One Marks Struggle With a Disease Known As Jerichoholism

(Satire)

Matt is making his way to the podium. This is all too familiar to him as this is not his first JA meeting. As he is walking up he notices Svyato scribbling in a note book. Matt stands in front of the podium, and he sees many faces he recognizes from before.

Hello everyone. My name is Matt and I’m a Jerichoholic.

My problem started around 1997. There I was sitting in my living room with not much to do. I couldn’t find anything to watch so I just left it on Nitro. It was then I was given a taste of Jericho’s greatness.

There was this scrawny wrestler listing of holds and moves. That was when I found out about Jericho’s 1004 holds. I know them all by heart, is that so bad? Oh you doubt that I know them?

1 - arm drag

2 - arm bar

3 - moss cover three handled family grudunzle

4 - arm bar

5 - back breaker

6 - body slam

7 - drop toe hold

8 - arm bar

9 - shooting star staple press

10 - right handed arm bar

11 - Lionsault

12 - knife edge chop

13 - arm bar

14 - piledriver

15 - Jericho arm bar

16 - Canadian arm drag

17 - Canadian Maple Leaf

18 - arm bar

19 - Lion Tamer

20 - missile drop kick

21 - drop kick

22 - Jericho back breaker

23 - kick

24 - missile drop kick off the top rope

25 - side head lock

26 - arm bar

27 - hip toss

28 - sleeper hold

29 - atomic leg drop

30 - ddt

31 - fall away slam

32 - Canadian arm bar

33 - kick to the mid section

34 - foot to the face

35 - elbow drop

36 - running lariat

37 - arm bar

38 - power slam

39 - double ax handle

40 - Northern light suplex

41 - Japanese arm bar

42 - snap suplex

43 - clothesline

44 - camel clutch

45 - German suplex

46 - arm bar

47 - Canadian suplex

48 - swinging neck breaker

49 - Jericho snap suplex

50 - leg drop

51 - hurricanrana

52 - baseball slide

53 - arm bar

54 - right handed arm drag

55 - pin

56 - palm shot

57 - Mexican arm bar

58 - lariat

59 - Jericho driver

60 - moon sault

61 - left handed arm drag

62 - forearm

63 - left side hip toss

64 - headlock

65 - arm bar

66 - European upper cut

67 - Jericho drop kick

68 - belly to back suplex

69 - jaw breaker

70 - Lionheart arm bar

71 - right side hip toss

72 - left leg drop toe hold

73 - arm bar ......................................................................

Ok, Ok, I will shut up. You are the ones that doubted me. Where was I? After that, things would only get worse. I found myself laughing uncontrollably at Jericho's promos. Even the one about Dean Malenko’s father! I feel so ashamed.

I soon found myself watching Nitro every week. I tried watching the WWF. I really, really did, I swear to god! I just couldn’t help myself because Raw seemed so boring. What else could I have done right?

That’s what I would tell myself every week. I know it was wrong, but I just had no self-control. My friends would try to warn me. They all said “Matt you’re becoming a mark." I would deny this but I think deep down I knew it was true.

I still think about all the good times I had. The witty promos, cruiserweight belts, and even seeing a 3 foot high Goldberg getting beat up. Time would fly by without a care in the world.

At one point I said to myself, "Okay Matt enough is enough." I decided I would go clean. Things were rough at first but I was able to do it. It was 1999. I was at home watching Raw without a care in the world.

It was then that I would fall off the wagon for the first time. The Rock was in the ring going on in his usual comedic banter. All of a sudden a clock popped up out of nowhere. When the time expired my worst fears came true.

It was Jericho once again. I said to myself "stay strong you can get through this." I refused to drink the euphoric potion anymore. I gave in though and soon found myself trapped in a world I tried so hard to escape from.

It was like old times all over again, the Funny slutty Steph comments, the IC titles, and awesome battles with the likes of The Rock and Stone Cold. I knew then that I was a full blown mark.

I would reach an all-time high when he became the Undisputed Champion of the world. I thought that surely now others would recognize the greatness known as Jericho. It was a high I would never re-live.

Like most drugs you find yourself chasing that one great high. Things would go downhill once again. He would lose the title in a cowardly fashion. Soon Jericho would be reduced to tag titles and IC titles.

I still hung on though. I thought "Surely things can be like before." I was sadly mistaken my friends. The next thing you know he was fired after losing to John Cena. It was a sad day for us Jerichoholics.

The good thing was I was clean again. I was watching wrestling and finding new stars to cheer for. The old ways were behind me and I was feeling like a million bucks. I should have known better though.

I was clean for two years and life was good my friends. Randy Orton was cutting a promo on Raw on something or another. It was then the evil temptation would come calling again.

Jericho would make his grand return to the wrestling world. I folded like a deck of cards and gave in. I know not why I am so weak. I guess some people are stronger than others.

So here I am again before all of you people. It is 14 years later and I still am not cured.

My name is Matt, and I’m a Jerichoholic

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