WWE SummerSlam 2011: Gullo's Guide to SummerSlam

Ladies and gentlemen, boys and girls, and children of all ages welcome to the second addition of Gullo's Guide.

These slideshows will be a no holds barred, scathing, often condescending, fresh take, but always scintillating look into the products that are the foundation of the WWE.

Each and every month I will submit a new guide to the upcoming pay-per-view of the month. This month we have the hotly anticipated SummerSlam.

In The tale of two titles we have CM Punk defending his WWE Championship against... Current WWE Champion John Cena? What? If you haven't been following along the past month it seems confusing, but all you need to know is this...

... It's the greatest thing to happen to the WWE since Kurt Angle rolled up in a Milk truck, Michael Cole spilled his precious Diet Coke, and Brock Lesnar suplexed the Big Show through the ring.

Oh! And a returning HHH, as the newly anointed "COO,"  is the special guest referee... Dear Diary, Jackpot!

We get round five of the greatest feud going in the WWE; Christina... sorry Christian (It's amazing what switching one letter does to that name) Vs. Randy Orton in a no holds barred match for the World Heavyweight Championship.

Kelly Kelly defends her beloved Divas Championship against Beth Phoenix.

Mark Henry vs. Sheamus...

... and that's it? Four matches?

Oh Wait! and a special performance by Cee Lo "Forget You" Green!!

So without further ado here are five things you'll need to know about SummerSlam.

1. Beth Phoenix Will Win the Divas Championship...

... And then proceed to snap the belt in two.

Here are a couple of words and thoughts that come to mind when I look at the Divas Championship:

Ridiculous, condescending, stereotypical, unflattering, humiliating, a butterfly? We really went there? a bad joke...etc.

Will Beth Phoenix win cleanly? I sure hope so, but not likely. I'd venture a guess to say Natalya has something to do with the outcome of this match. Not to mention the fact that Kelly Kelly is the equivalent to John Cena and her losing or losing cleanly isn't going to happen anytime soon.

... (scratching head) Upon further review of this match I have decided to change my answer; Please now disregard the title of this slide.

Winner and still WWE Divas Champion: Kelly Kelly...

Nope, wait! That still doesn't sound right. Is Alberto Del Rio allowed to cash in his Money in the Bank contract on the Divas title? He certainty is one, and that would be a shocker, and hilarious. That won't happen so we'll move on from that.

Beth Phoenix is a much better wrestler, and in a real fight Kelly Kelly wouldn't stand a chance, but since when has that mattered in the WWE? That's why we love it.

... OK I'm officially going with Beth Phoenix, but I expect to see a couple of Divas get involved before she gains the victory. There, that's better. Moving on!  

2. Christian Will Retain the World Heavyweight Championship

Christian vs. Randy Orton has been a treat to watch, and this latest installment will push its boundaries to the limit. The World Heavyweight title match has the ability, star power, excitement, and testicular fortitude to steal the show tonight... It won't, but it's a nice alternative to the obvious main attraction.

With this being the 4th pay-per-view in a row that these two will meet for the World Heavyweight Championship this match will be the best. We will, for approximately 30 minutes, get to see these two give it their all in what is sure to be one of the top ten matches we see this year. A no holds barred match is the perfect ending to a storied rivalry.

Orton, since his infamous DQ at Money in the Bank, has lost his mind. He is a man possessed only by his will to unleash all of his rage, vengeance, malice, and hate on Christian. I see Christian surviving this, and then introducing his X-factor...

...Who or what is it? We will find out at SummerSlam, but it will turn the tables in this match allowing Christian to walk out of L.A. still your World Heavyweight Champion.

Orton doesn't need the title to be relevant at the moment; Christian, however, does.

Side note: here are the official odds on one of these two going through the Spanish Announcement table.

Odds... 1:1       

3. WWE Will Regret Only Booking 5 Matches

WWE for all its beauty, wonderment, poetry, suspense, and spectacle eventually succumbs to being human and does some pretty dumb things from time to time. 

I'm not talking dumb like stealing your fathers car, hitting a tree, trying to fix the car with hot glue and masking tape only to realize that your mom is coming home in 15 minutes. I'm talking dumb like when, in a moment of desperation, you make it look like you hit the car with your bike by going HHH with a sledgehammer on your bike, and having your friend hit you with a chair repeatedly to make it look like you were in a bike accident involving said car...

That's dumb!

WWE only booking five matches for one of their "biggest" events of the year is also dumb.

Is it because they would rather give the needed time to its top attractions making them the best matches they could be?

Do they not want to commit to lesser mid-card matches that would just water-down the event?

Let's take a look at some of the talent left off the card as of this moment (in no particular order):

Alberto Del Rio, The Miz, Kofi Kingston, Cody Rhodes, Rey Mysterio, R-Truth, John Morrison, Dolph Ziggler, and Alex Riley. All of these names have been marketed over the past year as the biggest names in the company... and none of them are set to appear tonight. How is that good for business?

Is the tale of two titles match really that special that no other talent is needed to advertise the card? You better believe it is, but I highly doubt that some of these names won't show up. The Miz has already promised to make an impact, and I doubt that Alberto Del Rio will not make his presence known. 

I'll schedule Riley and Ziggler in now for a "Battle for America Match," with a Ziggler victory.  

SummerSlam is going to be a sight to behold when everything is said and done, but WWE should use this as an example of how not to book a pay-per-view.

Will WWE get away with it tonight? Absolutely.

Will they always get away with it? Absolutely not.    

4. Sheamus Will Be the Brick Wall That Mark Henry Runs into

I really don't have a lot to say about this match...

...I mean, I could type a couple of filler paragraphs that will pretty much state everything you've already read 100 times on this site, or I could just simply let my friend good ole' J.R say:

"This match is going to be an absolute slobber knocker."

5. You Created the Main Event Story

The WWE has done something beautiful and special in the past month and a half. It has seemingly allowed its fans to create its storyline for them while keeping the ending a secret.

The cries of the millions that yearned for a change in the product; Those who screamed, begged for, and wrote about a product that they had once fallen in love with to see the error of its ways and change for the better. A stale product that had seen better days, and its gravity defying plummet was all but placed at the feet of a man who many claimed as its scapegoat...John Cena.

Cena had become a larger then life "Super" hero. Who, while bringing in a larger demographic along with giving birth to a new generation of wrestling fans, had become the sole reason for its demise. Many cried for Cena's head and for a new leader to rise from the ashes carrying the banner of change... the banner of a revolution.

The WWE gave us CM Punk. 

Punk is now the "voice of the voiceless." The voice of all of us who demanded a better product, champion, focus, and direction. His number one target? John Cena and the WWE championship. 

The WWE has finally extended an olive branch to the ones it forgot about... its biggest, most jaded, and loyal fans. It has not only captured the attention of the casual fan, but has the internet (where many of its biggest fans can be found) at a fever pitch of excitement and anticipation. 

I have no doubt that Cena and Punk can replicate the magic of Money in the Bank again, and along with HHH bring magic back to the WWE.

The fact that WWE has managed to keep us in suspense and mystery for as long as they have is a huge credit on their part. I applaud their creativity, passion, and direction.

I believe, and hope that CM Punk will leave as the undisputed champion, but I have no facts to offer other then an opinion.

We may not get to write our individual ending to the story, but its special that we got invited to the table to create it.

Hopefully this is a sign of things to come.