Super Bowl XLV: Why the Game Will Be the Greatest Sporting Spectacle of All Time

Satire—Forget your World Series, Daytona 500s, World Cups, and Olympic Games. Super Bowl XLV is here and the hype is so thick you can spread it on two sides of your sandwich and still have enough for tomorrow’s tuna salad. 

 

In other words, Super Bowl XLV promises to be the most exciting, the most memorable and the most spectacular event in the history of athletic competition.

 

Here are six reasons why it will deliver:

Roethlisberger Will Be Better Than Ever

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PITTSBURGH, PA - JANUARY 23: Ben Roethlisberger #7 of the Pittsburgh Steelers calls a play against the New York Jets in the 2011 AFC Championship game at Heinz Field on January 23, 2011 in Pittsburgh, Pennsylvania. The Steelers defeated the Jets 24 to 19

The Steeler’s Ben Roethlisberger—who makes Charlie Sheen look like a Jesuit—might be the greatest quarterback of all time. But we may never know because he’s too busy partying to totally focus on his gameplay. 

 

Until now.

 

Super Bowl-scale media scrutiny means Big Ben has had to be a good boy in the days leading up to the big game.

 

Come kickoff, we’ll be able to see how well he does when he’s sober and really trying. Just keep those cheerleaders on the other side of the field, please.

For Aaron Rodgers, It’s Life And Death

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IRVING, TX - JANUARY 31: Quarterback Aaron Rodgers #12 of the Green Bay Packers talks to the media on January 31, 2011 in Irving, Texas. The Green Bay Packers will play the Pittsburgh Steelers in Super Bowl XLV on February 6, 2011 at Cowboys Stadium in A

Packers quarterback Aaron Rodgers will also play as if his life depends upon it.  Rodgers has had so many concussions, he’s having trouble identifying Sunday as a distinct time period. 

 

If he wins the Super Bowl for his team, Rodgers plans on changing careers to something a little less wearing on the old noggin.  Namely: taking over the role of Michael Scott in the television series “The Office.”

 

Some say Rodgers and departing “Office” star Steve Carrell are not that similar in appearance. Others point to the fact that Rodgers has no acting experience.  But everyone seems to agree that the details don’t matter, because it’s just TV. Meanwhile, the Packers band has been practicing the Dunder Mifflin jingle all week.

Hines Ward Will Take Care of the Intensity Level

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DALLAS, TX - JANUARY 31: Hines Ward #86 of the Pittsburgh Steelers walks to the team bus after arriving at Dallas Fort Worth International Airport on January 31, 2011 in Dallas, Texas. The Pittsburgh Steelers will play the Green Bay Packers in Super Bow

Steeler wide receiver Hines Ward doesn’t want to let his reputation as a bully and a bad guy diminish as he winds down his career. 

 

Since this might be his last visit to the Super Bowl, he’s bound to go headhunting, with the Packers secondary as his targets.

 

Helmet to helmet. Face mask to face mask. Ego to ego. Expect a lot of the ultra-violence from Ward. After all, who’s going to throw a flag on a little aggressive play? This is the Super Bowl, dammit. And the referees can always apologize later for any blown calls.

We Won’t Have To Listen to Brett Favre…

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DETROIT, MI - JANUARY 02: Brett Favre #4 of the Minnesota Vikings talks at a post game press conference after a 13-20 loss to the Detroit Lions at Ford Field on January 2, 2011 in Detroit, Michigan. (Photo by Gregory Shamus/Getty Images)

…Unless they run one of those Wrangler commercials. 

 

Fashion note to Brett: You’re over 40 and a multimillionaire.

 

Buy yourself a decent pair of pants, for God sakes.

Even Halftime Will Be Exciting

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GENOA, ITALY - OCTOBER 12: Balaclava clad Serbian fan Ivan Bogdanov gestures towards riot police during the UEFA EURO 2012 Group C qualifier between Italy and Serbia at Luigi Ferraris Stadium on October 12, 2010 in Genoa, Italy. (Photo by Claudio Villa/Ge

 

They’ve replaced the usual oldies rock act with something more current. 

 

This year’s show will feature thousands of rock-throwing protesters and hundreds of rock-attracting riot police, flown in directly from Cairo.

 

Wait until you see the arms on some of these kids.

Sudden Debt Overtime

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GREEN BAY, WI - SEPTEMBER 19: A general view of the coin toss prior to the start of the game between the Green Bay Packers and Chicago Bears on September 19, 2004 at Lambeau Field in Green Bay, Wisconsin. The Bears defeated the Packers 21-10. (Photo by J

In March, the players’ collective bargaining agreement with the NFL runs out. 

 

The owners want to pay the players less. The players think that’s crazy. The owners are ready to lock out the players until they come to their senses. But the players have a plan.

 

There’s an old labor trick unions have used for decades. They simply keep working, around the clock, so they can’t be locked out.

 

In the case of the Super Bowl, this means the game might go on indefinitely, with shifts of players cycling in and out and earning overtime pay, as the owners go deeper and deeper into debt.

 

We can only hope Jerry Jones has the refrigerators in the luxury suites well stocked.  

 

The greatest sporting spectacle of all time may take a while.