Cleveland Browns End Miami Dolphins Playoff Hopes, As Miami Puts Fans to Sleep

Have problems sleeping? 

Do you find yourself waking up tired and not relaxed?

Do you find yourself tossing and turning and sleeping in spurts?

The NFL would like to introduce you to Dolphins vs. Browns.

Dolphins vs. Browns is a sleeping aide developed by Sparano-Henning-Henne corporation. It will have you sleeping a good three hours on an otherwise beautiful South Florida December afternoon.

Dolphins vs. Browns works thanks to a special formula made up of interceptions, punts and field goals. This powerful drug can put even the greatest of football fans to sleep in mere minutes, then have them waking up refreshed and ready to start their day.

Disclaimer: Side effects of Dolphins vs. Browns includes nausea, diarrhea and migraines. This has been shown mainly in Miami Dolphins fans. Dolphins vs. Browns can also cause heart attacks in Dolphins fans over the age of 65. Use only as directed.

Seriously, It Was That Bad

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MIAMI - DECEMBER 05: Receiver Marlon Moore #14 of the Miami Dolphins is defended by Sheldon Brown #24 of the Cleveland Browns at Sun Life Stadium on December 5, 2010 in Miami, Florida. (Photo by Marc Serota/Getty Images)

That should've been the disclaimer CBS played before the game instead of the typical "CBS welcomes you to the National Football League." This game was, for lack of a better word, atrocious. 

The highlight was a 60-yard field goal by the Dolphins MVP, Dan Carpenter. 

If the highlight is a field goal, you know there are some problems.

Let's look at some of the, eh, matchups. 

Peyton Hillis vs. Dolphins Defense: Slight Advantage, Dolphins D

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MIAMI - DECEMBER 05: Running back Peyton Hillis #40 of the Cleveland Browns carries against the Miami Dolphins at Sun Life Stadium on December 5, 2010 in Miami, Florida. (Photo by Marc Serota/Getty Images)

Peyton Hillis had 15 carries for 57 yards and no touchdowns.

The Dolphins defense did their job against Hillis, who had been a horse for Cleveland and fantasy owners everywhere this year. 

So the Dolphins should've won, right?

Delhomme vs. Henne: Advantage, Delhomme

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MIAMI - DECEMBER 05: Quarterback Jake Delhomme #17 of the Cleveland Browns passes against the Miami Dolphins at Sun Life Stadium on December 5, 2010 in Miami, Florida. (Photo by Marc Serota/Getty Images)

Oh yeah, the Dolphins offense sucked.

It wasn't for lack of trying on Delhomme's part. He did everything he could to give the Miami Dolphins the game. Passes thrown to the Dolphins were there; however, they weren't caught.

Henne, on the other hand, was true to his (apparent) throw-to-the-boys-in-brown-and-orange plan. It was almost as if Henne felt bad for Cleveland after LeBron's destruction of them on Thursday night, so he literally threw the game to them.

Henne had his lowest passer rating in his career, 37.8. If every pass you throw is incomplete, your passer rating is a little bit higher than that. 

Henne was 16 of 32 for 174 yards, a touchdown and three interceptions, including one that doomed the Dolphins at the end. 

Ricky and Ronnie vs. Browns Defense: Slight Advantage, Browns D

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MIAMI - DECEMBER 05: Running back Ronnie Brown #23 of the miami Dolphins carries against the Cleveland Browns at Sun Life Stadium on December 5, 2010 in Miami, Florida. (Photo by Marc Serota/Getty Images)

The dual backs of the Dolphins were coming off their best game of the season.

However, in a game where the Dolphins were within one score or tied the entire game, they were only featured a combined 26 times.

They rushed for 98 yards.

So technically, they should have the edge; however, the Browns defense, no sorry, Dan Henning, kept them from scoring.

Dan Henning vs. Common Sense: Advantage, Henning

NFL Photos/Getty Images

MIAMI - 2009: Dan Henning of the Miami Dolphins poses for his 2009 NFL headshot at photo day in Miami, Florida. (Photo by NFL Photos)

Oh, how I would love to write an article without having to take potshots at Henning.

Why can't he just realize what's working for Miami (running the ball) and stick to it!

Henne was having a bad day, but Ricky and Ronnie were doing OK. The Dolphins were always either tied or within one score.

Nope, ignore common sense and keep passing.

Hey, at least they were somewhat balanced, though.

Playoff Chances vs. Miami Dolphins: Advantage, Playoff Chances

Photo courtesy of Google images

This is where the Dolphins will be watching the playoffs. 

They don't even deserve to watch it on an IKEA couch or a nice new couch. They should take a couch on the side of the road, you know, where springs come up and hit them in the crotch.

Then they'll know what it's like to be Dolphins fans.

Thomas Galicia vs. Brandon Marshall: Advantage, Brandon Marshall

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MIAMI - OCTOBER 24: Receiver Brandon Marshall #19 is brought down by the Pittsburgh Steelers at Sun Life Stadium on October 24, 2010 in Miami, Florida. (Photo by Marc Serota/Getty Images)

"So I'm more of a problem than a solution, is what you say, Thomas. Well, let me ask you a question, don't you think the 'Phins could've used me out there on the field today? Don't you think Henne would've had less interceptions if I was playing?"

I've heard all the arguments telling me how wrong I was. Again, I was only throwing out a question that I raised due to facts I saw last Sunday.

This Sunday, my question was answered. Do we beat the Browns with Marshall? It's hard to say. 

Who am I kidding. Yes, yes we do. Bess is more wide open. So is Hartline. We'd have a threat in the red zone and someone who could give yards after the catch. 

Bigger question: Would this have been the game where Henning figures out how to use Marshall?

Yup, I'm saying it. Brandon Marshall is the solution, Dan Henning, and, *gulp* Chad Henne is the problem.

Tony Sparano vs. Unemployment: Advantage, Unemployment.

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MINNEAPOLIS - SEPTEMBER 19: Head coach Tony Sparano of the Miami Dolphins watches from the sidelines during the game against the Minnesota Vikings on September 19, 2010 at Hubert H. Humphrey Metrodome in Minneapolis, Minnesota. (Photo by Jamie Squire/Ge

Can we please stop with the charade that Tony Sparano is a good head coach?

He probably lost his job today, thanks to the inept offense. 

Ireland is probably out the door, too, because he gave Sparano these ingredients to cook with. 

So how long before the Gruden to the Dolphins rumors begins? We've already shown that we want him here in Miami.

Miami Sports vs. Cleveland Sports: Advantage, Draw

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CLEVELAND, OH - DECEMBER 02: LeBron James #6 of the Miami Heat throws powder in the air prior to playing the Cleveland Cavaliers at Quicken Loans Arena on December 2, 2010 in Cleveland, Ohio. NOTE TO USER: User expressly acknowledges and agrees that, by

Oh yeah, a Miami team took on a Cleveland team this week.

Hard to believe that, at least for a few days, a Heat-Browns matchup captivated Miami and Cleveland more than a Dolphins-Browns matchup.

That's what happens when the Dolphins and Browns go into the game a combined 10-12 with only one of the teams having a realistic mathematical shot at the postseason, while with Heat-Cavs you have probably the biggest real-life soap opera in sports this year.

However, the Browns practiced doing something they plan on doing with the Ravens and Steelers in the coming months: spoiler.

And now, that's all the Dolphins can be, spoilers.

Maybe before the game the Dolphins should've brought LeBron out to do the powder toss. 

Where Does Miami Go from Here?

Marc Serota/Getty Images

MIAMI - DECEMBER 05: Tight end Anthony Fasano #80 of the Miami Dolphins is brought down by Linebackers Matt Roth #53 and Chris Gocong #51 of the Cleveland Browns at Sun Life Stadium on December 5, 2010 in Miami, Florida. Cleveland defeated miami 13-10.

First off, congratulations are in order for the Cleveland Browns. For the most part they played well, despite Hillis being stopped for the first time this season.

Now as to what the Dolphins have to do next: regroup, and play spoiler.

Next week they get the Jets, and to end the season, the Patriots.

If they beat any of those teams, it might be the difference between the top seed in the AFC with home-field advantage and having to go on the road each week.

As for after the season, I see changes coming. 

A Dolfan Diaries Entry. Thomas Galicia is a Miami Dolphins Featured Columnist for Bleacher Report. For more of his musings on sports and other things, check out www.thomasgalicia.com. Or you could follow him on twitter, @thomasgalicia.