Greg's Interview With Ryan Hollweg

Warning, this is a SATIRE. God forbid I offend his three fans...

In this exclusive interview, my fourth as a writer on Bleacher Report, I was given the opportunity to talk to one of the more controversial players in the NHL, forward for the Maple Leafs, Ryan Hollweg.

GC: Good afternoon Ryan, thanks for agreeing to the interview.

RH: Uhhh...no problem dude. It's chill.

GC: You have come up in the subject of controversy lately. How are you handling it?

RH: Well uhh...I'm taking all of this like one day at a time, you know? I mean, no publicity is bad publicity. After all, you should know especially after that Gomez trade article you wrote.

GC: You read articles on Bleacher Report?

RH: Hells yeah I do! I mean uhhh like what else is there to do to pass the time I have from all these suspensions? I can't watch Hockey Night in Canada because Don Cherry reminds me too much of Elton John with a goatee.

GC: Some Canadians may take that as an insult. Would you like to recant your statement?

RH: They can take it however the hell they like. I mean like what are they gonna do? Send their Mounties after me? Drown me in maple syrup? Or God forbid, make me read one of Tyler Hill's articles? I'm really scared...

GC: What's it like living in Canada after spending three seasons in the Big Apple?

RH: Big apple? You ain't seen a big apple until you see the ones they grow up here!

GC: I was referring to New York City, you know, the Big Apple.

RH: Ah I gotcha now bro. You see you like uhh gotta be more specific about those things. I enjoyed my time in New York, honestly I did. The fans are great, the city is phenom man! Only thing is, sometimes these people get on my nerves. They yell at me because I took some bad penalties and you even had the cajones to blame their playoff exit on me!

GC: That's because it was your fault.

RH: Like hell it was. I was defendin' mahself!

GC: But you took a run at him...

RH: Whaa? Oh yeah, now I remember. You see there's been so many times. I've been ejected from so many games I'm beginning to feel like Bobby Cox.

GC: Back to the playoff exit, what is your response to me blaming you?

RH: Like I said, I didn't mean anything by it dude. Ya gotta chillax and see things for what they are. It was a mistake and I'm sorry.

GC: Okay, we'll move on.

RH: Wait! Before you ask another question, can I say "Hi" to someone?

GC: Sure. Who?

RH: Mary Jane.

GC: Excuse me?

RH: My best friend in the whole world, Mary Jane. She's always there for me. Every time I'm having a bad day, there she is to pick me right up and carry me to a place very near and dear to me.

GC: And where is that?

RH: It's a secret man. A secret. I thought you was chill about that sorta thing.

GC: Oh yeah, I'm chill. Absolutely. Back on topic, is there one thing you have learned from all these suspensions?

RH: Oh, there's lotsa things I've learned. Valuable life lessons that mean more to a player then anything else in the world. In fact, I'm a changed man. I've also had a chance to catch up on some reading during my lonely nights home.

GC: Read anything good?

RH: Hell yeah! I read the Bible, the Satanic Verses, Mein Kampf, and the Communist Manifesto.

GC: Quite the combination, huh?

RH: I'll say. And I found them all in Don Cherry's closet.

GC: You broke into his house?

RH: Yeah, and that's not the only he thing he keeps in the closet.

GC: You could face jail time for that, you know?

RH: Yeah right. They ain't never gonna catch me. If they couldn't get OJ for murder, there not going to catch me for breaking and entering.

(Doorbell rings)

RH: Oh my God dude! The cops are here! Whadda I do?

GC: Turn yourself in and don't do anything stupid. I know that may be hard for you...

RH: Never! I'm getting my hockey stick, and I'm takin' em on!

GC: That's not a good idea Ryan.

RH: I'm gonna go down swingin' like Davy Crockett...or Chris Simon depending on how ya look at it.

GC: Wait...no!

RH: I'll catcha on the flipside dude! Look at the bright side, jail can't be any worse then the Air Canada Centre and I've rode pine so many times, I'll get used to the inmates really quick!

View Greg's Previous Interviews Below

Mats Sundin

Brian Burke

Kevin Lowe