Rich Rodriguez Needs Athletic (Black) Players in Order to Win

Again, I write the articles you want to bring up at work or to your friends but can't.

After watching the first weekend of college football, which was very entertaining, I noticed several things. The two main things were 1) great coaching can win with an average team like UCLA and 2) the spread offense is only good if you have athletes.

So, while watching the Utah/Michigan game at a CAL Frat House, I was embarrassed for Rich Rodriguez that he had to watch his world-famous offense get run by slow players.

Sports Illustrated raised the question in an article in their college preview on how to stop the spread offense. Well, here is the answer: Have your athletic director find teams who run the spread with slow, unathletic white guys who try to execute it.

I didn’t know Elvis Grbac came back to Michigan to try run the spread.

Why do you think Adidas in sponsoring Michigan this season? Nike kicked them to the curb faster than Terrance Howard did with one of his Memphis girls in "Hustle and Flow," and said get some black guys running the spread and we will get you back the TD cleats.

The next question I have is why didn’t Michigan give Range Rovers, homes, and cash for Terrelle Pryor to go Michigan. He would be your savior like Benny the Jet was in "The Sandlot."

Yes, the girls in Ann Arbor are gross, but do anything possible and hook Pryor up. Michigan needs him so badly because it is painful to watch the spread not run by athletes.

Rich, you better get the grimiest players you know from Miami, Texas, or Southern California to Wolverine country quicker than Darnell Green in the 40. Have your webmaster put a banner on the school website:

HELP WANTED: BLACK QUARTERBACKS

Michigan fans, in less than three years, Rodriguez will do what he has done at all of his previous schools: get all the athletes he needs to execute his high-powered offense. This year, though, will be a long and tough one.

Sure, Utah is a very good team, but they did everything in their power to hand Michigan the game. Still, though, the few times Michigan had to make something happen, they couldn’t, because their offense looked like a over-40 flag football team at the local park at 8 a.m. on Sunday.

Rodriguez has always needed to be successful running the ball in order to win, which is turn meant having athletic quarterbacks:

2001: 355 passes vs. 474 runs (57% Run)

2002: 279 passes vs. 714 runs (72% Run)

2003: 252 passes vs. 600 runs (70% Run)

2004: 259 passes vs. 589 runs (69% Run)

2005: 193 passes vs. 625 runs (76% Run)

2006: 265 passes vs. 628 runs (72% Run)

Shawn King (yes, the same King who was a joke in real life NFL, but raw on Madden with the Buccaneers because 11-year-olds who don’t know how to read a defense who just call hike and run with him), Woodrow Dantzler at Clemson, and, of course, Pat White at West Virginia all had very successful careers because of Rodriguez.

Nick Sheridan and Steven Threet, the two Michigan quarterbacks, who played in Saturday’s game, had better step it up soon or it will be a long year for Michigan.

So Sheridan and Threet, here is some advice, turn in your pads now before I put you on my weekly “Get Up At The League” feature, or call Nike now and get on SPARQ training.

Sheridan and Threet, how bad do you feel when Drew Bledsoe’s is better than you two scrubs?

Rich, I feel for you, and the only suggestion I have is get one of your cornerbacks and move him to quarterback.

Sure, he will make bad reads and will look gross throwing the ball with gloves on un-strapped, but at least he will have some fast twitch muscles and some fluid in his hips.

Lastly, Michigan’s offense was so bad, Garry’s Ultimate Frisbee team could execute better.