Sports Tips From Sarah Palin (Satire)

Sarah Palin is in town promoting her new book “Going Rogue , ” so we thought it might be a good time to get a few sports tips and ideas from the sporty ex-vice presidential candidate.

A guy in front of me is anxious to present a gift to Sarah, a folding hunting knife he had forged himself. As he hands it to Palin, she reaches in her boot, saying, “That’s not a knife. THIS is a knife!” Then she pulls out a Rambo 12 jagged-blade, stabbing it into her desk. I’m thinking I’m going to have to word my questions a little more carefully.

S.O.S.: Not many of us in the lower 48 have ever been moose hunting. Are there any special secrets for bagging a big one?

S.P.:   Well, I don’t want to get all mavericky or anything, but it helps if your pilot can fly real low, but don’t hit any of them trees. That’ll cramp your style.

S.O.S.: How about bear hunting? We saw a picture of you sitting on a bearskin rug.

S.P.:   Bear hunting? Come on up and we’ll fix you up, you betcha. Just be sure you bring some hunting buddies with you, preferably fat ones who can’t run as fast as you.

 S.O.S.: Did you see the videos of the New Mexico soccer girl playing dirty, yanking hair, smacking her opponents in the ribs? Do you think that gives a bad name to women’s sports?

 S.P.: You’re kidding, right? Now folks are watching soccer. You see these nails? When I played basketball we called them claws. If your uniform wasn’t all tattered you had a good day.  I left more teeth marks than a Dracula. I snapped more bra straps than a tranny in a training bra. We play rough…like mavericks.

S.O.S.: Speaking of women’s basketball, now that Sacramento has given up on the Monarchs, do you think the WNBA will ever locate in Alaska ?

S.P.:   Don’t see why not. We got cold nights. Nothing will warm ya up like a bunch of gals in shorts sweating over a hot gym floor.

S.O.S.: Your husband, Todd, likes to go on 2000 mile snow-ski races. Do you send anything along to keep him from being lonely on these lengthy races?

 S.P.: Do you mean like frilly undergarments? No, you betcha I tried that… but they came back all stretched out. No, usually I just send some pictures and a few cans of soup. If he gets cold, you bet there are some polar bears he can skin.

S.O.S.:   This is a little off our sports subject, but we understand Levi Johnston is going to pose nude in Playgirl using a sports item as a prop. Did you ask Bristol about it?

 S.P.: She said it was just going to be him and his hockey puck.

 S.O.S.: At one time you expressed a desire to be an ESPN anchorperson. Do you have any advice for young women who might wish to follow the same desire as you did?

 S.P.: Oh, sure. Well, first you get a job on a TV station. Do whatever you can to learn the job. Then get yourself elected mayor of a small town. Then get involved with your party and get appointed to a state commission. Then get elected governor. Then sell your state jet plane. Then, if you’re lucky, an old codger with a bad ticker will pick you to be his running mate. THEN, if you’re still lucky, a comedian will impersonate you on a late night TV show. Then, you have a chance to be an ESPN anchor person.