San Diego Chargers Erroneously Celebrate Tom Brady's Birthday

Boy, was his face red!

Norv Turner, in what is sure to go down in history as one of the greatest blunders in NFL history, showed up in the Patriots locker room after Sunday's 23-20 loss with a birthday cake, despite it not being Tom Brady's birthday until next August. Norv even got all the way to the second stanza of "Happy Birthday" before Tom interrupted him with a radiant smile and a wink, instantly melting his heart and making him feel, deep down, that he is truly loved. Belichick, thankfully, had already gone home to tend to his shackled and starving captives, or there was sure to be telekinetic destruction over the disruption.

Tom did his best to return the gift, though. Passing for only 159 yards and 1 touchdown, Brady scored below a 90 passer rating for the second consecutive week and came dangerously close to having a bad hair day. Despite an estimated thirty-seven turnovers by the Chargers (mathematicians are still calculating), the Patriots offense spent most of the day trying to remember if they left the oven on, routinely wasting excellent field position and a Chargers defense that was mostly rehearsing for their clubhouse rendition of Guys and Dolls. Philip Rivers, of course, will play Adelaide.

The Chargers actually managed to rack up almost 200 more total yards than the Patriots, with Rivers accumulating over 300 using only his willpower and eclectic sense of fashion. The problem, it seemed, came mostly from those around him, most notably rookie receiver Richard Goodman, who, in a move only a true entertainer could appreciate, decided that James Sanders looked bored and cheered him up by presenting the ball to him via interpretive dance. It may have looked like premature celebrating, but I assure you, it was art.

When the game ended, as such a game should, with Kris Brown's attempt at sending the game to overtime clanging off the side of the goal post, the Patriots stood victorious. Or, more accurately, hunched over victorious. Tom can only hope that he can recover his mojo in time do battle with Zombie Favre on Halloween, a night when he is sure to be extra hungry for Brady Brain. Assuming, of course, that he doesn't get distracted by a cute young thing smiling at him from the sidelines, whom he will have no desire to send unsolicited pictures of his penis to. Just a few racy voice-mails, nothing to get too worked up about, especially if you're Mrs. Zombie Favre on a book tour.

NOTES: Mr. Brady passed for his 236th touchdown pass, sliding safely into 18th-most all-time, just ahead of whoever is at number 19 and behind some guy at number 17. Truly impressive company, although he has far to go to catch none other than Zombie Flasher himself. No matter, he will always be number one in our hearts, especially when doing a Banana Republic ad.

The nacho helicopter drop was successful, and I am now stocked up and ready for the rest of the 2010 season! Until next week, remember to always distract Favre with Heath bars and hookers; they're his favorite.