Kobe Bryant And The 20 Best Names In Sports

Ross LipschultzAnalyst INovember 9, 2010

Kobe Bryant And The 20 Best Names In Sports

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    SACRAMENTO, CA - NOVEMBER 03:  Kobe Bryant #24 of the Los Angeles Lakers in action against the Sacramento Kings at ARCO Arena on November 3, 2010 in Sacramento, California.  NOTE TO USER: User expressly acknowledges and agrees that, by downloading and or
    Ezra Shaw/Getty Images

    Each night, the Black Mamba slithers onto the court, does things most basketball players dream of, and gets more SportsCenter highlights than 99.99999999999% of people will get in their lifetime.

    Rarely, however, does his one downfall get the spotlight:

    He's named after meat.

    Kobe Bryant got his name when his food-related father Joe "Jelly Bean" Bryant and mom Pamela Bryant saw Kobe beef on a restaurant menu. While "Kobe" has become part of the NBA lexicon, one must realize it's only there because sushi didn't sound great to the Bryants on that evening.

    Well, at least he's not Yakitori Bryant. "Yaki" is way too close to "Yucky."

    That being said, could Bryant actually have one of the funniest names in sports? Will his play be overshadowed by the fact that he's actually a delicacy across Tokyo?

    The answer to the latter is a resounding "no."

    The former, however, must be explored.

    Follow me on Twitter and read more at L.A. Sports Examiner.

20. Craphonso Thorpe: Florida State Seminoles (and Many NFL Teams)

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    TALLAHASSEE, FL - OCTOBER 2:  Wide receiver Craphonso Thorpe #1 of the Florida State Seminoles looks on while facing the North Carolina Tar Heels at Doak Campbell Stadium on October 2, 2004 in Tallahassee, Florida. FSU won 38-16. (Photo by Scott Halleran/
    Scott Halleran/Getty Images

    Just a crappy name. Period.

19. Will Power: Indy Car Driver

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    GOLD COAST, AUSTRALIA - OCTOBER 22: Will Power driver of the #6 Dunlop Super Dealer FPR Falcon looks on during practice ahead of the Gold Coast 600 on the Surfers Paradise Street Circuit on October 22, 2010 in Gold Coast, Australia.  (Photo by Robert Cian
    Robert Cianflone/Getty Images

    This reminds me of the Simpson's episode where Homer changes his name when he sees "Max Power" on the side of a blow dryer.

    Will's situation is likely similar, except he saw it on a Barack Obama campaign poster.

18. Boof Bonser: Oakland Athletics

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    OAKLAND, CA - AUGUST 06:  Boof Bonser #52 of the Oakland Athletics pitches against the Texas Rangers at the Oakland-Alameda County Coliseum on August 6, 2010 in Oakland, California.  (Photo by Ezra Shaw/Getty Images)
    Ezra Shaw/Getty Images

    Just call him "Dummy" or "Stupid." At least then people know it was a blatant joke.

    Using "Boof" makes it seem like the parents don't think anything is funny about it.

17. BenJarvus Green-Ellis: New England Patriots

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    CLEVELAND - NOVEMBER 07:  Running back BenJarvus Green-Ellis #42 of the New England Patriots runs the ball against the Cleveland Browns  at Cleveland Browns Stadium on November 7, 2010 in Cleveland, Ohio.  (Photo by Matt Sullivan/Getty Images)
    Matt Sullivan/Getty Images

    He's got so many names, he should just add "LLP" to the end and make it a law firm.

    They could sue whoever decided delaying this kid on standardized testing was a good idea.

16. Razor Shines: New York Mets

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    PORT ST. LUCIE, FL - FEBRUARY 27:  Coach Razor Shines #52 of the New York Mets poses during photo day at Tradition Field on February 27, 2010 in Port St. Lucie, Florida.  (Photo by Doug Benc/Getty Images)
    Doug Benc/Getty Images

    His parents didn't want their son getting pushed around, so they were smart to name him after a makeshift weapon.

    Harpoon Shines would have also been acceptable.

15. Ten Million: Minor League Baseball

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    Sorry, but there's no photo of this fella who played baseball before World War I.

    However, his name times zero equals the number of games he played in the major leagues.

14. Longar Longar: Oklahoma Sooners

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    LAWRENCE, KS - JANUARY 14: Longar Longar #30 of the Oklahoma Sooners makes a free throw during the game against the Kansas Jayhawks on January 14, 2008 at Allen Fieldhouse in Lawrence, Kansas. (Photo by Jamie Squire/Getty Images)
    Jamie Squire/Getty Images

    Hopefully his dad is named "Much Longar Longar."

    If not, his kid should be "Longar Longar 2: Electric Bugaloo."

13. Kaká: Real Madrid

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    PORT ELIZABETH, SOUTH AFRICA - JULY 02:  Kaka of Brazil is dejected after being knocked out of the tournament during the 2010 FIFA World Cup South Africa Quarter Final match between Netherlands and Brazil at Nelson Mandela Bay Stadium on July 2, 2010 in N
    Laurence Griffiths/Getty Images

    Men everywhere should let out a small giggle every time his name is spoken.

    It's just in our blood.

12. Milton Bradley: 8 MLB Teams

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    CHICAGO - JULY 26: Milton Bradley #15 of the Seattle Mariners yells at the umpire after being called out on strikes against the Chicago White Sox at U.S. Cellular Field on July 26, 2010 in Chicago, Illinois. (Photo by Jonathan Daniel/Getty Images)
    Jonathan Daniel/Getty Images

    Before he came along, Milton Bradley was solely associated with wholehearted family fun.

    Make sure you don't bring your family members near the outfielder, because he might eat their whole hearts.

11. Harry Colon: Detroit Lions

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    14 Sep 1997:  Bryant Westbrook #32 and Harry Colon #29  of the Detroit Lions in action during a game against the Chicago Bears at Soldier Field in Chicago, Illinois.  The Lions won the game 32-7.    Mandatory Credit: Matthew Stockman  /Allsport
    Matthew Stockman/Getty Images

    While a hairy colon may not be possible, Detroit learned quickly that a Harry one is.

    Once he played in 1997, however, Lions fans wish it wasn't.

10. Earthwind Moreland: New England Patriots

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    Fire must be pissed off. Only the first two parts of the band got a shout-out.

    It's probably harder to sell a spouse on Earthwindfire.

9. Fat Lever: Denver Nuggets

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    1989-1990:  Guard Fat Lever of the Denver Nuggets moves the ball during a game at the McNichols Sports Arena in Denver, Colorado. Mandatory Credit: Tim DeFrisco  /Allsport Mandatory Credit: Tim DeFrisco  /Allsport
    Tim DeFrisco/Getty Images

    Just putting nouns together doesn't constitute a name for most.

    Don't tell that to the Lever kids. I imagine Fat's brother's name is Lard.

8. Coco Crisp: Oakland Athletics

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    OAKLAND, CA - SEPTEMBER 08:  Coco Crisp #4 of the Oakland Athletics hits an RBI single in the sixth inning against the Seattle Mariners during a Major League Baseball game at the Oakland-Alameda County Coliseum on September 8, 2010 in Oakland, California.
    Jed Jacobsohn/Getty Images

    It's outfielders, for breakfast!

    Just pour some milk on him, and you either get a delicious chocolately crunch or a pissed-off buff guy.

7. Anthony Philip David Terry Frank Donald Stanley Gordon Stephen James Oatway

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    Yes, there is a typo. Between Stanley and Gordon, there's a "Gerry"

    There just isn't enough damn room to type it all out, let alone say he played soccer for Havant & Waterlooville.

6. I. M. Hipp: Nebraska Cornhuskers

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    He must have shortened his name after kids kept saying Hipp had no groove.

    If his middle name had been "So," however, he probably would still feel the hate.

5. Chief Kickingstallionsims: Alabama State Hornets

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    Being proud of one's culture is one thing.

    But this last name will haunt him for a long time. They should just write "To Be Continued" on the back of his jersey.

4. God Shammgod: Portland Chinooks

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    Naming a kid God raises the bar way too high.

    Unless, of course, your god is a sham. Touche, Papa Shammgod!

3. World B. Free: 7 NBA Teams

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    Major props to someone who changes his name to the same answer Miss South Carolina would give at the Miss USA pageant.

    Q: "If you could dedicate your life to one goal, what would it be?"

    A: "Well, I wishes the world be free."

2. Dick Butkus: Chicago Bears

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    NEW ORLEANS - MAY 19: 2008 Pro Football Hall of Fame member and legendary Chicago Bears linebacker Dick Butkus takes time to sign footballs for fans in the Fox Cable Networks' booth at the The Cable Show in the Ernest N. Morial Convention Center on May 19
    Skip Bolen/Getty Images

    Butkus can act as tough as he wants, but he won't ever escape his name.

    Although, a change to "Rod Brownnoser" wouldn't hurt.

1. Wonderful Terrific Monds III: Atlanta Braves

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    Sure, the name itself is pretty outrageous.

    The real crazy part is that he's the third one. It took three generations to realize the birth certificate isn't a place to play Mad Libs?