Best Names in College Basketball

After putting together a list of some of the best names in college football a couple months ago, I felt like it was fitting to do the same for those out there in the college basketball world with...creative namesakes.

In the spirit of the holiday season and of Temple guard/forward Dionte Christmas, I present to you the best names in college basketball. (Obligatory disclaimer: to any of you college basketball players on this list who Google themselves and stumble upon this post, do not take offense, this is all in jest. Be merry, drink egg nog, and I hope you had a happy “Chrismahanukwanzaka”):

Destined To Be Basketball Players

David Baller, College of Charleston 

Chris Hoopes, Southern Utah

No Need for Words

Dominitrix Johnson, Illinois St

Jamar Nutter, Seton Hall

Jahsha Bluntt, Delaware St

Pooh Williams, Utah State

Wayne Chism, Tennessee

Chris Porn, Elon

Named After Famous People

Damon Jones, Northwestern State—The Cavs backup point guard Damon Jones isn’t exactly famous, but I needed an excuse to put LeBron James’s nasty dunk on him a few years ago.

Chris Martin, Stony Brook—Isn’t this guy the main singer from Coldplay? Um, not that I listen to Coldplay or anything...

Nick Carter, Stony Brook—Whether you’ll admit it or not, I know you remember the guy from the Backstreet Boys. Two pop stars on the same team. Kudos, Stony Brook.

David Palmer, Iowa—For you 24 fans, David Palmer was the first Black President of the United States. But just like in horror movies, the show had to knock off the black guy. Damn.

Patrick Ewing Jr., Georgetown—I mean he is Pat Ewing’s son.

Picasso Simmons, Murray State—Picasso has a passion for his pallet, proudly painting prominent surrealist masterpieces from Paris to Madrid. Not the best basketball player, but what can you expect from an art major?

JayDee Luster, New Mexico State—Little did JayDee know that he was in the presence of a hip hop producing legend.

Fabio Nass, Miami—He’s got great hair.

Mike Jones, St. Louis—WHO?!

Steve Alford, Western Washington

Chris Collinsworth, BYU

Mike Singletary, Texas Tech

Chris Gamble, Mississippi Valley State—Hopefully this Chris Gamble does a little better than a seven out of 50 on his Wonderlic Test.

Andrew Jackson, Mississippi Valley State

Destined to Be on the Cover of Some Teenage Girls’ Magazine

Chris Timberlake, North Florida

Corey Abercrombie, Pittsburgh State

Thomas Abercrombie, Washington State

Of The Royal Family

Duke Crews, Tennessee

Will Royal, Robert Morris

Rickey Royal, Army

King Cannon, Central Arkansas

J.P. Prince, Tennessee

Punctuations and Prefixes Perplexing English Teachers around the Country

Ra’Sean Dickey, GT

l’Lonzo Coleman, Presbyterian Blue Hose

LeKendrick Longmire, Oregon

An’Juan Wilderness, Charlotte

K’Len Morris, Michigan

E’Twaun Moore, Purdue

Jay-R Strowbridge, Nebraska

Jon’Tee Willhite, Eastern Illinois

LaceDarius Dunn, Baylor

De’Jon Jackson, San Diego

Giving PA Announcers Serious Issues

Qavotstaraj Waddell, Chattanooga

Iman Shokouhizadeh, Centenary

Thanasi Panagiotakopoulos, Northern Colorado           

Philippe Tchekane Bofia, Maine

Yves Mekongo-Mbala. La Salle 

International Flavor

Gordo Castillo, New Mexico State

Oliver Caballero, San Jose State

Ryan Amoroso, San Diego State

Baptiste Bataille, Northeastern

Luc Richard Mbah a Moute, UCLA

Jean Francois Bro-Grebe, Marshall

Chris De La Rosa, Siena 

Great Last Names

Dionte Christmas, Temple

Derrick Caracter, Louisville—Ironically Caracter is not a man of great character; he was suspended earlier in the season for violating team rules.

David Kool, Western Michigan

Drew McCool, Eastern Kentucky

Julius Allgood, Texas Pan-American

Tyler Hoffmeister. Texas Tech

Cam Thoroughman. WVU—Cam is a diligent, hard-working basketball player. He’s thorough, man.

Akeem Hemingway, UMKC

Chief Kickingstallionsims, Alabama State

Jacob Turnipseed, Nicholls State

Soloman HorseChief, Pacific

Great First Names

Urule Igbavboa, Valparasio

Parfait Bitee, Rhode Island

Jazz Williams, Southern

Arizona ‘AZ’ Reid, High Point – Too bad he’s from South Carolina

Jasonn Hannibal, Portland

Feminine Names

Brook Lopez, Stanford—Maybe the real reason Lopez was ineligible for a few games at the beginning of the year.

Hillary Haley, St. Bonaventure—Hillary is 6’6”, 210 lb., so after awhile the feminine name jokes probably stopped.

Gaby Bermudez, Samford

The Holy One

Jesus Verdejo, South Florida—This man certainly has a lot to live up to.