WWN: HHH Divorces McMahon, JoMo Abducted, and More!

(Satire)

I would like to welcome you all to the very first of edition WWN (Wrestling World News), wrestling’s only reliable tabloid news and rumors. It is here you will only get to read the real stories that others are afraid to cover.

For safety reasons, I unable to reveal the sources of the stories you are about to read.

(A steamed HHH storms away from Vinces princess)

HHH divorces the McMahons and WWE

According to an undisclosed source, HHH is in the process of divorcing the WWE. From what I was told, HHH has been unhappy with not holding the title as of late. According to HHH, it is in his contract that he is supposed to be the champion at least once a month.

This obviously hasn’t been the case, as the current champion is Sheamus. The situation has left HHH distraught and suicidal,” I feel so betrayed and violated. How am I supposed to survive if I can’t see my title every day? I just hope Sheamus isn’t abusing her.” said HHH.

When asked for comments from Stephanie, she was too upset to speak, but her father, Vince McMahon, was very vocal on the issue. “That ungrateful S.O.B. is going to pay for what he has done to our family. If it wasn’t for me, he would jobbing at a local high school.”

According to HHH’s lawyer, he will not budge on the request for full custody of the WWE title.

It is safe to report that both sides are at high tensions. The proceedings will be decided in a couple months by honorary Judge U.R. Skrewed, I will be sure to keep you up on any new developments of this groundbreaking story.

( John Morrison in good spirits after the abduction)

John Morrison abducted by aliens

According to John Morrison, he was at his favorite coffee shop enjoying lunch. When he was approached by what he thought were a couple of fans, as it turned out though they wanted more than an autograph.

“I was just enjoying my lunch when I saw a couple of kids approach me. I thought at first all they wanted was some autographs. As it turned out they weren’t kids and they said they had a lucrative business proposal,” said Morrison.

Morrison reluctantly followed them to hear their offer but started to get a little nervous when he saw that he was directed to a big flying saucer. Morrison said that after he got out of his car to see what was going on. The little men ripped off their skin and revealed themselves to be aliens from the planet Jeraxon.

They apologized for the deception and then explained that they wanted Morrison to wrestle their interplanetary champion “Faruthar” in an inter-promotional match. It was reported that they offered Morrison 2,000,000 Falithas to compete in the bout.

Morrison while flattered by the offer had to decline due to his contractual obligations with WWE. He decided though that he would sign autographs for the fans. It was a gesture that was greatly appreciated by the Jeraxon natives.

"We were disappointed that JoMo couldn’t wrestle our champion, but we understood. He was nice enough to sign a few hundred pictures for us, though, so we can pass them out at home. We are currently in talks with Vince to make this match happen,” said Dorton, a Jeraxon native.

With a show of no hard feelings, they teleported JoMo and his car back to the café. They even decided to pick up his lunch tab. It was a gesture that Morrison greatly appreciated.

“They were really nice to me; at first, I was upset that they tricked me, but I can understand why they did it. I am flattered that they are fans of mine; I didn’t think they would be able to get WWE on other planets. I hope we are able to work something out between the two planets.”

When asked about the experience, Morrison said that it was an interesting, yet great experience that he wouldn’t take back. I guess it is safe to say that Morrison is truly “Out of this world.”

(Mangator celebrates his victory with a cold one)

Jericho wrestles Mangator!

In a follow up from the reported story by the Weekly World News, it is being reported that Jericho not only accepted Mangators' challenge but the match already took place.

This all stemmed over a fan incident with Jericho and the Mangator, which led to a challenge.

It was reported that last week, he flew down to Florida and fought the Mangator in a No Holds Barred match. According to eyewitnesses, it was a real tooth-and-nail battle. During the tough fight, Jericho ripped off a piece of wood with a rusty nail and assaulted the Mangator.

Mangator reported that he had no choice to defend himself so he bit off Jericho’s arm. The fans went wild and Jericho fled the match. It resulted in Jericho losing by forfeit. Reporters caught up with Jericho as he was getting his arm reattached.

“It was a dump down there, I had to change in an outhouse, and the condition of the ring was horrible.  I couldn’t believe how bad the fans smelled, and when they he bit my arm off, they cheered."

“It just goes to show what kind of hypocritical, lying, parasites they are.”

It is safe to say that this feud is now over and Mangator has become a hero in the swamp he lives in. In fact, he has gotten so big down there that he has recently signed some major endorsements. Let’s just hope that Jericho has learned his lesson in all of this.

Well that’s all the news for today.