There Goes the Perfect Season: Will Miami Still Win a Ring for the King?

So much for the heavily anticipated first game of the season in which Miami Thrice lost to those pesky old Boston Celtics.  You could see how the big three zoomed around in their super powered wheel chairs tonight…those things should be illegal in the NBA.

The Heat just lost one game, big deal.  All this loss does is fire up LeBron James and his pals to kick some freaking butt for the remainder of the season.  If you think they weren’t motivated for this game, then just wait 'til next game!

Hey, they can still go the rest of the season without a loss and don’t you dare tell me they can’t, because they are the super friends and they can and they will. 

Look out Kobe and Durant because Miami Thrice is gunning for you even more now!  And as for those pesky old Celtics, they’re going to wish they all retired after this game.

I went down to the locker room after the game to have a chat with the big guys and asked them what went wrong.  The king was playing poker on a bench with Bosh and Wade, which was good because I could ask them all questions at the same time.

First. I asked LeBron, “What happened, King?”  To which LeBron replied,

“It’s only one game you know, so we lost.  It’s not like the end of the world or nothin'.  I shouldn’t have listened to those Celtics’ fans.  I asked them, WHAT SHOULD I DO?  They told me to score 31 points in 42 minutes…so that’s what I did, but we lost!”

LeBron began to speak in the third person, “The problem with that is that LeBron James has to do what’s good for LeBron James.  By asking Celtics fans WHAT SHOULD I DO?  LeBron James was not doing what’s good for LeBron James.”  I should really be asking Miami Heat fans, WHAT SHOULD I DO?” 

LeBron continued, “After the game I called up some Miami fans long-distance and asked them WHAT SHOULD I DO?  They told me that next game I should score 100 points in 42 minutes.  I said to them, WHAT SHOULD I DO?  SHOULD I DO WHAT YOU WANT ME TO DO? 

"They yelled at me and said YES… so that’s WHAT I’M GOING TO DO, EXACTLY WHAT MIAMI FANS WANT ME TO DO, and that’s score 100 points in 42 minutes in the next game.

“Wow!” I said, “Spoken like a true king!”

Then LeBron turned to me and asked me, “What should I do?”  To which I replied, “JUST DO IT king!  JUST DO IT!”

I then turned to Wade and asked him, “You didn’t have a good game Wade, what happened?” 

Wade said in an exasperated tone, “Every time I attempted to shoot out the lights tonight, the maintenance people at the Garden turned off the lights!  How can I shoot in the dark?  I’m surprised that I was even 4-for-16!”

“Yes I noticed that, too” I said, “I just thought It was me blinking, so that’s what it was?!”

I then turned to Chris Bosh and asked him about his poor performance.  “Not many people understand me,” he said, “Those guys in Toronto understood me.  They’re going to be games where I suck, game after game… and that doesn’t make me any less of a superstar. 

"If you’re expecting me to be perfect game in and game out, then you don’t understand me like Toronto does.”  Bosh had tears in his eyes and was visibly upset.  “King, pass me a tissue.”

“Sorry Chris, I didn’t mean to upset you.  Do you think you’ll play better next game?”

“Yes, because I didn’t play my game tonight” responded Bosh, “my game is simple and has served me well in Toronto.  What I have to do is get in the lower post, and when all the guys come toward me, I just drop some coins on the floor. 

"Usually everyone pretends to pick up the coins but they’re really just looking up my skirt.  This gives me enough time to follow through for an easy 2 points.”

“So why didn’t you play your game tonight, Chris?” I asked.

“Because that trick distracts LeBron too, but I think I just need to play my game.  I shouldn’t worry about who it distracts.”

Just then Shaq stuck his head in the Heat’s locker room and asked in a deep masculine voice, “Coming RuPaul?  We need to leave, it’s getting late.”

“Coming, Big Daddy,” replied Chrissy, and with that he skipped out the door.  I looked at Wade and James incredulously.

“He’s been around the league a few times,” Wade said, “I just hope the poor gal doesn’t catch anything, because then the Miami Heat will really be in trouble.”

With that, I ran out the door and out of Boston Garden as fast as I could.