An All-Star Solution For NBA Doormats

So, let's say you live in an NBA city where your team has no hope of making the playoffs next season and for the foreseeable future. Maybe your team's name rhymes with Jets, Stickerboxers, Slippers, Rings, Spacers, Glistens, Scornets, Borriors, or Schmiberwolves. Do you want an easy way to sell tickets, and avoid those nights when only 3000 people show up to see a game? Do you want to support the economy and hire some long-in-the-tooth, talented, out-of-work, superstars?

General Managers, listen up! I have a solution for you. You too can have your own Big-Three! All you need to do is sign Shaquille O'Neal, Tracy McGrady, and Allen Iverson. You don't have to think up some lame name to call them by, like The Three Amigos. I have the perfect one. Imagine driving down your local highway, looking up a billboard with a picture of those three faces with the caption, "Come see the Retreads!" Your official sponsor could be Michelin, Firestone, or Goodyear.

Is New Orleans tired of Chris "LBJ's Puppet" Paul's trade demands? Well, you still have him for two more years, so why not give him the talent he can win with, and sign these three Superstars. With Chris Paul, Allen Iverson, Tracy McGrady, David West, and Emeka Okafor starting, plus Peja Stojakovic and Darren Collison coming off the bench, how could they not win an NBA Championship? Right?

But which NBA team needs these players the most? "The Answer" (pun intended) is obvious - The New Jersey Nets. Your starting five could be Devin Harris, Allen Iverson, Tracy McGrady, Brook Lopez, and Shaquille O'Neal. Your bench support would be Jordan Farmar, Courtney Lee, Travis Outlaw, Derrick Favors, and Johan Petro. I think I just heard the sound of water splashing onto a desk somewhere in the swamp. Oh, wait, that was just Avery Johnson salivating after reading this article.

Now, just go out and buy the Hot Tub Time Machine I saw in a recent documentary, and set the clock to 2005.