Pro Athlete's Wedding Vow Translation: I Now Pronounce You Husband and Prenup

It is a fact.  Professional athletes are going to cheat on their significant other.  I neither endorse nor condone this ultimate betrayal; I merely state it for the record.

So, as a service to all those wannabe-jock-attached brides, please take note of this wedding vow translation.  It may help save/prepare you for the life that waits, once you take that nuptial plunge.

I, Groom’s name…

Translation –  I, enormously famous and rich athlete.

… take you…

Translation – Since I don’t have a game today and know the only way to get into your pants is through this totally lame and useless ceremony.  I mean really, not even a tailgate party before the event!

…  Bride’s name…

Translation – Delusional, smoking hot babe, who believes she has just won the financial and infidelity lottery.

… to be my wife…

Translation – The female who I permit to stay in my mansion even after we have had sex.

… to have and to hold from this day forward…

Translation – At least until this ceremony is over.

… for better or for worse…

Translation –  Despite this marital union I have the exclusive rights to use my cell phone to text all images of my family jewels to any living creature on this planet that has a vagina, and believe it or not that does includes Lady GaGa.

… for richer…

Translation –  My team of lawyers are working 24/7 to make sure that the likelihood of that happening is right up there with the Buffalo Bills being awarded the Vince Lombardi Trophy this year.

… for poorer…

Translation – Prenup.  Prenup.  Prenup.   Prenup.  Prenup.  Prenup. Prenup.  Prenup.  Prenup.   Prenup.  Prenup.  Prenup. Prenup.  Prenup.  Prenup.   Prenup.  Prenup.  Prenup. Prenup.  Prenup.  Prenup.   Prenup.  Prenup.  Prenup. Prenup.  Prenup.  Prenup.   Prenup.  Prenup.  Prenup. Prenup.  Prenup.  Prenup.   Prenup.  Prenup.  Prenup. Prenup.

… in sickness and in health…

Translation – No matter how embarrassing or sordid the activity that I am accused of, you stand by my side, at least until all pending endorsement deals are secured.  

… to love and to cherish …

Translation –  How much longer does this stupid vow poem go on for?

… from this day forward …

Translation – That as my wife, you condone and/or ignore whatever I, or , who, I do, while on the road, and by road I do not mean the street in front of our house or our drive-way… on second thought, how about just our drive-way.

… until death do us part.

Translation – Even though I am putting this wedding band on my finger, I would, in a nanosecond, exchange it for a championship ring.