The Head Coach Guillotine: Who's In Line?

It never ceases to amaze me how a man like Gary Kubiak can practically live in his office for ten months out of the year, communicate to his family exclusively through email, and then stubbornly follow the same game plan despite being down 21-0 with just four minutes left in the first quarter. It blows me away.

Now that week one is behind us, and week two looms. It’s time to take a look at those coaches who started the season with one foot in the unemployment line (Scott Linehan) and those who after one week have already coached themselves into consideration. (Welcome Gary Kubiak and Norv Turner!)

Lane Kiffin (Off)

Al wants him gone, but needs him to resign so he doesn’t have any more money coming his way. So it begs the question: Who gives in first? It’s not going to be Davis. If I was Kiffen I’d be a little worried about GHB finding its way into my coffee and waking up with one of those fishnet beauty’s from the owner’s box sleeping next to me.

Mike Shanahan (10-1)

I was really thinking this might be the year…then they opened against the Raiders. He really seems like a…what do they call that when they let you into the frat because your father was a member, dynasty? Anyway, he’s on the short list, along with Belichick and Fisher, maybe Dungy.

John Gruden (8-1)

He’s probably more of a long shot then this…I’d like to see him start a quarterback who wasn’t born in the 70’s.

Norv Turner (7-1)

They might as well get it over with.

Here’s the thing with Turner. What are the chances he’s still head coach in 2010? 100-1? Like a band aid, RIGHT OFF!

Gary Kubiak (5-1)

He really, REALLY needs to bounce back from that beating they were given by the Steelers.

Herm Edwards (5-1)

I don’t get it. I just don’t get it.

Romeo Crennel (3-1)

This is the Marvin Lewis corollary. A coach who excels in one area, but that’s the area that kills his team. (Like Marvin Lewis being a defensive specialist whose coached a horrible D since he’s been the head coach) Does it make any sense that he hasn’t been able to put together a middle of the road defense at the very least?

At least Mike Nolan can get something right.

Rod Marinelli (3-1)

If Matt Millen was fired tomorrow, and I was brought in as GM I’d be going in knowing that the only guy that will definitely be back for 09’ is Calvin Johnson.

Jim Zorn (2-1)

DANIAL- I’m sorry, Jim, but we both knew coming into this that I was going to throw gobs of money at Mike Holmgren if you didn’t make the playoffs. What do you think about stepping back down to Offensive Coordinator?

JIM- How much of a pay cut are we talking about?

Marvin Lewis (even)

This has to be his last year, one way or the other. It’s even money because he’s just as likely to resign.

Mike Nolan (-500)

Is there a firemikenolan.com? If there ain’t then there ought to be. 

Scott Linehan (-500)

Scott, I want you to understand something, I hate Mike Nolan. I hate him, and I think I might hate him more the Terrel Owens. I don’t want you to take this the wrong way Scott, because YOU are a terrible, TERRIBLE coach, but you’ve got to understand I’m a 49er fan Scott Linehan! I enjoy watching you coach the Rams into the ground! It gives me pleasure!

I can never hate you as much as I hate Mike Nolan!

(Unless, of course, you’re in San Francisco next year.)