NFL Players Endorsing Pornography: How Would the Commish's Angry Letter Read?

NFL lawyers, who somehow have time on their hands, have jumped on an interesting case. The Exxxotica Expo 2011 has allegedly infringed on the NFL’s copyright by using players in NFL jerseys to support their “conference.”

If you don’t know what this conference is about, I didn’t misspell “exotic.”

The players who lent their likenesses to the endorsement are, of course, out from under the umbrella of the league and discipline. At this point the players and the union are separate entities kinda-sorta figuring out how to make a football league together.

Come August, that’ll be different. They’ll be back—the NFL as usual—and Roger Goodell will remove his favorite stationery from his mahogany desk. For a moment he’ll remember all the times he tried to act like players’ best friend, but then he’ll write a letter that lets the offending players know they’re being fined for subjecting the league’s brand to an institution based on dirty animal instincts.

But what would the Commish say to the five offending players?

[Cue entirely satirical dream sequence graphics...]

Yo!

Roger here. Look man, I know we’ve been cool in the past, but I’ve got bad news. When you wore your jersey at that conference with all the scantily clad women, even if it was just your picture, you broke one of the league rules, and now I’ve gotta fine you.

It sucks, I know.

Oops. Probably shouldn’t use that verb.

Either way, here’s the deal: We manage a tight ship when it comes to our brand. No one touches it without our consent, and to gain that consent means they gotta show me the money.

Hear me on that? I know you do. Eventually they’ll show you that money...actually, they’ll show it to me, and then the owners and I will turn around and show it to you. Some of it.

Yet that’s not the end of it. I have a little more bad news: I’ll need to make a bit of a spectacle about this in the media. First, because additional media crowds out baseball highlights each night on the news. (Again, someone’s showing me mon-ayyyy.)

But second, and most importantly, we can’t have our brand associated with sex or pornography. You and I both know that most Americans don’t ever think about the topic, nor do they have any idea about the acts of the women involved; we’ll have to distance ourselves. No one associates NFL athletes with buxom blonds and weird carnal deviance, so we can't have it start now.

They are porn stars, for God’s sake! They are selling their bodies for money!

Just think about that the next time you have a spare two hours in the trainer’s room while doctors tape your body together so you're game-ready. We can’t be associated with that sort of depravity. These women forwent an education and a normal American life because they wanted to chase the easiest money. The NFL can’t be associated with their poor choices and that cash-induced moral corruption!

For example, take the price of one of their DVDs: usually an astounding $29.99! Can you imagine paying such a ridiculously high price to watch something you can get for free from the comforts of your home? How out of touch this hedonistic group has become with the financial constraints of the common man to levy such skewering prices!

Or look at how the women dress, even when at these “professional” conferences. Completely showing off their bodies! I mean, it doesn’t hurt the eyes (right?), but how can these women let everyone take their pictures as if they were some sort of physical spectacle—and not human beings? The nature of their work almost demands that they artificially modify their bodies or they’ll be out of a job. What an extortion!

We can’t have that sort of association. I’m sorry.

So you’ll be fined $25,000.

Please make the check out to THE NATIONAL FOOTBALL LEAGUE.

Best,

Roger

PS: Like how I had a cheerleader hand-deliver this letter? Sweet, right?

[Follow Caleb on Twitter or Bleacher Report if you want more musings. He also wrote a book called The St George's Angling Club which you can buy on Amazon.]