Top Ten Things For Chicago Bears Fans To Do On a Sunday Without Football
This Sunday, Bears fans will find themselves with extra time on their hands, as their beloved team plays the Packers on Monday night.
So the question, naturally, is what to do to pass the time on a Sunday without DA BEARS?
This humorous look at potential solutions to the problem explores the very heart of what makes true, dyed-in-the-wool Bears fan tick. And that, of course, is DA COACH.
Yes, Lovie Smith is coaching the current Bears team, but real fans know there has been only one coach and that is Mr. Iron Mike Ditka, my friends.
Look, the man could run for mayor in this town if he wanted to and that is 25 years after the last Super Bowl champion team.
Ditka hawks just about anything and everything he can and has made a career of that one great season which will live in infamy in the minds and hearts of Bears fans.
Even Saturday Night Live had skits about Bears fans professing their love and admiration for a man who went on to trade his entire draft for Ricky Williams.
No matter, his team in 1985 was the most dominant in history and that's the way we choose to remember the man by.
So, without further ado, let's help you, the Bears fan, to keep from going stir crazy this Sunday.
Get Drunk On Da Coach's Wines
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Look, if DA COACH says his wine is good you better believe it my friend. Would he lie to you? Of course not.
And you can drink as much as you want and you can never become an alcoholic or suffer any adverse affects from drinking too much wine.
No sir, DA COACH would never allow you to suffer. He is our Savior, and as such, would not steer you wrong.
Whether it's Kick Ass Red, Pinot Grigio Merlot or Cabernet Sauvignon Chardonnay, you can sit back and get drunk while watching the video of the Super Bowl Bears or while listening to the Super Bowl Shuffle.
"We are the Bears shuffling crew..."
Eat at Da Coach's Fine Restaurant
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Ditka's restaurants are the best food you will ever eat my friend.
Sure, the pork chop will give you a heart attack, but you will be happy to have a cardiac arrest with DA COACH.
In fact, you can never die from a heart attack after eating DA COACH's food since he is on a first-name basis with our Maker himself.
Feel The Strength From Taking Iron Mike's Vitamins
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"Iron Mike Ultimate Male Virility" will allow you to make babies several times in one day.
In fact, you will be so virile, women will get pregnant just walking on the same street as you. Be careful, just one capsule will make a porn star blush.
With "Iron Mike Prostate Support" you take one pill and you will never get cancer in any orifice of your body. Your prostate will be cleaner than a deacon's mind, my friend.
"Iron Mike Ultimate Joint Support" will support your elbows, knees, and even your marijuana joints.
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Sit Back, Relax and Smoke a Big Fatty
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Um, Ditka's cigar, that is. These cigars are so good that even Fidel Castro buys them!
Look, these cigars are so smooth that you don't even have to light them. They light themselves, smoke themselves and would never cause lip cancer or anything bad for you.
No, my friend, in fact these cigars will clear your arteries and even create world peace.
Smoke 'em if you got 'em, my friend.
Read a Good Book
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And what better book than one that Da Coach himself has written? Even Jesus considers Ditka's books to be better than the Bible.
And no, my friend, that is not blasphemous as DA COACH sits at the left hand of the Father.
The 85 Bears: We Were the Greatest is the gospel according to Ditka. But if you need more help with your life, In Life, First You Kick Ass: Reflections on the 1985 Bears and Wisdom from Da Coach will help you understand your priorities.
Look, you kick ass first, what's so hard to understand? Then you listen to the wisdom of the most intelligent man to ever walk the face of this earth, my friend.
You think that Einstein's theory of relativity is impressive? Well, you ain't seen nothing yet, my friend.
Take a Quick Trip To Ditka's Resorts
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Yes, DA COACH even teaches you how to relax as his Lighthouse Key Resort and Spa or Runaway Beach Club is just the place to go to clear your mind from the clutter of a weekend without Bears football.
You will return a new man and while you can never achieve anywhere near the greatness of DA COACH, you can feel good knowing you helped put money into his pocket.
Make a Donation To Gridiron Greats
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Yes by doing so you will not only feel good about yourself, you will know you are helping a cause that is supported by DA COACH himself.
Do not ever, ever question his motives, my friend. He is helping former players who are experiencing financial difficulties.
Remember, Ditka is not just the greatest player and greatest coach in the history of professional sports but he is a humanitarian that is so good he puts Nelson Mandela to shame.
Plus, you get to hear Ditka as he becomes the best recording artist ever. Elvis, Michael Jackson, the Beatles all take a back seat to DA COACH in this Gridiron Greats Music Video.
Eat Some Of Ditka's Hall Of Fame Salsa
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Ditka said he wanted a "truly authentic Mexican salsa with no gimmicks," then he appeared in a bad Mexican costume to promote his salsa.
But I'm sure he wears this outfit all the time, this is no gimmick, my friends.
Ditka claims to have come up with a recipe from 100 years ago. But we are not to doubt The Man, as he has been alive forever.
"Some call it addictive," says Ditka. But don't worry—if you do get addicted I'm sure Ditka will open an Iron Mike Rehab Center someday. It will teach you not to be a sissy, just man up and stop being addicted.
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