Charlie Weis—Return to Wounded Knee (Humor)

Reports out of South Bend are saying that the damage to Notre Dame coach Charlie Weis’ knee was much more extensive than originally believed.

His knee was injured two months ago, when an Irish player was blocked into the coach during a punt. He suffered a torn ACL, a broken femur, and other damage.

The Notre Dame football program has languished with a wounded Charlie Weis on the sideline.

Since the injury, Weis has been unable to resume his extensive weight and flexibility training. And without his example, the Notre Dame players have seen their football team fail to live up to early expectations.

In an exclusive interview with Bleacher Report, Irish quarterback Jimmy Clausen said that his practice has suffered with Weis on the sidelines.

“What am I supposed to do with Charlie laid up?” Jimmy asked. “I have nobody who can adequately run the pass patterns. Charlie was the one guy I could count on to go deep!”

With Weis on crutches, Notre Dame Football isn’t the only program that is suffering from a letdown. This injury has also made its mark on the entertainment industry. Morning television is also feeling the crunch of the coach’s collision.

Despite his daily pairing with the attractive Kelly Ripa on the set of their television show, Notre Dame alumnus Regis Philbin has even lost all desire to continue his training or take his place on the stool next to Ripa.

“Charlie was my inspiration for living,” the disappointed Philbin said. “Looking at the man’s muscular physique was the one thing that kept me going. For me, he truly was the eye of the tiger!”

Ripa told Bleacher Report, "Since Charlie's injury, Regis has become Rudy in reverse."

Father John Jenkins, president of the university, has publicly stated his anger with the coach, leading some to believe the coach’s ouster is imminent.

“I told Charlie to be careful,” Jenkins explained. “He’s just not quite fast enough anymore to go racing down the sidelines, matching the speed of his special teams.”

The outcome of Weis’ injury has even led to changes in football broadcasting. Since the coach went down, former Notre Dame coach Lou Holtz has been so upset about the incident that he has recently quit slurring his words.

Colleague and friend Mark May was quoted recently: “Since the injury, Lou has not been the same. The spitting has stopped and I no longer have to clean my suits nightly. I wish Charlie Weis a fast recovery, because I certainly miss the old Lou!”

It is vitally important that Coach Weis fully recovers from his knee injury. With the sinking fortunes of his football team, the former Patriots’ assistant coach is going to need a healthy pair of knees if Notre Dame is to return to their days of football glory.

The Notre Dame assistant coaches have yet to be fully briefed on how to station the spy cameras and listening devices to intercept the opposition play calls.

It has been said that “speed kills,” but nowhere does that phrase hold anymore truth than at Notre Dame, a place where players are timed with calendars, not stopwatches.

And what's this team to do without Charlie Weis, the Richard Simmons of South Bend, to lead them in running the bleachers and doing their calisthenics?

The Associated Press has reported that “Weis doesn’t expect to be at full speed until about six months after the surgery.”

Six months is not a long time, but without a healthy Weis to put them through their paces, that may be much too late for Clausen and the Irish.

And what will happen to Regis and Kelly, along with Mark and Lou?