WWE Summerslam Preview: Making Money in the Bank Hot Garbage

This weekend, Summerslam is set to surpass Money in the Bank as the top pay-per-view of the summer.

There are moments when wrestling matters—when it goes beyond entertainment, beyond being "just another show on TV." There are moments when professional wrestling transcends everything around it, and feels real.

We were all witnesses to such a moment on July 17th, 2011. It was on this night we witnessed two epic Money in the Bank matches. It was a night when "the little boy who could" Daniel Bryan claimed ownership to a shiny blue briefcase that held his golden ticket to the grandest stage of them all—Wrestlemania. And It was a night where we saw Christian and Orton put on an inspired performance of the childhood classic "The Nutcracker"

Then everything went silent, and then a chant started.

"CM Punk! CM Punk! CM Punk!"

The Hometown hero had arrived in Chicago, and would leave as WWE Champion,

That was then... Summerslam is now.

We now have two champions within the WWE—CM Punk and John Cena. Their unification match at Summerslam will, no doubt, rival their epic encounter in Chicago, but there is a new ripple in the plot. The new acting "COO" Triple H will have his hand directly in the mix as he has declared himself the referee for their bout.  He has his agenda, and we will all see it loud and clear when 11PM on Sunday roles around.

In my time watching wrestling, I have concluded that there are two kinds of matches.

One match we see all the time. A feud is built up, and the two men settle it within the confines of the ring.

The other type of match, while similar in set up, contains other elements that we as viewers are drawn to simply because of the unknown. They are the story elements of a match—elements that we as viewers know will play out throughout the course of a contest. How? that is the unknown.

There is about a 0% chance that HHH does not get involved in some way shape or form in this match. When and where? We we all have to wait for it, but it's coming, and when it does it's going to rattle the WWE Universe.

What would be truly shocking is if HHH calls the match clean and fair. My head will explode if that happens. All I want is one Pedigree, for old time's sake, and I really don't care who it's given to.

The last 45 minutes of Summerslam should equal or even surpass what we witnessed in Chicago.

Scorecard update: Summerslam 1   Money in the Bank 1

(I know what your all thinking: "Wait! Money in the Bank had two great ladder matches. That's gotta count for something??" and you're right it does count for something.)  

Scorecard update: Summerslam 1   Money in the Bank 3

Happy?

Moving on. How about them Divas? I think we can all agree that Kelly Kelly Vs. Beth Phoenix is about as good a divas match up we've seen in a while. It's nice to see that someone in WWE finally thought "Hey, you know what? This product absolutely sucks! Who was in charge of this?"

My friend summed up this division perfectly when after the divas match on Smackdown he proclaimed:

"You know, for a women's match that wasn't that bad"

Translated: "You know, this match really sucked, but I've seen suckier (and that's not even a word)"

Scorecard Update: Summerslam 2   Money in the Bank 3

Last Friday night we were all treated to something special... An Ezekiel Jackson promo, and I almost pulled a Picaso and sliced my ears off just to stop the pain. I have never been more happy to see Cody Rhodes in my life. If Summerslam is going to be the stage where Rhodes wins the IC belt from Jackson then I'm all for it.

And how the hell was Jackson even given the belt in the first place? Who thought that would bring the prestige back to it? Why is Wade Barrett not holding onto it? Why isn't Rhodes facing Barret at Summerslam? Why do I have to watch Jackson "wrestle"?

IWC: "uh, Mr. Gullo. Barrett and Rhodes can't face each other at Summerslam because they are both heels. The dichotomy of a match requires at least one face. I think you're...

Me: It Doesn't matter what you think!!

Scorecard Update: Summerslam 3    Money in the Bank 3

Let's do some Math.

"What! Math?, this is BS... I don't read to think"... My apologies, just bear with me.

Wade Barrett Vs. Daniel Bryan = 1 (I'm assuming this is going down... it's actually pretty dumb that the WWE doesn't set and build their pay-per-view card until 48 hours before one of their "biggest" events of the year)

To be fair lets make Mark Henry Vs. Big Show = 1 (It was billed as a high profile encounter, and I was actually excited for the train wreck)

But, If that's the case then Sheamus Vs. Mark Henry = 2

Reasoning: Sheamus is a beast, animal, power plant, nuclear facility, and V8 horsepower engine combined with the ability to actually perform in a high quality match (see: Orton Vs. Sheamus). I like the Big Show. I'd definitely sit down with him at a local bar, have a couple of drinks, and then stir up some trouble just to see him chokeslam someone through a table, but he's not the caliber of Sheamus.

Add it all up and it looks like this:

Scorecard update: Summerslam 6    Money in the Bank 4 

I apologize for the math segment, and if you didn't like it then you can "Say It to My Face!!" 

Alex Riley  Vs. Dolph Ziggler for the United States Championship. Yes, please!

I love me some Alex Riley, and only have one thing to say to him. "Please stay away from Cena land with the corny humor, thank you"; But I have been a Dolph Ziggler fan for longer and have this to say about him.

"If you don't like Dolph Ziggler, then you don't like America" it's as simple as that.

Scorecard Update: Summerslam 7     Money in the Bank 4

I don't remember who wrote about it, or what the article was about, but someone made a joke about Cee Lo Green performing at Summerslam. Well that joke is coming true, and I blame that person for putting that out into the WWE universe.

I'm tempted to take a point away, but I'm going to hold off judgment right now. If he performs "Forget You" then I'm officially deducting a point. However, If the stage gives out, he messes up his lip syncing, or he performs the Summerslam theme (kinda catchy actually) then I'm adding a point.

I can't make an official call on this one yet, but you know what I can make a call on?

A no holds barred match-up between Christian and Randy Orton.

With this being the 5th time, and 4th pay-per-view in a row these two have wrestled together for the World Heavyweight Title... this one will be the best.

No shoddy refereeing, no dumb rule stipulations, no more Randy Orton push down our throats. Just these two beating the hell out of each other. Sign me up!

If the show opens up with Jim Ross introducing you to our Spanish announcement team, I'll bet a C-note on either Orton or Christian going through it by the end of the match. Any takers?

Scorecard Update: Summerslam 8     Money in the Bank 5 

Well that about wraps it up...your final score is...

"Wait! What about The Miz, Alberto Del Rio, Kofi Kingston, Rey Mysterio!? For the love of god what about Sin Cara and Ted Dibiase Jr.? Tag Team Titles?

Again, It's dumb that the WWE does this seemingly all the time, but once again they have immense amount of talent prepared to lie around during a pay-per-view. I don't have the official card in front of me at the moment... partly because it doesn't exist, but I'm sure most of those names will find their way onto it.

Which means...

Final Scorecard: Summerslam 10    Money in the Bank 5