What Happened on Tomas Kaberle Deadline Day (Satire)

So Brian Burke was unable to trade Tomas Kaberle. He'll give many reasons to the media, but what is the truth? So I had my spies use the latest in technology, such as two-way radio and email, to find out. In the end I just called my spy inside the Leafs' organization (thanks Peddie!), and he told me what happened.

Brian Burke (thinking): If I make the price for Kaberle ridiculously high, nobody will take him! This way the media will think I tell the truth all the time and will ignore the fact that I was after Nazem Kadri when I declared I wanted to move up for John Tavares.

(phone rings)

Cliff Fletcher: Suicide hotline.

Burke: Fletcher! Get off the phone! Someone get him his medications!

Burke (now on phone): Hello. I assume this is an offer for Tomas Kaberle?

Eklund: Why did you stop buying pizza from my diner? Is it because I kept pestering you about Kaberle trades?

Burke: Yes, and I thought Colton Orr had killed you.

Eklund: Huh? Kkilled me? Whhat are you taklking about?

Burke: I have just sent Mike Brown to say hi and place an order.

Eklund: AGGGHHHHH!

Burke (hangs up phone): Better.

(phone rings)

Burke: Hello.

Doug Wilson: I was wondering what the asking price for Kaberle is.

Burke: 10 first round picks and Devin Setoguchi.

Wilson: Seriously?

Burke: You also have the option of Ryan Clowe and five first round picks.

Wilson: Why such a high price?

Burke: He avoids bodily contact so much that he looks like he is 19. I actually convinced one of your scouts of that, which is odd because he signed Kaberle.

Wilson: Ferguson, huh? Well no deal.

Burke: If only Ferguson was the GM we wouldn't have this problem. Oh Cliff you look better!

Fletcher: Yeah! HUDSADSn!

Burke: Someone get him more medicine!

(phone rings)

Burke: Yello.

Lou Lamoriello: I am willing to offer Travis Zajac and David Clarkson for Tomas Kaberle.

Burke: Well I want Zach Parise and the rights to Ilya Kovalchuk!

Lamoriello: I don't think Bettman will let me, but that's never stopped us before!

Burke: Just don't announce a press conference before it's been approved by the league again.

(hours later deal is void)

Burke: It seemed fair to me. Oh well, time to call Yzerman.

(calls Yzerman)

Burke: I want Jonathan Toews and Duncan Keith in exchange for Kaberle, Jeff Finger, and Luke Schenn.

Yzerman: Burke, we've been over this. That was the roster from the Olympics. I cannot trade them; they're not on my team.

Burke: Fine! Just get me Pavel Datsyuk and Nicklas Lidstrom for Kaberle and Schenn.

Yzerman: You know I work for Tampa right?

Burke: Ya but you did your best work for Detroit, so I want Detroit players.

Yzerman: Have you been drinking?

Burke: You're the first person to notice all day!

(collapses into chair, as he is clearly too drunk to stay conscious)