In the Web: Patriots, Brennan, Clemens, and More

I send my gratitude to you all for taking the time to read my vantage on the week that was in the world of sports. Unfortunately, I found a dearth of subject matter to make mention of this week. Nevertheless, I tried to comprise a quality piece and I hope I still manage to entertain.

—The indomitable New England Patriots (18-0) will play the upstart New York Giants (13-6) next week in Superbowl XLII at the University of Phoenix Stadium in Glendale, Arizona. The Patriots, who will justifiably enter the game as 14-point favorites, are the most despised team to make the Superbowl since the Baltimore Ravens and their acquitted murderer/linebacker, Ray Lewis, won it all against the Big Blue 34-7 in 2001.

As a dedicated New York Jets fan (Just End the Season), I thought my passion for football died sometime around Columbus Day. But my genuine loathing and utter contempt for all that is New England sports has created an air of excitement within me that I haven’t felt in athletics since Aaron Boone and the New York Yankees defeated the Boston Red Sox in seven games to win the 2003 ALCS.

There may be people in the world who will root for the Giants as passionately as I will come next Sunday evening, but nobody, and I emphasize nobody, will be rooting for the Giants with more vigor than I will be in eight days. If, and when, the Giants emerge victorious, it will be one of those truly special moments the sports world has seen since those two Carolina Panthers cheerleaders, Angela Ellen Keathley and Renee Thomas, were caught performing cunnilingus on each other in a bathroom stall at “Banana Joe’s” nightclub in Tampa, Florida.

—New England Patriots strong safety Rodney Harrison was quoted this week as saying, "It wasn't no secret. (The Giants) push, they hit late, they come at you and try to take you out. That's the way they play."

Harrison's surreal rant is a classic case of a midget calling a munchkin short. Harrison, who is clearly an English major, is a known steroid abuser and has twice been voted the NFL's dirtiest player by his peers. Harrison should heed the adage that "it's better to let people think you're an idiot than open your mouth and remove all doubt."

—The University of Hawaii's record-breaking quarterback and nearly a "sex offender with a record," Colt Brennan, 24, has severely struggled in practice while preparing for the Senior Bowl in Mobile, Alabama. Brennan's inadequate arm strength and atrocious throwing form will prohibit him from making any impact whatsoever on the next level. If I were a general manager I would avoid selecting him in April's draft like I'd steer clear of making contact with one of Heidi Fleiss' dirty thongs.

—Legendary chess player Bobby Fisher died at the age of 64 in Iceland last Thursday after a lengthy battle with kidney failure. Fisher transcended the "sport" of chess and became a cultural icon when he defeated Soviet grandmaster Boris Spassky in the midst of the Cold War. Unfortunately, instead of being remembered as the prodigy and genius that he was, he will be remembered as a delusional psychotic whose brilliance ultimately led to his bitter demise.

The sad part is not that Fisher, an anti-Semitic Jew, died. The sad part is that some people actually contend that chess is a sport. Chess is as much a sport as Rupaul is a woman and anyone who believes otherwise knows athletics like a Bin-Laden knows condoms.

—Baseball's all-time home-run king, Barry Lamar Bonds, 42, asked a federal judge to dismiss perjury charges against him on Wednesday saying that the indictment is "scattershot" and noted its "striking inartfulness." Bonds claims that investigators baffled him with their questions and that he was incapable of accurately responding to the inquiries because of his confusion.

Asked during the deposition if his notorious personal trainer, Greg Anderson, 42, had ever provided him with steroids or any other performance enhancing drug Bonds replied, "No. Not at all." Where is the potential for confusion from that exchange? It's not exactly like there was an attempt to split the atom during these proceedings and I don't think Barry Lamar has a 24th chromosome.

As the saying goes, “My what tangled webs we weave when we choose to deceive.”

—A friend of 23 years, Gary Leonardo Moreland III, called me on the phone the other day swearing that he saw a fat guy with a "third ear coming out of (his) forehead" who was "pulling a tractor with (his teeth)." I asked Gary where he was and he said he was driving on I-10 E outside of Louisiana. Gary was frazzled.

At a Jersey Shore jubilee back in the late-90s, somebody had slipped him liquid acid and he was positive that he was having a massive hallucination 10 complete years after the traumatic incident. I asked Gary to repeat what he saw and when he did it dawned on me that he wasn't loopier than Courtney Love. He was seeing the rotund disgrace of the "Lone Star State," Roger Clemens, en route to the congressional hearings on Capitol Hill in Washington.

Gary, whose knowledge regarding sports is minimal, was flabbergasted that the porky-Texan would go all the way to our nations’ capital on foot. As I explained to Gary, Clemens is renowned for his work ethic. He should be waddling into “Capital City” just in time to commit perjury on Feb. 13.

—Roy Jones Jr. (52-4), 39, outclassed Puerto Rican folk hero Felix Trinidad (42-3), 35, last Saturday night en route to winning a unanimous decision. For what I sarcastically labeled Golden Girls with Gloves, the fight was not the Del Boca Vista debacle that I predicted. Jones floored Trinidad in the seventh and 10th rounds and in the end he was simply the bigger and better man in the ring.

Kudos to Jones, who suffered consecutive brutal knockout losses in 2004, for maintaing the belief in himself to diligently train and win a marquee match in “the World’s Most Famous Arena.” Now, it’s time to call it a career, Junior.

As always, thanks for giving me a reason to write.