Top 5 Things Carlos Zambrano Can Do During His 30-Day Suspension

Chicago Cubs starting pitcher Carlos Zambrano is going to have a little extra free time on his hands. Thirty days worth to be exact. 

That’s assuming that MLB allows the Cubs month-long suspension of their self-indulgent starting pitcher to stand. 

So what should Big Z turned Big P do while he’s away from his team?  He could work on his pitching mechanics or maybe undergo some type of mental training. 

Nah, that would make to much sense.

5. Try Ultimate Fighting

UFC is always looking for more 6’5”, 270 lbs. guys who want to punch people, and Zambrano has shown in the past that he’s not afraid to mix it up.   

Whether Zambrano’s game can transfer from the dugout to the octagon remains to be seen, but if he ever has to face a Gatorade machine, well, they had better get the paramedics ready.

4. Practice Throwing at Batters

Maybe Adam Sandler would volunteer to stand in for Zambrano, who obviously needs some practice in how to hit a batter. 

Lesson one: throw a fastball.

Lesson two: hit the batter. 

OK, that might not take 30 days.

3. Practice Drinking Water

It’s a novel concept, but most professional athletes drink water during games.  By most, I mean every single one except Carlos Zambrano.  How many times have we heard “Zambrano left the game in the fifth inning due to cramps”? 

Maybe Zambrano and the guy from Airplane! with the drinking problem could work on it together.

2. Make Deodorant Commericals

I’m sure that hundreds of deodorant companies have already contacted Zambrano, all hoping that they will be the one to get the pitcher to appear in their new commercial. 

In the commercial, Zambrano would deliver one line, “We stinks.”

Then Big Z would throw a stick of [insert brand name] deodorant at the Cubs, and they would magically smell better!  Who wouldn’t buy that deodorant if it could make the Cubs better? 

To this day, I still use Speed Stick 24/7 because of an old Alex Rodriguez commercial that wasn’t even that good, and I don’t even like A-Rod.

1. Hang Out With Brett Favre

If anyone knows anything about retiring and then unretiring, it’s Brett Favre. 

Yes, it only took Zambrano about two hours to reconsider, but that was probably about the amount of time it took him to realize that he wasn’t going to get the week-long retirement that Farve did. 

Favre and Zambrano could swap retirement stories, share a laugh, and then maybe Favre could show Big Z how to throw the ball right at a member of the other team.