Kimbo Sliced in 14 Seconds! My Goodness!

       When journeyman Seth Petruzelli "shocked" the MMA world by "upsetting" internet sensation Kimbo Slice in just 14 heart-pounding seconds, it was more than just a win. It was a statement, one that may very well be Elite XC's swan song. November 8 -- EXC's next hastily scheduled live CBS date -- is a card headlined by two above average fights that absolutely nobody will watch: Robbie Lawler vs. Joey Villasenor and Nick Diaz vs. Eddie Alvarez. Good luck with that, guys. I'll be watching. But who else will?

      It wasn't just the actual scrap inside the cage that had me joyfully yelping into the night air; it was the events leading up to it. As we all know by now, Seth was offered the fight because Ken "Expletive Deleted" Shamrock evidently sustained a cut above his right eye in the 24 hours leading up to the fight. Um, are you kidding me? What a rookie mistake. Ken can't even get INTO the cage at this point. So about an hour before the main event was set to take place, Petruzelli accepted the fight. Right before the last commercial, they cut to a shot of him waiting backstage. He was the color of skimmed milk. He couldn't have looked more petrified. Theres no other way to say this. Then they cut to Kimbo and his crew (who, for some reason, reminded me of a group of deranged Pistons fans). Kimbo was mean mugging like always. "Uh oh," I thought "hope this isn't Bo Cantrell 2".

     Cut to: the Tale of the Tape. Kimbo 234 1/2 lbs., Seth 205 1/2 lbs. Gulp. After the announcements, the staredown ensued. Seth actually didn't look as scared shitless as before, but when Kimbo refused to touch gloves and just stared at him like he had just flown in his sister and started making out with her, it had to irk him. Still, I should have known.

      The fight begins. Kimbo bulls right after Seth with no regard for his more experienced foe. Seth backs up and throws a teep. Kimbo charges in with reckless abandon and gets caught flush by an incredibly well-timed teep, short right hand combo, which drops him to a knee. Seth proceeds to pound the living daylights out of Slice, not even beginning to allow him to recover. It was over in the time it takes the average person to burp their ABC's.

     It kept getting better. Petruzelli ran around the ring, screaming and celebrating like a madman. (Note: I'll come clean. My stream went out right before the staredown. Talk about horrible timing. I watched it about ten minutes after it happened. But as my friend IM'd me as it occurred "9,000 people are 'wtf?'ing in unison". What a perfect way to describe that noise: they were wtf?ing in unison. It was eerily reminiscent of the Angels home crowd after JD Drew's soul stealing homer off of K-Rod in Game 2. I'll shut up and return to the column now.) I remember thinking "this is like Lutter vs. Eastman all over again, only this is way more legitimate".

      All in all, it was a great show. Ninja Rua got knocked out by what appeared to be another case of brain flatulence. It was a great fight though. Gina Carano gutted out a win over a tough and psycho-looking Kelly Kobold. And Andrei Arlovski just laid into Roy Nelson, but not before getting caught with a big punch himself. If Arlovski vs. Fedor happens, it's going to be fun. Seriously.

    The circumstances of the main event, though, could not have come at a worse possible time for Elite XC. Shammy didn't help any by catching a case of diarrhea at the mouth backstage, inexplicably challenging Kimbo after the athletic commission had already said he wasn't fighting. That's twice he's challenged a guy after he pulled out of the fight that very night; wow. I'm convinced that Kimbo would have committed a hate crime on Ken Shamrock, because his mind is mush. Seth has a brain. Thats the difference. Time to hang 'em up, buddy. 

    Still, I raise my glass to you, Seth Petruzelli. Well done. I'm sure Kimbo will be back; he seems to have a good attitude and a true hunger to win. But that's a tough loss. Here's to hoping Elite and Affliction merge. Now those would be some great cards.