Golfing Gestures Makes Game Aerobic

Golfing Gestures

To the untrained eye, golf is a sport showcasing limited physical movements: swing, walk to the next shot, swing again, walk, line up a putt, stand over a shot, stroke a putter. If this were all there were to the game then, yes, as the Dear Wife argues, you wouldn’t burn many calories. 

What the untrained eye misses out on are the most important calorie-burning aspects of the game: gestures. Yes, those calorie-eating gestures that are permeating the game, like the:

Fist Pump!

You know the move Tiger makes when he hits a great shot, fist closed enthusiastically and swiftly drawn down like you’re ripping off your own face mask to where you just miss slamming your elbow into your ribs?

That’s the fist pump.

And the next time someone tries to persuade you golf isn’t aerobic, do the fist pump, first down and then back up at your doubter’s chin. If it lands properly, they will appreciate the energy involved, even if they are Jersey Shore idiots.

Another impressive golfing gesture is the:

Two-Hand Victory Dance. 

Phil Mickelson demonstrates; simply raise both arms overhead, not fully, and then jump four inches off the ground. This gesture tells your opponent that you beat him without the necessity of completely raising the roof.

How many sports provide you with a prop for gesturing? Golf does; the club can sometimes be used as a baton, sometimes as a pool cue, and most gloriously, a sword.  This brings us to the:

Chi Chi Rodriguez.

Chi Chi had in his arsenal the saber, the epee, the holster draw, the air touche’ and the neck lop. When Rodriguez dropped a long putt, he danced, he weaved, he became the Puerto Rican Musketeer.  

Still not convinced that golfers exert mucho energy chasing the little white ball? In team golf there are chest bumps, low fives, body English dances and the most caloric burner of them all, the:

Golfer High Five.

If you haven’t done it, it’s a riot, a reason in itself to play the game. Here’s the script:

A) Pretend like you’re doing a regular high five. Commit to it.

B) Both you and your partner run at each other and MISS hands.

C) Continue leaning into the five while raising your leg in the air behind you.

D) Lean over and grab your partner’s upraised leg by the ankle. He’ll do the same to you.

E)  Shake your partner’s leg. He’ll shake yours. Golfer high five! Ta da!

It looks like a yoga move—Downward Acting Plaid. Be ready for it.

There. Don’t say your eye is no longer trained. The next time you watch a
match, keep an eye out for the gestures, and then shock your spouse when you give a name to the moves they’re doing.

You can thank me at one of my book signings.