How Sarah Palin Is Killing English Football.

In respect for all greed fueled Capitalist swine hooplah over copyright infringement, I'm going to tell you right now that I lifted all of this information related to significant dates from -----------.com and --------------.net. But, the tangled web of events that I uncovered suggest, nay, point directly to the fact that Republican Governor Sarah Louis Heath Palin of Alaska (aka "Seward's Folly") is ruining English Football. 

Let's begin with her date of birth, February 11th, 1864. On that fateful and terrible day in 1812, Massachusetts Governor Elridge Gerry Gerrymandered for the first time, and practice which directly led to the emergence of MK Dons (50 or so miles up the road) from the ruins of Wimbledon, disenfranchising the supports of the former West London club. Tisk, tisk, Governor.

Furthermore, on the same date in 1858, the Virgin Mary allegedly appeared to Saint Bernadette of Lourdes, a common belief which I am sure has propagated the belief that one can communicate with dead old women. Had this day not been so cursed we might be having to sit through Frank Lampard's on pitch seance every time he actually earns his gross salary.

Finally, on the 11th of February, 1943, General Dwight Eisenhower is selected over Field Marshall Bernard Montgomery, which most historians agree set in to motion the emasculation of British financial and political integrity, which undoubtedly caused the loss of English clubs to American Arch-Conservatives Gillette, Hicks, and Glazers.

More importantly, the credit crunch is a dastardly side effect of poisonous American dollar, with particular emphasis on the Premier League, as West Bromwich Albion, West Ham, and possibly Manchester United are loosing precious revenue from shirt front advertisement space. The connection is there, Palin's coming is even referenced in the Bible somewhere, as a day of ill repute, and death in both --------- 4:35 and -----------8:17. Scary, isn't it? 

Sarah Palin and Cristiano Ronaldo have something very disturbing in common. No, it's not their ability to say one thing, and then the next day mean another. Nor is it their marginal command of the English language (though I credit the young Portuguese as being a grade above the Alaskan head of State).

Both of the fathers of these two illustrious figures had serious man-crushes on Ronald Reagan, one so much so that he was inclined to saddle his son with a moniker in respect for a man who saw a full scale military invasion of the then Global Superpower that is Grenada as an utter necessity.

Hmmm...Now, I'm no Historian, but I'm pretty sure that there is good evidence in defense of the assertion that Reaganites mess everything up. So, what does this mean for the world of English Football? No matter what team you support, Cristiano "The Gipper" Ronaldo is messing them up. 

And what about the National Team? Don't you find it interesting that England has not won the final of a major International competition since 30 July, 1966, nearly two and a half years after the birth of Chief Executive of "The Land of the Midnight Sun" (see also "The Land of the Soul Destroying Darkness")?

I most certainly do.

You see, most "witches" according to New England Folklore, and the Holy Bible, can't perform spells or incantations until they're three years old. In fact, one of the earliest laws passed in colonial Maine was to allow for the execution of children, should it be provable beyond all reasonable doubt that the accused was actively participating in or sympathizing with witchcraft, witchlore, or general witchery.

Now, I'm not calling anyone a "witch" per se here, but I must admit that I do find it a tad disturbing that England has failed at every international tournament since the Former Miss Alaska was able to mutter "Penalty Shoot-Out" or "Hand of God" over an over again in a relentless shower of Satanic hate, before moving on to make a potion of incompetence from the tears of Paul Gascoigne (a potion which later drove him mad), the metatarsal bones of Beckham, Rooney, and Owen, and the gloves of Paul Robinson. 

Either way you look at it, Sarah Palin is bad news. For me, for you, for the world, and most especially for the great sport of football. So I say this, if you love yourself, this world, and football, then please do everything in your power to ensure that this semi-literate embodiment of modern conservatism (and all of its dastardly, horrendous, sickening failures) never, ever, ever, gets anymore influence over our lives.