Brett Favre Forced To Retire After Tragic 'Accident' (Satire)

Perhaps the biggest question in the NFL this month is whether or not Brett Favre will return to quarterback the Minnesota Vikings in the upcoming season.

Sports fans across the country have spent the last month being frustrated to death by the constant Favre coverage and have tried everything to get him out of their heads.

Thankfully, the decision has finally been made for Favre as during his meeting with Dr. James Andrews, Favre’s right hand was apparently cut off in some kind of medical accident. The loss of his throwing hand has forced Favre to announce his retirement and he is still trying to figure out how it happened, 

“I honestly don’t know how it happened. I don’t actually remember anything from the appointment, just that I woke up in the waiting room with one hand chopped off,” Favre said about the incident.

 Favre set up the consultation because his ankle wasn’t healing from the surgery like he anticipated and that was the excuse that he was using as to why he hadn’t made up his mind yet. However, things were settled for him immediately when he no longer had his throwing hand. 

While Favre might not have a clue as to what happened in the consultation, Dr. Andrews was very clear on what happened.

“It wasn’t an accident-I cut it off and couldn’t be more proud. When he came into my office and I looked at his ankle, it was fine. The guy had been faking it so he could pretend he had  legitimate reason for not being in camp,” Dr. Andrews said. “He is truly a sociopath.  When I saw my opportunity, I put him under and made sure he couldn’t throw a pass ever again.”

It is unclear if Dr. Andrews will be charged with anything for the blatant assault. Regardless, President Obama has come forward and said that he will pardon whatever crimes Andrews is charged with.

“Dr. Andrews has done a great thing for America. Favre has been a pest for everyone and by ending his reign, Andrews has given us an extra 20 minutes for Sports Center to cover real topics,” President Obama proclaimed. “The man is a hero for us all and I will be awarding him the Medal of Honor for his courage.”

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