WWE Summerslam Recap: Summerslam the 'Movie' Review

 WWE Summerslam: The Movie (2011)

Starring: CM Punk, John Cena, Triple H, Randy Orton, Christian, Sheamus, Mark Henry, Kelly Kelly & Introducing Kevin Nash and Stephanie McMahon.

Directed by: Vince McMahon or who the hell knows anymore...

John Cena and Cm Punk return again after their critically acclaimed performance in "Money in the Bank" and once again take center stage as the two continue their quest for the WWE Championship. This time around both men have become WWE Champion, and this next encounter will decide the undisputed champion... the drama and stage were set, but did it deliver?

Also featured was the highly unlikeable, whiny, and despicable character Christian as he defended his World Heavyweight Championship against the heavy favorite in Randy Orton in a no holds barred match.

(que Cee Lo Green's theme song to Summerslam)

...or just say "It's alright" 100 times... I actually like this song, but I feel like I could have done two shots of Nyquil and wrote this song before I fell asleep.

The crowd packed the Staples Center in L.A. for what was sure to be an amazing night. Celebrities, fans, and the media were all in attendance. The curtain rose, and the show began.

Far, far away from the glitz and glamor of the "City of Angels," I sat down on my couch within the cozy confines of my apartment tucked away in the safe haven known as New Hampshire. I prepared my "pay-per-view meal," which always consists of a steak (medium rare), potatoes, and a salad and prepared to see where the WWE was going to take our ever evolving journey next.

Act I

The night began with an impromptu six-man tag team match between team "good guys" (Kofi Kingston, Rey Mysterio, and John Morrison) against team "bad guys" (The Miz, Alberto Del Rio, and R-truth). I had a problem with this match from the very beginning straight til the final outcome... just based off of principal. Let me break it down like this...

If this was a movie we would've had team "good guys" (Ryan Reynolds, Seth Rogen, and Ashton Kutcher) against team "bad guys" (Mel Gibson, Russell Crowe, and Charlie Sheen).

Team "bad guys" has a combined three academy award wins, and an unstable X-factor... see where I'm going with this?

While team "good guys" consist of a bunch of flashy, over-hyped, and quite frankly overrated media darlings.

The Miz, Alberto Del Rio, and R-truth have been billed as the top guys in the company over the past year. The Miz is a former WWE Champion, Del Rio won the Royal Rumble and Money in the Bank, and R-truth isn't far removed from headlining a pay-per-view. This is how they are shown at one of the "biggest" events of the year? 

Yay, team good guys!... Let's move on before I forget wrestling is fake and no longer geared towards my generation.

The match was good, flashy, and fun, but that doesn't mean I have to buy the outcome.

Match Rating: 3 out of 5                    

Movie Equivalent: Any Transformers Movie

I'm not going to lie to you. The only thing I really want to see tonight is the second encounter between Punk and Cena. Don't get me wrong, the rest of the card is looking good, but it reminds me of when I watch any movie Stone Cold is in where the only thing I really want to see is him give the stunner to someone...which never freaking happens! At least I know Punk and Cena have to come on. 

...Two more hours to go till Punk/Cena II.

Side note: "The Condemned" would have been the perfect movie for a stunner...someone really dropped the ball there.

If there was ever a time to get up and go "do your business" I would usually recommend the Divas segment of any show, however, you would have missed out on a very entertaining match. If you saw Kelly Kelly defeating Beth Phoenix cleanly, you are simply a liar... If you want to comment about how you "totally called it" I'm gonna need some sort of documented proof. Back to the match...

A beautifully constructed roll up pin was all Kelly Kelly needed to retain her Divas championship, and I officially fell in love...

... I love Kelly Kelly! There I said it! I'm officially crushing hardcore... So Kelly, if you're out there (makes a telephone hand gesture to ear).

Match Rating: Let's be real though... 2 out of 5    

Movie Equivalent: Valentine's Day

So far Summerslam has lived up to the glitz and glamor part of L.A. We got good looking girls, celebrities, flashy entertainers, and good vibes all the way around, but where is the seedier part of L.A?

Enter stage left: Mark Henry and Sheamus.

There really isn't much to say about this match other then the WWE really wants us to view Mark Henry as a legitimate threat for the World Heavyweight Title... uh, No! That would be Sheamus. I know it's not fair to Henry, but all I see (or want to see) is him sauntering down to the ring while his titan-tron video displays a giant Hershey Bar that reads "sexual chocolate."

Sheamus continues to show why he is the Jeremy Renner of the WWE, and why one day he will be a World's champion again. Amazing action in this match, good ending, and overall a fantastic outing by these two men.

Match Rating 3.5 out of 5               

Movie Equivalent: Fast and the Furious

Quick Question: which is more awkward? Running into your girlfriends mother at the grocery store while your deciding which condoms to buy, or Cee Lo Green's performance?

All I want to say is this... about that: Where are the dancers? No pyrotechnics? Is the DJ asleep? Why wasn't this done to open the show? Does the crowd even know who this guy is? What in the blue hell is he wearing? When did Aretha Franklin become a man? Did the Divas have to agree to do this? Why is he performing another song?... What the hell was that all about?

... at least we are only an hour or so away from Punk/Cena II. Hey, is it just me or does HHH (in the Summerslam picture promoting the match) look like someone who just ate a heavy lunch and is instantly regretting it? Sorry I digress...

Side Note: I wrote an article where I used the phrase "I digress" once, and someone (please raise your hand) said they hated that phrase because they always thought the writer was trying to sound smarter then they really are. He also mentioned that he always heard it in a British accent... I like that logic, and I am officially proclaiming that whenever someone uses the phrase "I digress" it must be said in a British accent.

This ends our midcard (opening acts) portion of Summerslam. I know I left out Daniel Bryan and Wade Barrett, but If I have learned anything here at the Bleacher Report it is to never say anything remotely opinionated or negative about CM Punk and/or Daniel Bryan... I will leave it at that. 

Act II

I love the Orton and Christian feud. I feel as though the WWE has done everything right (yes, that includes Christian dropping the title quickly to Orton) when it comes to building this feud. I really have the feeling that these two guys just can't stand each other, which is perfect for the scripted reality known as professional wrestling. I've been on record of saying that their latest encounter would be their greatest one yet... and I was right! (patting myself on the back).

Orton and Christian brought the mother loving house down on Sunday, and if it wasn't for CM Punk, John Cena, and the returning HHH, this would have been all you needed to see for your money's worth. I knew that the WWE knew what they were doing when I looked down at the clock and realized that we had two matches left with an hour to spare... good times were ahead.

If I had to compare Orton and Christian to a movie franchise, I would have to realistically compare them to the Harry Potter franchise...

IWC: The What?? I'm sorry, I thought I heard you compare the Orton and Christian feud to the Harry Potter franchise... I'm a man! I don't watch wizards and magic... that stuff is so fake!

Hear me out...

With each encounter, match, promo, and pay-per-view the quality and edginess of the feud has intensified. We went from two faces with respect for one another, to a bitter heel who felt "cheated", to a kick in the ----, and now a no holds barred match to end it all... We basically went from "PG" to "PG-13".... If you have a better analogy by all means share it with the world, or at least the comment section.

Side note: I am pushing the boundaries of article length...

The Article's Movie Equivalent (as of now): The Deer Hunter

When Orton's beady little eyes peered over the steel steps and proceeded to RKO Christian onto said steel steps, I felt the fresh taste of the "attitude era" in my mouth. This was easily in the top five of matches we will see all year. 

Match Rating: 5 out of 5

Movie Equivalent: Goodfellas

Act III

I've laughed, I've cried, I've cheered, and I've booed... the WWE has done a splendid job of creating the perfect balance between face and heel wins, as well as delivering entertaining matches, and we haven't even reached the main attraction. the creme de la creme, the most highly anticipated sequel since Rock/Austin at Wrestemania 17 (not fact, opinion... I feel like I have to say that).

We have finally come to Punk/Cena II!

It is my personal opinion that no sequel can ever be as good as the original. However, there are exceptions. The Godfather Part: II, and Empire Strikes Back are the rare examples of a story delving deeper into its characters emotions while widening the scope of the setting and bringing deeper conflict to the main story.

While the match had absolutely no chance in replicating the magic that was concocted in Chicago, I was left impressed and satisfied at its ending. The match was given the good ole "slow build" and the two worked it to near perfection. I was thoroughly surprised and saddened to see HHH call the match right down the middle, but the WWE had bigger things in the work. Just like a Tarantino movie, the audience had no idea where they were going until the very end, and even then there were more questions then answers. 

I really didn't like the "foot on the rope" ending and was about to call it the biggest cop out and joke ever performed by the WWE until it went and completely redeemed itself all within a matter of minutes.

The newly crowned "Undisputed Champion" CM Punk was introduced to another wrinkle in the McMahon/HHH power struggle: Kevin Nash.

With a powerbomb, the crowd in L.A. exploded, and with the arrival of Alberto Del Rio and his shiny red briefcase, it's eyes widened. Destiny had arrived, and there was nothing anybody could do about it. CM Punk wouldn't escape this time, and Del Rio was your new champion.

Match Rating: 4 out of 5

Movie Equivalent: Pulp Fiction

Overall Summerslam Rating: 4 out 5

As Summerslam wrapped up, I was left with the taste of wanting more. WWE had done its job. It had delivered after they seemingly set the bar to high the month before. Was it better then Money in the Bank? No... but it was certainly better then Wrestlemania.

WWE Summerslam: The Movie was a critical success, but was it a box office success? Only time will tell. 

Article's Final Movie Equivalent: Godfather Part: II