A Conversation with Tom Renney (Satire)

In this satirical conversation with New York Rangers head coach Tom Renney, I was allowed access to his office where we chatted a while about hockey, the Rangers, and just life in general. All parts of the conversation with which I could blackmail him have been edited out.

GC: Tom, I want to thank you very much for sitting down with me for this interview.

TR: No problem, young man. It's an honor and a privilege to be talking to a writer from such an excellent sports site.

GC: Thanks, Tom. Now, before I get to the current Rangers team, I must ask this: How is your head after what happened on Saturday?

TR: Oh, the old brain pain is doing fine. Not much of a concussion. Although they had to take the stick to the hospital for repairs, it's going to take an awful lot to knock this old warrior out.

GC: That's good to hear. Now to the team: The Rangers are getting a lot of shots on goal but actual goals have been few and far between. Can you explain why?

TR: Shots on goal is a sexy statistic, but it doesn't really show the consummate truth. You must take into consideration what kinds of shots they have been: non-quality shots, perimeter shots, soft shots, and anything off the stick of Chris Drury, because that man just can't score for shit right now.

GC: You've never publicly called out a player before. Are you doing that to Chris Drury right now?

TR: No, I'm not. Chris is an exceptional talent who has a knack for scoring big goals. Just because his visceral connection isn't strong with his linemates now, doesn't mean that this atrocious slump will last all season long.

GC: As we just went over, even though the offense is struggling, the team continues to win. What is your message to the players until the goals start to come?

TR: We must first and foremost remain cognizant. This is a wonderful organ-eye-zation and we have a terrific fanbase. They deserve to see goals and wins and by God we are going to deliver.

GC: Finish this sentence: "Sidney Crosby is..."

TR: ...a whiny little bitch who complains and deserves to have his over-biting two front teeth knocked out. Oh wait...that's not for publication. I'll just say he is a dashing young whippersnapper who can pass the puck.

GC: Tom, how is it that you can remain remarkably calm during a game, no matter what the situation?

TR: Well, that's what happens when you take a Xanax, Ritalin, and a bourbon on the rocks.

GC: Does your heart even beat after that?

TR: I have trained myself to earn heartbeats. When we score goals and win, I let my heart pump. When we get shut-out and lose, I don't. Why do you think I come so close to death every December?

GC: There has been an increasing feeling in the press room that reporters there aren't able to understand what you are saying because of your advanced vocabulary. What are your thoughts on that?

TR: Well, I must confess that whenever I enter the press room there seems to be a ubiquitous melancholy amongst the scribes of the Post, Times, and Daily News. However, I am not going to change my phraseology just to appease the peasantry that is the people who read those publications.

I am not going to change the way I articulate my thoughts because it would be like asking you to stop your radio show, asking Alan Bass to stop his moronic articles, asking Tyler Hill to stop loving maple syrup and Canadian bacon...errr...ham or whatever it's called, asking Pascal Dupuis to shave his eyebrow, and asking Ken Armer to stop being...well, Ken Armer.

It's just an insurmountable task and I hope that answered your question.

GC: I'm sure that after a dictionary I will be able to understand that. Anyway, I wanted to thank you once again for letting me interview you.

TR: It was my pleasure, young man. It's not like I have a ton of work to do anyway. You see, it's really Perry Pearn that runs the whole show. I'm just there to look cute and chew gum.

GC: Really?

TR: No, I jest. Oh, can I just say one more thing?

GC: Sure...

TR: I've always wanted to say this...

GC: What is it?

TR: LIVE FROM NEW YORK, IT'S SATURDAY NIGHT!!!