10 Hilarious Football Jokes About Liverpool

ThomasSenior Writer ISeptember 27, 2008

Liverpool is a club that lots of people love. They're also a club that lots of people hate. I am one of the people that hate Liverpool. Also, I am on this humor streak for some reason. So, I have gathered 10 jokes about Liverpool and brought them to you. Some of these take shots at Liverpool fans; if you get upset, sorry. It's all in fun.

10. Rafael Benitez: "Our new Winger cost five million. I call him our wonder player"

Sir Alex Ferguson: "Why's that?"

Rafael Benitez: " Every time he plays I wonder why I bothered to buy him!"


9. Q: Santa Claus, the tooth fairy, an intelligent Liverpool supporter, and an old drunk are walking down the street together when simultaneously they each spot a fifty quid note. Who gets it?

A: The old drunk, of course; the other three are mythical creatures.

8. A father and son were eating breakfast. The father's newspaper had the headline, "Van Gogh sold for £8 million".

The son asked "Is he worth it, Dad?"

The father, surprised at his son's interest in fine art, replied "I suppose so, son. Why do you ask?"
The son said "Well, Liverpool paid more than that for Stan Collymore, and he was crap."

7. A young mother was pushing her baby along the street in Manchester when suddenly a huge rottweiler dog lunged towards the pram, gnashing its teeth. The young woman thought for a moment that the dog would kill them when suddenly a man rushed over, wrestled with the rottweiler and broke it's neck with his bare hands.

Another man rushed to the scene and said, "I am a reporter and I saw everything that happened. Wait until I put the headline in my paper. It will read 'Manchester United fan saves baby from savage rottweiler!"

"No you can't write that!" replied the man.

"But why not?" said the reporter.

"Because I am not a Manchester United fan, that's why!" replied the man.

"Oh, okay then," said the reporter, "I will write Manchester City supporter saves mother and baby from savage rottweiler!"

"You can't write that either," said the man.

"Why not?" asked the reporter.

"Because I am a Liverpool fan!" replied the man.

"Oh I see," said the reporter, "How about this then, 'Scouse ******* kills family pet!"


6.Steve Bruce signed a new superkid from foreign parts. On the first day of training, Steve Bruce gets a ball a says, “You get this and kick it at the goal.” The new superkid looks a bit bewildered but carries on nonetheless.

The next day of training same thing happened. Steve Bruce says, “You get this and score a goal.” Again the kid looks bewildered but carries on.

The third day, the same thing: “You get this and score a goal.” Finally the foreign superkid gets up and says, “Boss, I speak very good English and know what to do.”

Steve Bruce says, “Sit down son, I'm talking to Heskey!”


5. At a recent Liverpool-Everton derby, Rafa Benitez goes into the Liverpool changing room to find all his teammates looking a bit glum. "What’s up?” he asks.

“Well, we’re having trouble getting motivated for this game. We know it’s important but it’s only Everton and we can’t be bothered, we always beat them”.

Rafa looks at them and says, “Well, I reckon I can beat these by myself, you lads go down the pub.”

So Rafa goes out to play for the Reds by himself and the rest of the Liverpool team go off for a few beers. After a few pints they wonder how the game is going, so they get the landlord to put the television on. A big cheer goes up as the screen reads “Liverpool 1 - Everton 0 (Benitez 10 minutes).” He is beating Everton all by himself!

Anyway, a few more pints later and the game is forgotten until someone remembers “It must be full time now, let’s see how he got on.” They put the teletext on. “Result from Anfield: Liverpool 1 (Benitez 10 minutes) - Everton 1 (Cahill 89 minutes).”

They can’t believe it; he has single-handedly gotten a draw!! They rush back to Anfield to congratulate him. They find him in the dressing room, still in his gear, sat with his head in his hands. He refuses to look at them. He says, “I’ve let you down, I’ve let you down.”

“Don’t be daft, you got a draw, all by yourself. And they only scored at the very very end!” the players say.

To which Rafa replies: “No, No, I have, I’ve let you down… I got sent off after 12 minutes”


4. Q: What ship has never docked at Liverpool?

A: The Premiership!

Courtesy of Marie Ofeire

3. Q. What is the difference between a battery and an Scouser?
A. A battery has a positive side.

2. St. Peter was manning the Pearly Gates when 40 Liverpool fans showed up. Never having seen anyone from Liverpool at heaven's door, St. Peter said he would have to check with God. After hearing the news, God instructed him to admit the 10 most virtuous from the group.

A few minutes later, Saint Peter returned to God breathless and said, "They're gone."
"What? All of the Liverpool fans are gone?"
asked God.

"No" replied Saint Peter "The Pearly Gates!"

1. (everyone's favorite) A man arrives at the gates of heaven, where St. Peter greets him and says: "Before I can let you enter I must ask you what you have done in your life that was particularly good."

The man racks his brains for a few minutes and then admits to St Peter that he hasn't done anything particularly good in his life.

"Well," says St Peter, "have you done anything particularly brave in your life?"

"Yes, I have," replies the man proudly.

St Peter asks the man to give an account of his bravery.

So the man explains, "I was refereeing this important match between Liverpool and Manchester United at Anfield. The score was 0-0 and there was only one more minute of play to go in the second half when I awarded a penalty against Liverpool at the Kop end."

"Yes," responded St Peter, "I agree that was a real act of bravery. Can you perhaps tell me when this took place?"

"Certainly," the man replied, "about three minutes ago."


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