Davis Love New Ryder Cup Captain, Heckling or Not

Davis Love III is the new captain and coach for the U.S. Ryder Cup team.

Good selection. He will make a great coach.

Only problem is whether he'll attract any hecklers.

Do you remember when Love was touring from 2003 to 2005? He attracted hecklers.

I know you're thinking people don't heckle in golf, but they did, and that's why it was a story.

I don't know why guys came out to a tournament, got drunk and felt they had to heckle Love, but they did.

How would you heckle a captain anyway?

"Can't your boys putt? Good coaching, there!"

"Way to go on your line-up selection!"

Sarcasm doesn't always work in heckling.

Don't expect it to happen, but British fans will be there, and a few might be soccer hooligan types. They might drink too much Guinness or, even worse, some "funky cold Medinah," since it's at the Chicago course.

It could happen.

And it might be a good thing if the heckling were directed at Coach Love and not the players.

Love has dealt with it. He can handle it.

Proper Etiquette on Heckling Davis Love III

First off, let me say I abhor heckling. It’s rude. It’s boorish. It smacks of bad manners.

It’s the antithesis of everything that’s genteel and pure about golf. It should not be done under any circumstances, but if it is to be done, it shouldn’t be heaped upon that class act and gentleman, Davis Love.

But if you must, at least follow the golf heckler code of ethics.

Love is certainly entitled to a higher breed of heckler—or at least one with medium brow.

Save the gutter stuff for bowlers.
   
Always heckle from the golfer’s right—assuming he’s right handed—so that you’re in his line of sight. It doesn’t hurt to wear a Greg Norman outfit and big clown nose.

Never heckle during a backswing, but during a persistent swishy waggle is always permissible.

Never say, “Hey, Putter, Putter, Putter, Putter.”

Never say Davis Love is going to be third.

Never say if Davis Love were any thinner, he’d have to stack his eyes. That’s way too long.

Never tell Davis Love that if his pen runs out of blue ink, he could always stick the pen in his arm and draw blood.

Even though North Carolina blue runs through his veins, that heckle is too long and most people won’t get it. Keep them short.

Gentle and permissible heckles:

When taking an extremely long time lining up a shot: “Hey, Davis, you could have walked it to the hole by now.”

More slow play: “Waiting for Enron to come back?”

Wearing a particularly outlandish outfit: “What did you do? Steal that from a blind golfer?”

When Davis pleads for quiet, yell: “Everybody quiet. Davis can’t hear his Rolex ticking.”

After a bad tee shot: “You shouldn’t drink and drive.”

After hitting it into the deep rough: “Carry a machete in your bag?”

After hitting it on the green, but miles from the cup: “Do you want me to loan your caddy a transit?”

After hitting it into the sand: “Hey, Trep! In a trap?  Don’t trip.” 

To be fair to Davis Love, he may need a few heckler handles and comebacks. He may have his own, but here are a few recommendations:

"If I throw a stick, will you leave?"

"If I could afford the wood, I’d have your mouth boarded up."

"If you were any more stupid, you’d have to be watered twice a week."

"I’m sorry, I don’t speak alcoholic."

"I thought I told you to stay in the cart."

"When we’re done I’ll still be Davis Love…and you’ll still be stupid."

"If I wanted to look at you, I’d have to be a proctologist."

"Hey, I’m working here. What does it look like I’m doing, playing a game?"