Silva Exposes Pancakes as a tomato can who never fought a formidable opponent.

What a win means for Pancakes  A sponsorship from Aunt Jemima and Log Cabin

Neo: The Matrix

Born  Thomas A. Anderson

Other Names The One, Neo, The Anomaly, Mr. Anderson

Residence Lower Downtown, Capital City, USA

Nationality  American

Height 6'1

Weight 186 lbs

Division Middleweight

Reach 74

Style Jiu-Jitsu

Stance Orthodox

Fighting out of Zion

Team Morpheus MMA

Years active 1999-Present

Professional Record 30-2

Notable Wins The Machines, Agent Smith, The Twins, Sinister Agents, Merovingian, Vampires

Notable Losses Agent Smith, Bane

Neo shot to MMA superstardom when he began studying Jiu-Jitsu under the tutelage of Morpheus.  Talks of a super fight between Anderson Silva and Neo are heating up for the UFC's debut on Fox although there's no word from either fighter's camp.  Neo is Empire Magazine's 16th greatest movie hero of all time going up against the UFC's number one mixed martial artist of all time.

What a win means for Anderson Silva Labeled the GOAT (greatest of all time) and "The New One"

What a win means for Neo He’s already "The One"  Nothing to gain/Everything to Lose

Spiderman

Born  Peter Parker

Other Names Spiderman, Spidey, The Amazing Spiderman, The Spectacular Spiderman

Residence New York, New York

Nationality  American

Height 5'10

Weight 165 lbs

Division Welterweight

Reach 72 1/2

Style Spidey Sense

Stance Orthodox

Fighting out of Forrest Hills, New York

Team The Avengers

Years active 1962-Present

Professional Record Unknwon

Notable Wins Doctor Octopus, Morbius, Green Goblin, Hobgoblin, Sandman, Vultureman, Bonesaw

Notable Losses Green Goblin

Spiderman first appeared in the cage as the Amazing Spiderman against Bonesaw.  A fight against Anderson "The Spider" Silva is not only a battle for bragging rights but for web slinging superiority.  The winner will determine who the real spider is.

What a win means for Anderson Silva Bragging rights as the world's most deadly spider and a romantic relationship with Mary Jane Watson.

What a win means for Spiderman Bragging rights as the one and only Spiderman and a red hot romance with Mary Jane Watson.

Ash from the Army of Darkness

Born  Ashley J. Williams

Other Names  Ash

Residence  Royal Oak, Michigan

Nationality American

Height 6'4

Weight 250

Division Heavyweight

Reach Right arm with chainsaw attached 90

Style Hand-to-hand combat with chainsaw and/or boomstick

Stance Orthodox

Fighting out of Housewares S-Mart

Team The Army of Darkness

Years active 1981-present

Professional record 18-0

Notable wins Evil Ash, The Army of Darkness, Deadite Ash, Zombies, Bad Ash, She Bitch

Notable losses None on record

A super fight that's rumored to take place in the 1600's pits Ash J. Williams against Anderson Silva.  Ash is armed with a 12 gauge, double barreled Remington (S-Marts top of the line) and a chainsaw firmly attached to his hand by a hose clamp.  He's skilled in hand-to-hand combat as he has battled witches, zombies, and an elite army of the undead.  Although he's never gone up against a giant spider he more than welcomes the challenge.

What a win means for Anderson Silva Two things-Jack and ____________ and Jack left town.

What a win means for Ash A promotion at S-MART

Freddy Krueger

Born Freddy Krueger

Other names Fred

Residence Elm Street

Nationality American

Height  5'8

Weight 155

Division Lightweight

Reach 70

Style Slash and grab

Stance Southpaw

Fighting out of The Boiler Room

Team Dream Masters MMA

Years active 1984-present

Professional Record 36-4

Notable Wins Children of Elm Street, Jason Voorhees

Notable Losses Nancy Thompson, & 3 other women 

A fight between Freddy Krueger and Anderson Silva has the fight of the night honors written all over it.  Forrest Griffin, Vitor Belfort, James Irvin, Rich Franklin, and Chris Leben will guest star as victims that Silva has KO'd.  Once put to sleep by Silva, they will retrieve Freddy and bring him back to reality where he will go head to head with the Spider.

What a win means for Anderson Silva Sleep

What a win means for Freddy Anderson Silva's Muay Thai skills paired with his razor glove could make for an even deadlier combination.

Patrick Bateman: American Psycho



Born Patrick Bateman

Other names The American Psycho, The Boy Next Door, Marcus Halberstram, Paul Allen

Residence 55 West 81st Street, Upper West Side in the American Gardens Building

Nationality American

Height  6'0

Weight 189

Division Light Heavyweight

Reach 74 1/2

Style Murders and Executions

Stance Orthodox

Fighting out of Hells Kitchen

Team Pierce and Pierce

Years active 1987-present

Professional Record 40-0

Notable Wins Homeless man Al, Paul Allen,prostitutes, innocent men, girls in uptown apartment, 5-10 homeless people, NYU girl, Bethany

Notable Losses Marcus Halberstram (business card fight) Paul Allen (Dorsia)

Patrick Bateman is preparing for a fight with Anderson Silva with a rigorous exercise program.  The program includes a balanced diet, a deep pore cleansing lotion on the face with a water activated gel cleanser, a honey almond body scrub, and an exfoliating gel scrub.  A herb-mint facial masque is then applied to the face for ten minutes.  Bateman can do 1,000 crunches now and says he's ready to take the Spider's spleen. 

What a win means for Anderson Silva Escapes with his head intact

What a win means for Patrick Bateman An after party at Dorsia and Silva's head in the refrigerator. 

Silva vs Aliens

Born Alien

Other names None on record

Residence Nostromo space freighter

Nationality extraterrestrial

Height  6'8

Weight 125

Division flyweight

Reach 93 (Tail)

Style face hugger

Stance Southpaw

Fighting out of Space

Team Stan Winston Special Effects

Years active 1986-present

Professional Record 28-27

Notable Wins Marines, Ellen Ripley, Predators

Notable Losses Predators, Ellen Ripley, Marines

Although not as exciting as Silva vs Predator, this may be the first UFC fight available in 3D.

What a win means for Anderson Silva Dethrones Ellen Ripley as the definitive alien slayer

What a win means for Aliens Silva giving birth to a chest buster

The God Damn Batman

Born Bruce Wayne

Other names The Dark Knight, Bats, Batsie, Grey, Mordecai Wayne, The Insider, The Dork Knight

Residence Gotham City

Nationality American

Height  6'2

Weight 210 lb

Division Heavyweight

Reach 74

Style Ninjutsu, theatricality

Stance Orthodox, Southpaw

Fighting out of The Batcave

Team Justice League America

Years active 1939-present

Professional Record 40-2

Notable Wins Bane, Mr. Freeze, The Penguin, Joker, Killer Croc, Victor Zsasz, Azrael, Catwoman, Poison Ivy, The Riddler, Scarecrow, Two Face, Superman, Black Mask, Calendar Man, Clayface, Deadshot, Man-Bat, Harley Quinn, Dr. Hugo Strange, Hush, The Mad Hatter, Ra's al Ghul, Red Hood, The League of Shadows 

Notable Losses Bane, Darkseid

A fight that matches up ninjutsu vs Jiu-jitsu.The God Damn Batman bathes in vengeance and has been spotted multiple times in the bat boat going full throttle in manatee zones. Bats eat spiders which isn't so good for Anderson Silva. 

What a win means for Anderson Silva The ability to add a victory over America's greatest superhero to his resume.  Silva would escape being Batmmaned (Verb) To be set upon with terrifying force before you know what the hell hit you. "I just got Batmanned and can't feel my legs."-From the God Damn Batman's Twitter Feed

What a win means for Batman A rendezvous with Arianny Celeste.  He will date her solely based on her looks before he leaves her for Catwoman.  A win also means that Anderson Silva will be appointed the new Robin.

Llyod Christmas: Dumb and Dumber

Born Lloyd Christmas

Other names Dumb, Samsonite

Residence Providence, Rhode Island

Nationality American

Height  6'2

Weight 155

Division Lightweight

Reach 72

Style Mortal Kombat

Stance Orthodox

Fighting out of Shaggin Wagon 

Team I got Worms

Years active 1994-Present 

Professional Record 6-2 

Notable Wins Harry Dunn, Gas Man, Sea Bass, Motorcycle Cop, Nicholas Andre, Chef at Restaurant

Notable Losses Harry Dunn, his job

Lloyd Chirstmas shot to superstardom when he showcased his MMA savvy by winning a one round fight against a mystery chef.  He shocked the world when he ripped the chef's heart out before handing it to him in a doggie bag. 

What a win means for Anderson Silva Not labeled as "one pathetic loser" by Mr. Christmas and a six figure payday in the form of "I Owe You's"

What a win means for Lloyd Christmas  Can't and won't happen--The chances are 1 in a million.

Chucky

Born Charles Lee Ray

Other names Chucky, Good Guy, The Lake Shore Strangler, Jon Gruden

Residence Lake Shore 

Nationality American

Height  26 inches

Weight Less than a lb

Division Must be this tall to fight

Reach N/A

Style Knife fighting

Stance Orthodox

Fighting out of The Good Guy factory

Team Golden Glory

Years active 1988-present

Professional Record 19-1

Notable Wins Countless victims, Eddie, Aunt Maggie

Notable Losses Andy

A fight between Chucky and Anderson Silva has been in the works since 2006.  Due to Chucky's inability to make weight, Jon Gruden of Monday Night Football Fame will be on call to fight Silva if a deal is ever worked out.

What a win means for Anderson Silva A bruised and battered Good Guy Doll for his kids

What a win means for Chucky The Good Guy won 

Vampire Arlovski

Born Count Arlovski

Other names Glass Joe

Residence Belarus

Nationality Belarusian

Height  6 ft 4in

Weight 241

Division Heavyweight

Reach 77 in

Style Sambo

Stance Orthodox

Fighting out of Dracula's Castle

Team Jackson's Submission Fighting

Years active 1431-present

Professional Record Unknown

Notable Wins werewolves, Snuffelupagus(rumored), Van Helsing

Notable Losses Buffy the Vampire Slayer 

Vampire Arlovski came out of the coffin early in the 1400's.  He has defeated the likes of werewolves, witches, and recently Snuffelupagus.  He is a worthy opponent for Anderson Silva despite the shortcomings of his bearded twin.  Rumor has it that the real Andrei Arlovski was kidnapped by aliens and replaced with bearded Arlovski.  The aliens created a robot Arlovski and fitted him with a synthetic beard which hides a reset button. The list of people who know of  bearded Arlovski's reset button are Fedor Emelianenko, Brett Rogers, Sergei Kharitonov, and the Associated Press.

What a win means for Anderson Silva An opportunity to slay Edward Cullen during halftime at the Lingerie Bowl.

What a win means for Andrei Arlovski Some credibility to his MMA record that the bearded Arlovski single-handedly destroyed over night. 

Master Splinter: Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles

Born Splinter

Other names Master Splinter, Sensei, Father

Residence Sewers of New York City

Nationality American

Height  5 '3

Weight 120

Division None

Reach 62

Style Muay Thai, Ninjutsu, Jiu-Jitsu, Taekwondo, Tai-Chi

Stance Southpaw

Fighting out of New York, NY

Team Foot Clan MMA

Years active 1984-present

Professional Record Unknown

Notable Wins Shredder, Battle of Nexus Champion

Notable Losses His only child to the Orkin man

Silva has turned down a fight with Master Splinter expressing fears that Splinter may be carrying Bubonic Plague.  Splinter was banned from MMA when he tested positive for excessive amounts of an illegal performance enhancer known as Mutagen.

What a win means for Anderson Silva Salmonella or rabies

What a win means for Master Splinter A dream matchup with the Karate Kat or a fight with Alistair Overeem who he believes may or may not be Super Shredder.

Star Wars Kid

Born Star Wars Kid

Other names Drunken Jedi

Residence Trois-Rivieres, Quebec, Canada

Nationality Canadian

Height  5 '6

Weight 205 lb

Division Light Heavyweight

Reach 60

Style Charades

Stance Southpaw

Fighting out of High School

Team Drunken Jedi

Years active 2002-present

Professional Record 10-0

Notable Wins Invisible Sith

Notable Losses None

Star Wars kid battled invisible droids and Sith in a fight to the death in 2002.  Armed with only a golf ball retriever he caught the attention of Anderson Silva who also happens to be a highly skilled Jedi.

What a win means for Anderson Silva Nothing at all--Starwars Kid has fought cans and is rumored to be fighting the Pancakes martial artist from Cabin Fever in ProElite on New Years day.

What a win means for Star Wars Kid May get his man-card reinstated and a girlfriend.

Darth Vader

Born Anakin Skywalker

Other names Darth Vader, Lord Vader

Residence Tatooine

Nationality Tattoinian

Height 6'7

Weight 250 lb

Division Heavyweight

Reach 84

Style The Dark Side

Stance Orthodox

Fighting out of Death Star

Team Sith

Years active 1977-present

Professional Record 200-1

Notable Wins Obi-Wan Kenobi, Darth Sidious, Various Jedi

Notable Losses Luke Skywalker

Darth Vader is what awaits Anderson Silva should he defeat Star Wars Kid.  Silva is no stranger to the dark side as he trains at Black House MMA.  Vader has accused Silva of being a regenerated form of Mace Windu although there isn't substantial evidence to support this claim.

What a win means for Anderson Silva A ticker tape parade around Tattoine in a Sith Speeder, free drinks at the Mos Eisley Cantina and special guest referee honors at Zuluzinho vs Jabba The Hut.

What a win means for Darth Vader Carrie Fisher in a metal bikini.  Are you as grossed out as I am?  It's all relative aboard the Death Star.

Bane

Born Bane

Other names The Man Who Broke the Bat

Residence Carribean Republic of Santa Prisca

Nationality South American

Height  6'6

Weight 265 lb

Division Heavyweight

Reach 82

Style Ninjutsu, prison fighting, knife fighting, wrestling

Stance Southpaw

Fighting out of Gotham City

Team League of Shadows in affiliation with Trogg, The Zombies, and The Birds

Years active 1993-present

Professional Record 52-2

Notable Wins Batman, Red Robin, The Penguin, Azrael, Bat Girl

Notable Losses Batman, Azrael

Bane was rumored to be fighting in the Strikeforce Heavyweight tournament until he had a falling out with Strikeforce CEO Scott Coker.  It is widely speculated that Coker caught a doctor administering an illegal supplement known as Venom into Bane before his fight with Batman.  Bane was then suspended by the Nevada State Athletic Commission on suspicion of using performance enhancing drugs.  In an exclusive interview with 20/20 Bane revealed that the venom was given to him by Jose Canseco.

What a win means for Anderson Silva The ability to walk upright

What a win means for Bane A clean drug test and a fight with Hong Man Choi, Killer Croc, Tonya Harding, or Brock Lesnar

Ivan Drago

Born Ivan Drago

Other names The Russian Express, The Siberian Bull, Death From Above

Residence Siberia, Russia

Nationality Russia

Height  6'5

Weight 261 lb

Division Heavyweight

Reach 78

Style Boxing

Stance Orthodox

Fighting out of the Soviet Union

Team Red Devil

League Red Army

Years active 1985-present

Professional Record 31-1

Notable Wins Apollo Creed, Various Boxers

Notable Losses Rocky Balboa

Ivan Drago vs Anderson Silva might look like Randy Couture vs James Toney.

What a win means for Anderson Silva Not a whole hell of a lot since Rocky already turned Drago's brains into soup.

What a win means for Drago No Anderson Silva dance moves.  Apollo Creed cut a rug and it cost him his life.

Lord Voldemort

Born Tom Marvolo Riddle

Other names Lord Voldemort, No Nose Malone

Residence Stalking the corridors of Hogwarts

Nationality Wizard

Height  6 ft

Weight 165 lb

Division Welterweight

Reach 73 1/2

Style Black Magic, Wizardry

Stance Orthodox

Fighting out of parts unknown

Team Alone and friendless abandoned by his followers

League Slytherin

Years active 1997-present

Professional Record 82-1

Notable Wins Various non-pureblood wizards, Harry Potter's parents

Notable Losses Harry Potter

It's pretty hard to intimidate Anderson "The Spider Silva" but having no nose or ears might do the trick.  Voldemort may be a more imposing figure if he drops his sponsor Scholastic, and stops bullying around prepubescent boys and girls.  He was once put in a room with a chimpanzee and came out minus his face.  But that's okay because he also walked out wearing a fur coat.

 What a win means for Anderson Silva An invitation to play Quidditch with Christine O'Donnell

What a win means for Lord Voldemort A fight with Gandalf slated for UFC Live 10

Neptune: from the Hit Series Mermanic

Born Neptune

Other names God of the Sea, Poseidon, Earth Shaker, Onnod Xela

Residence Atlantis

Nationality Merman

Height 46 ft

Weight Unknown

Division Super Duper Heavyweight

Reach Infinity

Style Tsunami, Earthquake, Whirlpools

Stance Southpaw

Fighting out of Discovery Cove

Team  Gorton's fisherman

League 10,000 Leagues Under The Sea MMA

Years active 1500-present

Professional Record Unknown

Notable Wins Titanic, The Vampire, The Andrea Doria, The Carpathia, The Mary Rose, The Sultana

Notable Losses Exxon Valdez, Gulf Oil Spill

In the hit television series Mermanic, Neptune was the undisputed champion of the seas. He was presented with the Conch of Champions during his victory over Aquaman at the Enchantment Under the Sea Championships in 2006.  He is believed to be responsible for the sinking of the lost city of Atlantis.  Neptune's power has been felt in the form of tsunamis and whirl pools.  The only way this fight comes to fruition is if Anderson Silva is fitted for a skin tight merman suit. 

What a win means for Anderson Silva Beer battered flounder and an acting gig in Mermanic The Movie.

What a win means for Neptune An exclusive interview with Alex Donno on Fighter's Fury.

The Karate Kid

Born Daniele Larusso

Other names The Karate Kid

Residence Hollywood, California

Nationality American

Height  5'7

Weight 145

Division featherweight

Reach 70

Style Karate

Stance Orthodox

Fighting out of Sedona, Arizona

Team Miyagi-Do-Karate

League YMCA

Years active 1984-present

Professional Record 9-4

Notable Wins Johnny

Notable Losses Chuck Norris's beard, Johnny

Larusso's only game plan going into a fight with Anderson Silva is for him to "sweep the knee."  Larusso has recently changed his name to Lyoto "the Dragon" Machida.  You can find him fighting in the UFC and coincidentally sparring with Anderson Silva.

 What a win means for Anderson Silva  The loss of a friend if Lyoto defects to a new camp.

What a win means for Larusso A rekindled romance with Elizabeth Shue while listening to Ace of Base's remake of Cruel Summer.