Letters From The Philadelphia Phillies Addressed to The MLB and The Giants

By: Chris Schaefer

Here are a couple of letters that may be written tonight:

Dear MLB,

For Sale:  One overpaid, underachieving joke of a player. 

Included with purchase are: a pricey contract, the knack to look at strikes, and a lack of courage. 

We’re also accepting interesting trades:  

Perhaps a VHS copy of “Jaws: The Revenge,” or a Mitch Williams rookie card in poor condition. 

Maybe a 40 oz. of King Cobra and a half-smoked cigarette with lipstick stains?  

Ideally, we’re looking to unload his hefty contract and beg Cliff Lee to come back to town. 

If you don’t know who we’re talking about yet, let me tell you who it is: Ryan Howard. 

He used to be really good. 

He used to get RBI’s when we needed him to. 

Perhaps he can help your team.

Love,

The Phillies

Dear San Francisco Giants,

We lost to you tonight in the NLCS. You won, but you didn’t beat us, we beat ourselves. Regardless, we hope you enjoy 2^nd place! 

We finished in the same spot last year and believe us when we say it wasn’t as awesome as you think. Live it up now, even though in actuality you haven’t won anything yet. 

Your fans deserve the right to write on our fans’ Facebook pages and talk trash, but we both know it will be short lived. 

You’ve never won a championship and you never will. You are no match for Cliff Lee and the mighty team down in Texas.

Your fans will disappear just as quickly as they showed up, and your merchandise will be on eBay in the next few weeks for everyone to enjoy.

Love,

The Phillies

P.S.  We have a great first baseman for sale or trade if you’re interested in accumulating more of our trashy discarded players.

This article was also published here: Philly Sports God Blog