MLB: Helping Umpires Find Harmony on the Diamond

In recent days, it seems more and more evident that major league umpires and coaches and players aren’t getting along. This is like a pilot saying he doesn’t care for his flight crew, or a director saying he hates all of his actors, or Mark Cuban saying he can’t stand the sight of money; it just isn’t right.

According to the Umpire Ejection Fantasy League (I thought the SportsCenter anchors were joking, too), there have been 109 ejections already this season. In total, managers have been ejected 56 times, with player ejections not far behind, at 49. 2010 saw a total of 201 ejections for the entire season.

Rob Drake is currently leading all umpires with six ejections, followed closely by Joe West and his five tosses.

Through the first five days of July, a total of 16 ejections have taken place.

Maybe it’s the heat getting to everyone, maybe it’s the idea of no football this season, or maybe some manager somewhere didn’t notice an umpire’s new haircut; the mood has just been terrible. Whatever the case, umpires are coming to the ballpark on short fuses as of late.

Detroit Tigers manager Jim Leyland recently said that the relationship between umpires and managers and players needs to improve.

Here are a few ideas to start the healing process:

Games should start with every coach and player hugging each umpire and paying them one compliment.

If incidental contact is made with an umpire during an argument, no more suspensions will take place. Instead, one fan will be selected to come onto the field and listen to the manager’s reasons for being so angry and accidentally making contact with the umpire. If he can sell the fan, he gets to stay in the game, following an apology.

Kick dirt on home plate—the umpire gets to kick you.

If any spit hits an umpire (from those arguments when the manager or player gets creepily close to an umpire’s face), the spitter must take the umpire’s uniform home and wash it. 

If a coach would like to take a formal route, he can ask for an immediate trial in which both the manager and umpire are allowed five minutes to present their cases, followed by a one-minute closing argument. A jury (of people found walking by outside of the stadium—to eliminate bias, of course) decides the winner and is then escorted from the stadium—no one watches for free.

If a player argues a close play at first base, he will then race the umpire who made the call, with the umpire getting a three-second head start. If the player loses, he is immediately ejected. And the butt of a lot of new jokes.

If a manager argues balls and strikes, the team is allowed to have their mascot throw one pitch. If it reaches home plate within five bounces, it’s a strike. If this happens at Nationals Park, Teddy Roosevelt must be the one to throw the pitch. He’s been slighted far too much.

If a coach takes a base from the field after an ejection, the umpire is allowed to follow him home and has five minutes to take as many things as he can fit into his pockets.

To any player or coach who argues from the dugout, the umpire can respond, “Fine, you do this job.” No questioning is allowed as to the umpire’s dedication.

If a team has a 10-run or more lead, every pitch not swung at is a strike. Again, no questions asked.

If a comment is made about an umpire’s vision and the umpire does, in fact, wear glasses or contacts, then whoever made the comment must apologize and say that he didn’t really mean it, while patting him on the back.

One exception: If you’re ejected by Joe West, suck it up and leave the field. 

Immediately.